[satiety]

I have been sending one million resumes and personalized cover letters to one million employers. I have also met with the school advisor and planned my fall schedule. It is simple and includes just math, english, and yoga but I am excited, and scared, and a little worried but mostly excited! I am worried about being able to work enough without stressing myself out too much. We will see when we get there. I am wishing for a secret relative who reveal themselves to be rich and really wants to see me get through school and supplement my income! Oh, dreams...
James has already promised to help me with homework and projects and any schooly-problems I might have. Him being a professional school-goer these past 30 years. I am nervous for math even though it is the lowest they offer (!). I haven't taken a real math class since I was in 8th grade, thank you Washington school district (and Integrated Math). hah.

It is nearly the weekend again and this one will be full. My sweet sister has her BFA show tomorrow night and then she graduates on Saturday. Very exciting stuff all around. Also a birthday party and hopefully a picnic.

I have been cooking more these last few weeks. I am hungry all the time. Ravenous. I am not sure about it. It's scary and feels various degrees of wrong. My quieter parts had been toying with the idea of diets and exercises for summer and skimpy clothes. My louder parts were worried, and mostly I hadn't changed any of my food routines yet. But this whole week! I could eat a steak the size of the ocean! I tend to think that my body knew I was meditating on less calories and just the knowledge made is insatiable. But I also tend to think of my body as always trying to spite me and maybe I should break out of that thought pattern.
Last night, I became depressed and then really angry with myself for still starving after a big dinner (again), I went to bed early and hoped I wouldn't be hungry in the morning. Of course I woke up wanting to eat out my fridge. I skipped breakfast thinking I could scold my body. Just coffee and a sandwich once lunch time. You'd think I would learn! you would think!

Okay, okay. No skipping meals. I know it. I do. I don't know why I am craving everything in mass quantities. It might be James' absence and my subsequent loneliness. It might be medication dose changes. It might be just a regular, silly body thing that I fail to understand. I have spent the afternoon brainstorming solutions. Bigger breakfasts, better snacks, more attention to fibers and proteins in every meal. Continue drinking silly amounts of liquids (sooo much peeing!).
Hopefully this plan of action will work. It's hard to be hungry all the time, it makes my head worry for the past eating disordered me and the remnants in the future.