[tuesday]

I am bright and soft. I am trying so hard to persevere. I am bright and soft.
I don't know. These things are so hard. and they keep hurting so much. None of it is lessening. Someone said to just wait for three weeks, that there would be tiny improvements. I don't know. It doesn't feel like it. I am doing everything I can. I am trying very hard. and it is so much. I don't want these things. I don't want any more of anything. I just want things to stop being like this. I've been covering all sorts of surfaces in post-it notes. I am trying to be so positive. but even my post it notes for me are sort of sad. and I don't know why I can't just hop over this. I just want everything to be done and far away. I just don't want to do this anymore, it all hurts to omuch.

[unexplainable]

My head continues attempting to put life's events in some sort of cohesive order. Silly the way we want things to make sense when they never really do. My whole year has been covered in lengthy unexplainable moments.

I am at the tea shop today. Pouring iced red honey peach tea down my throat seems like the only fix for now. What is funny or ironic or sad is that I have finally found the perfect medication combination/amount and am positive were recent happenings not bringing me down I would be genuinely, simply happy. I guess I have that to look forward to once the dust has had time to settle.

I am letting things be. Whatever they turn into is clearly not even remotely within my control. If the last six months have taught me anything, it is that.

[bobbing along on the bottom of the bubbly briny sea]

i miss him a lot. This is week three. Whatever that means. I get embarrassed when I think about how I allowed myself to be treated. But I still miss him. I still want us to change and evolve and be beautiful and happy. I want us to fulfill our potential. I so wanted to work on everything. We could have. But everyone has to be trying. Not just me. Not always just me.
my heart is so broken. this year has been so overwhelming and hurtful. I just want goodness now, that's all.

[Love and some things]

He just stopped liking me. Probably around the time he stopped being so nice. Probably around the time I was depressed and thought it was because I was fat. Oh, he thought it was because I was fat too and then when I got less fat more recently he was attracted to me again but still didn't like me. I guess that's how things go. You can be with someone for seven years and then what, six in you realize you no longer like the other person. Well it's too bad because I never stop loving anyone. It's okay for me but not so good for other people trying to push me away with affairs and meanness. And does that happen often? do people just stop? What happens when I marry again, when I fall so in Love sometime later. What if I'm just the sort of person who has an expiration date for love and likeness? There is no guarantee for things like this. Sometimes it just happens.

It's just, I still believe in Love, and happiness, and marriage, and the goodness of people. I just am so hurt that someone I committed to for so long ultimately couldn't stand me. It's better like this I know, but it still hurts.

[for now]

Somewhere not as positive today. My enthusiasm dissipated through the night- probably due to my dreams. I don't want to take any of it back but it just hurts more today.

I passed out resumes everywhere and hopefully if I am very lucky I will be able to find a job so soon and be out of this house by the end of June. There are many amazing deals on apartments right now. I'm worried they'll disappear before I can get one.

Eating things with garlic tonight. I can do that now you know. Might walk to the store for a bottle of wine, might drink all night with Dinosaur. I'm hoping we'll be able to talk tomorrow. At this point it is him being scared and shutting down and the regular things that happen when he is overwhelmed. Hopefully things will be okay, in whatever way they can.

(I Love my bunnie) click for full cuteness

[over]

well, that's it. Today I am exhausted but okay. I hope this feeling lasts.
Last night I wandered around in a hysterical fashion taking photographs of insignificant important things. (stuff under the couch, slept in bed, two refrigerators, star wars book shelf, etc)
I thought my dreams would be rife with dreadful events. I forget them mostly but the general feeling upon waking was no so bad. Not like before. Perhaps my body already knew, my heart just wasn't ready. It won't ever be though, I know that. In times like this we must be sensible. We must continue to persevere.
Sometimes things just stop working. That's it. and then it's over.

[damp cuffs]

That job interview was a lie, on their part. It was essentially an open barista call, experienced and non. Which could have been almost good even but it was just coming in a filing out an application on top of my resume and giving it to them and that being it. Isn't that the point of craigslist? very confusing.
So still no job. Though very clean house and lots of tasty baked goods. When one has time things happen.

Dinosaur is definitely still my love. and because I love you I will show you pictures of his bedroom. I bet you wish you were a bunnie with your own room. When we actually have money he will be beyond spoiled.

Max wishes he had his own room.

He really likes to rearrange fabric so he gets lots of blankets and rags.

Sneaky!

The cardboard house on the left is his favoruite. The very bottom box has a maze in it. it was very silly to make. He's almost always in there.

My oldest brother is in his last week of performing Gutenberg! and I desperately want to see it but it is so far from me. Perhaps I will rope someone into being transportation; someone who loves musicals, west seattle, me, and bribes of baked goods. In other brother news my second oldest brother and his Lady are visiting from California and will be at my home tonight around 12. I am quite excited and am already planning on making heart shaped pancakes for the morning. And even though we are poor the fridge is stocked with beer, mind you not much else but we know what is important. I can't wait to show off Dinosaur to them.

currently I am drinking, in my pajamas (with sort of damp cuffs), no make up, and watching Tyler play Halo with some British chapps. Not too shabby for a Wednesday.