[New July/Currents]

Ninety degrees today. This is the begining of summer. And being in Love, and eating sweet foods, and sitting around with icey beers. James comes home for keeps tomorrow at midnight. The me time over the last four months has been difficult but good. It is important to know the strength of your own heart; we are always reminded. (we will sometimes make it, and sometimes not)
It feels that each new season is a new begining for me. It all rolls back to before- the person I sometimes dream about but don't recognise. The less bright version of me. That's all.
Anyway. Finding better pieces of myself all the time, stuck in corners and under blankets.

Currently 

I have a bit of a cold.

Current Album

Current TV Series

Current Shame Inducing Guilty Pleasure

(watch instantly on Netflix)

Current Links
1
2
3

Current Drink

Current Fetish

Current Wish List

Current Song

Current Triumph

365

Current Indulgence

Current excitment

(((wedding!!!)))

Current mood

 I have found every way to fill the spaces of time.

[Just asterisms in the stars' set order]

I don't know what I'm doing with this blog. I think it has been clear that I have never set aside what its use was. I paper and pen journal constantly, streams of thoughts and documenting events. I have an [opendiarydotcom] that I've had for ten years, it is intimate and I bare myself there and I've created deep relationships with people I've never met. Their feedback is important and the way I write there is important.
This was, I think, supposed to be some sort of blending. Somewhere to anonymously share as well as write to myself. It's been confusing and lately it's made it difficult to write. I don't know if I have an audience. I don't know if I am my audience. I like writing, and I like feelings, and I like placing them onto blank screens and tossing them into the abyss that is the internet. I thought that would be enough.

I'm just not sure what to do with this. I feel like I should decide if I'm going to treat this more personally or recreationaly. My instinct is to be too honest and share too much, because I do that. I don't know. Maybe there is no purpose for this blog. Maybe having no purpose isn't even enough in this case.

[I live in your tall trees, amongst your fearless leaves]

I returned home early Tuesday morning from New England. James spoiled me like a princess. I can't recall being spoiled so. We went to The Duck and Bunny one night and adventured to Newport for (my first) high tea another.

(The Duck and Bunny)

(High Tea, and why I'm in Love)

James returns for one week tomorrow night. We already have a couples massage in Walingford planned, along with tasty dinners and regular drinks at the Virginia Inn.
He is thrilled to be home and to love on the animals.

It feels like if we are lucky summer will be just around the corner. I cannot wait for picnics in parks and wading to my ankles in the ocean. And being a little sunburnt while kissing everywhere.

[baker street]

+ Three days until things level out. I have to fly for nine hours first but it is all worth it, even if I do always throw up.
+ I waxed my legs today and gave myself a brazilian. Re-dyed my red hair. painted nails. elizabeth maintenance- check.
+ I've been eating Caesar salad for the last six days. I am not tired of it yet. It is also calming my food anxieties while still being enough food.
+ I'm in love with peach iced tea.
+ I bought a cheap camera for $20 off ebay and with boredom am taking a photo every day.
+ Also boredom.
+  watching old episodes of Sherlock Holmes and colouring pages in James' sketch book.
+ drinking white hungarian wine
+ panic attacks. they are lengthy but don't manage to rise to the level I hate. I have decided to be less embarrassed and have been calling James each time. it helps to have him root me back in reality.
+ trying to find a new perfume. two scents per month. 3rd month. some success.
+ my brain isn't connecting itself to the pieces that make things easy. my words have been muddled and wrong when out of my mouth. it's easier to nibble my nails.
+ no nails left.
+ maybe I'll upload painting photos for you because I can and that will be better than lists of the wrong words,

[blah blah]

My brain feels like it has flattened itself against the sides of my skull. I could scarcely be more uninspired and unsatisfied. Dear job, you suck- I am over you. The past four days have averaged 35 transactions in a ten hour period. I work eight of those hours. I am maybe seeing 20 customers a day and half of those people order drip. I am so bored. I finished my books. I have done everything on the internet. I am so tired from doing nothing all day that by the time I get home I just want to lay in my bed and listen to Harry Potter read to me by Stephen Frye or catch up on radio lab/this american life.

I finally did laundry and dishes yesterday. It was too exhausting. I wanted to go for a quick jog but the idea of leaving the apartment was too daunting, especially by 8pm. Tthe rain has been crazy and constant. I like the soggyness but I'm sort of ready for summer. I hate that eight boring hours take all the energy out of me. I do as many crosswords as possible and play facebook scrabble with friends. It helps me not get drowsy in the middle of the day.

Leaving for Rhode Island on Wednesday night. We're going to spend a day in Newport. Many adventures planned. I hope July comes soon so I can fill my free time with James and all his loveliness and our activities. New York at the end of July, camping, road trip, and many small exciting things. Just a few more months.

Listening to funk and drinking peach iced tea. If I didn't have to work from 7-5 tomorrow it could be a care-free Friday.

[ovulating and such]

My script for my birth control ran out earlier this month. I've been taking Microgestin FE 1/20 for about a year. Before that Lo-Ovral, Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo, Yasmin, and probably a couple other 'Lo' brands.
I began taking birth control when I was 18. I don't remember the brand but I do know I was terrified of gaining weight. Instead I lost ten pounds and spent the two months I was taking it spotting and feeling more emotional than usual. I was also terrifyingly bloated. Thus began the merry-go-round of birth control pills.

At some point in the last five years I came to terms with never having a BC pill that didn't give me some undesirable side effect. I'd already learned this was the case with psych meds but something about birth control being so essential to every woman's life made these side effects feel completely unfair.

With the expired script I took the opportunity to confer with friends and the internet for a better pill. Sure enough everyone has horror stories with one brand or another. Most of my girlfriends have settled for pills that are mildly inconvenient. Brands that didn't give them cysts or months of bleeding this time around. WebMD shows a similar story. With easily over 30 brands reviewed, you'd be hard pressed to find anything at all rated over 3 stars, most barely garnering 2. I spent hours pouring over these reviews and was left pretty discouraged. If I'm lucky I won't get an ovarian cyst but if I don't, I'll go crazy or gain 50lbs or stop finding men attractive because of their smell.

Because there's no winning I've decided to just take what a friend is taking and hope it's better than the Microgestin I was previously on. But we'll see, I'm not going to hold my breath. Besides, there's always the future of the male pill. Here's to that.