[addendums]

oh. oh. oh. my fluttering insides. I am telling you, such silliness, such infatuation. Do you Love the world and it's ability to push you in every place in a matter of months? What is the date? July? I have felt nearly everything in eight months. No. I do not pretend to have felt even close to everything but definitely the most my small little life has ever considered feeling in such a short amount of time.

Here is this- blossoming in me. All the softness. all the brightness. all the possibilities. and it does not really matter at all where they are coming or going, simply that they are there and moving rapidly through me. So much that I cannot sleep in this million degree night.
It is a lot that I have been disappointed. It is a lot that I gave up a year ago, completely. I found it written in paper journals constantly "I give up, I give up. He does not love me at all and I am done." I was too whatever to move from that though. Kept believing him when he said he was reinvesting himself. whatever though. My heart was so dried and crisp.


And even though it is the loveliest it seems imperative to be very slow. But I'm not sure why. Can't I be whomever I want and if I want to enjoy this fast pace, this sweet awkward beginning, can't I do it however I want? It feels too wonderful and I think I might not trust that. Which I hate a little. Which is less cynicism and more my heart only still repairing. And that's okay. And this is okay. And it can all be okay and whatever it is and I should not over analyze. I should let it seep into me however it wants and love whatever it gets to be for however long it happens.

Because I am okay. And I can be everything. and I did not honestly think I could be these things or be through these things. But I have. and I still feel shiny. I still feel worthy and I still want to fill the niches in someone else and let them find all of mine. and I want to take however long I want