[well, fuck.]

My head is so muddled right now. I feel like I am constantly all over the place. Wait, that's sort of true. Overall the tone of my life and my heart is so much more lifted than it was. It has been almost a year since Tyler and I separated. A little more than a year since I learned of his affair. At the time I wanted so badly to be at least six months from it, a year seemed like heaven. I think that mostly I am processing and handling it all quite well. These things take time though. Seven years doesn't just dissipate the same way his physical presence has.

On Sunday James and I were talking about something that sort of had to do with Tyler and like it generally does it evolved into a small rehashing of this and that. James gets so upset, so hurt for me and all the injustices. The more I meditate on it these days the easier it is to just be tired and apathetic. James is the angry I should still be. We talk about it a lot I think. Not for long periods of time but he's such a good sounding board and he likes to over analyze things too. Best of all his heart is sensitive and forgiving. He believes I should be angry, that it's warranted but he also believes in not being bitter or cynical, that I will hopefully forgive both Gloria and Tyler. It is good to talk to him. But I know and he knows, and says, that I should really be talking to someone professionally. We get to these points in conversation where inevitably we stall a little. I keep circling with buts and he knows he can't say anything or help at all... Neither of us are frustrated about it but it's becoming obvious that it will probably become so tiresome if I can't find new ways to help me through what I'm feeling.

Last night I had these complicated, emotional, Tyler dreams. I haven't really had them in months but my body is feeling it all again in new ways lately. I want it all to be done. My heart is so hurt. I don't want to just begin crying every time it comes up. I am tired of that. I don't want to give it that much weight in my life anymore.

I spent a chunk of time yesterday tyring to find sliding scale therapists in the area. Specifically on the lower end because realistically I can't spend more than $20 a session. I'm not even sure if that's possible around here. I need to be actively working through the tyler shit, the body image/eating disorder shit, the depression/anxiety/bipolar shit. Fuck. I am tired and I just want to swear about it. I feel like I am so much further than I was even two years ago but there's so much left, there's so much hampering me down and I just want to be light and airy. I want to be incredible alone and I want to be incredible in this relationship. I cannot always be traipsing in circles. I cannot.