[messy]

I don't know. My heart hurts or my body hurts. Maybe it's both.
I worked seven 11 hour days. In the hospital. Only standing. Everyone is cranky and in a hurry. Or sick. Or crazy. or everything. No one cares down there. But that's it , Manager was on vacation and is back. Good money though and that's what counts, right? No more waking up at 5am and getting home at 7. Thank God.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad normally. Whenever normally happens. Still sobbing on the bus home. It's just that even though I am busy at work, my chest tightens and I suddenly remember us on new years and her passed out on the same couch as us. Or him over there mornings after work. And maybe if I hadn't been trying to be understanding, maybe if I hadn't wanted to let him have his space. Maybe it wouldn't have ended up so bad. It just makes me feel so gross. Her there on his birthday. me stupid, in the same room, not knowing. I try to keep these thoughts out of my head. But they're just there.

I feel so stupid lately. I thought the first few years were just hard. I thought we'd figure it out. That things would be good. I Loved him so much and wanted goodness so much. I thought it would be enough. Waiting for him to like me again... I don't know what I did to make things different. I was sad. I felt stuck in a city with nothing to do. I felt useless not working. But I think I tried. I feel like I have excuses for everything.

It's too much. It's not even that I don't have hope because I do. I believe I'll be in love with someone who will treat me so well, and we'll get married, and have beautiful babies, and kiss in public too much.
But right now I just can't even fathom the idea of ever even feeling okay enough to talk to boy. I feel so worthless. I feel stupid a lot. I hate having all these thoughts and feelings pushing everything around inside me. I hate that they come out all the time. I hate that I feel like if I don't say them my body will just ache until it stops working. I hate that I don't have a therapist. Or a confidant. I hate feeling so untethered. I just want to curl up all the time and be done. I can't believe in any feeling worse than this. It is so constant and it doesn't lessen at all. I thought it would. I thought maybe a month past everything would help. It does not.

and being angry. It hurts too. Randomly, walking to the grocery store or waiting for a bus or reading a book. I'll get so angry, so disgusted. It makes me want to find her and punch her in the face. It makes me want to say the worst things to him, to hit him too. I become so enraged. I'll quietly wish so hard that they'd just die in some horrible way. I've never felt like this before. It makes my limbs ache as well.

There's too much of everything right now. I want to thin it out. I want to wander to the ocean and roll in the sea. I want to swallow up sand and be done with air and breathing. Done with Love and hurt. All this betrayal, all this never being good enough, never having something good. The sea might remedy that. and if not, it couldn't be worse than this. all these wishes for horrible things on them, on me.
i am so sorry.