[Love and some things]

He just stopped liking me. Probably around the time he stopped being so nice. Probably around the time I was depressed and thought it was because I was fat. Oh, he thought it was because I was fat too and then when I got less fat more recently he was attracted to me again but still didn't like me. I guess that's how things go. You can be with someone for seven years and then what, six in you realize you no longer like the other person. Well it's too bad because I never stop loving anyone. It's okay for me but not so good for other people trying to push me away with affairs and meanness. And does that happen often? do people just stop? What happens when I marry again, when I fall so in Love sometime later. What if I'm just the sort of person who has an expiration date for love and likeness? There is no guarantee for things like this. Sometimes it just happens.

It's just, I still believe in Love, and happiness, and marriage, and the goodness of people. I just am so hurt that someone I committed to for so long ultimately couldn't stand me. It's better like this I know, but it still hurts.

[for now]

Somewhere not as positive today. My enthusiasm dissipated through the night- probably due to my dreams. I don't want to take any of it back but it just hurts more today.

I passed out resumes everywhere and hopefully if I am very lucky I will be able to find a job so soon and be out of this house by the end of June. There are many amazing deals on apartments right now. I'm worried they'll disappear before I can get one.

Eating things with garlic tonight. I can do that now you know. Might walk to the store for a bottle of wine, might drink all night with Dinosaur. I'm hoping we'll be able to talk tomorrow. At this point it is him being scared and shutting down and the regular things that happen when he is overwhelmed. Hopefully things will be okay, in whatever way they can.

(I Love my bunnie) click for full cuteness

[over]

well, that's it. Today I am exhausted but okay. I hope this feeling lasts.
Last night I wandered around in a hysterical fashion taking photographs of insignificant important things. (stuff under the couch, slept in bed, two refrigerators, star wars book shelf, etc)
I thought my dreams would be rife with dreadful events. I forget them mostly but the general feeling upon waking was no so bad. Not like before. Perhaps my body already knew, my heart just wasn't ready. It won't ever be though, I know that. In times like this we must be sensible. We must continue to persevere.
Sometimes things just stop working. That's it. and then it's over.

[damp cuffs]

That job interview was a lie, on their part. It was essentially an open barista call, experienced and non. Which could have been almost good even but it was just coming in a filing out an application on top of my resume and giving it to them and that being it. Isn't that the point of craigslist? very confusing.
So still no job. Though very clean house and lots of tasty baked goods. When one has time things happen.

Dinosaur is definitely still my love. and because I love you I will show you pictures of his bedroom. I bet you wish you were a bunnie with your own room. When we actually have money he will be beyond spoiled.

Max wishes he had his own room.

He really likes to rearrange fabric so he gets lots of blankets and rags.

Sneaky!

The cardboard house on the left is his favoruite. The very bottom box has a maze in it. it was very silly to make. He's almost always in there.

My oldest brother is in his last week of performing Gutenberg! and I desperately want to see it but it is so far from me. Perhaps I will rope someone into being transportation; someone who loves musicals, west seattle, me, and bribes of baked goods. In other brother news my second oldest brother and his Lady are visiting from California and will be at my home tonight around 12. I am quite excited and am already planning on making heart shaped pancakes for the morning. And even though we are poor the fridge is stocked with beer, mind you not much else but we know what is important. I can't wait to show off Dinosaur to them.

currently I am drinking, in my pajamas (with sort of damp cuffs), no make up, and watching Tyler play Halo with some British chapps. Not too shabby for a Wednesday.