[static]

I lost my momentum. I don't know what happened. My head is fuzzy a lot. All the information from him is exhausting. He's so happy with her...

[upswing]

out of limbo. finally. I interviewed yesterday and I start tomorrow. I felt very good vibes from these people. I plan on working a million years for them. Can we pray to every god that it is a wonderful job that I'll adore to death? I deserve that. I am believing in it and taking it. In fact, I am taking every little drop of goodness that anyone can provide. My chest is wide open for Love or anything close to it. People are good, I know that and it's important not to forget. A Cafe' called Insomniax. I get to make coffee in a casual setting, I get to be friendly and personable. I love these things. I hope that I will somehow make enough money to move out by the end of July. That's reasonable I think.
My bunny is the softest.
I should not forget to take my seroquel when I am supposed to. It spirals me out. Last night I felt like death.
I should remember everything good and nice.

[tuesday]

I am bright and soft. I am trying so hard to persevere. I am bright and soft.
I don't know. These things are so hard. and they keep hurting so much. None of it is lessening. Someone said to just wait for three weeks, that there would be tiny improvements. I don't know. It doesn't feel like it. I am doing everything I can. I am trying very hard. and it is so much. I don't want these things. I don't want any more of anything. I just want things to stop being like this. I've been covering all sorts of surfaces in post-it notes. I am trying to be so positive. but even my post it notes for me are sort of sad. and I don't know why I can't just hop over this. I just want everything to be done and far away. I just don't want to do this anymore, it all hurts to omuch.

[unexplainable]

My head continues attempting to put life's events in some sort of cohesive order. Silly the way we want things to make sense when they never really do. My whole year has been covered in lengthy unexplainable moments.

I am at the tea shop today. Pouring iced red honey peach tea down my throat seems like the only fix for now. What is funny or ironic or sad is that I have finally found the perfect medication combination/amount and am positive were recent happenings not bringing me down I would be genuinely, simply happy. I guess I have that to look forward to once the dust has had time to settle.

I am letting things be. Whatever they turn into is clearly not even remotely within my control. If the last six months have taught me anything, it is that.

[bobbing along on the bottom of the bubbly briny sea]

i miss him a lot. This is week three. Whatever that means. I get embarrassed when I think about how I allowed myself to be treated. But I still miss him. I still want us to change and evolve and be beautiful and happy. I want us to fulfill our potential. I so wanted to work on everything. We could have. But everyone has to be trying. Not just me. Not always just me.
my heart is so broken. this year has been so overwhelming and hurtful. I just want goodness now, that's all.