[even mollusks have weddings]

Christmas was nice and nice. It was good seeing my siblings. Especially the ones that are living far away and that I miss on a regular basis. I have been sick since the 21st and have been abstaining perfectly from all alcohol, it's been a little hard with all the holiday happenings but I really want to feel better. Tyler's had the week off and we've done little else than shopping, eating, kissing, and watching tv. Thank God for netflix.

Tyler's been so perfect to lately. I've still been so weepy and anxious, it's important to know I can always completely count on him.
Speaking of, how long is this new medication going to take to work? I am two months in and not feeling any less depressed. I am still unmotivated, weepy, manic-anxious, overwhelmed and apathetic. Perhaps three or four months on this script will prove hopeful. It worked many years ago... shouldn't it work again? My dr thinks I have high expectations...

I find out in a week about my fertility, snow postponed my previous appointment.

It isn't snowy at all anymore (le sigh).

today we went to the airport and I exchanged some dollars for yen. we are adventurous.

[and numbers and numbers and numbers]

I have been having the hardest time waking up lately. The house is quiet except for the heater and outside is gray and windless.

I weighed/measured myself today. Which is always stupid, I already know. My weight effects me less than you would think. The numbers always look so unfathomable that I'm just in some sort of disbelief. My measurements are what seem more tangible and cry-over worthy. On some side however, my waist has stayed exactly the same (huge) through the last twentyish pounds. So, that's... something? Everything else grows around it. I don't want to be writing about this but I'd really rather not be thinking about it. Sometimes I am convinced that if I stop writing or talking about it, it will all go away. It does not.

Unrelated, I hope. My period is still absent. What is this, seven months, eight? It feels weird. I mean, generally this sort of think lasts four or five months and then I get it for two and then four or five months nothing again.... I know there have been a few years where I did not get my period at all but I was so unhealthy than. I just, I feel like my body is fighting me on every step. I want to eat a few meals in one day and not feel completely nauseous. This is silly.

[tough]

Did I say that things are eerie? Because they are. I am different anxious lately. Like I am waiting for something bad to happen. It is not normally like this. It tends to be more general or separation related. Not this scary, dreading feeling.

I made a dr's appointment for next Tuesday. The receptionist asked me my reason for making the appointment and I told her that there were many things general-exam related, like I have a yeast infection and I want to address my depression/anxiety. She told me that they don't do pap smears in the same appt. as other things and then asked me which I thought was more important. I didn't know... it's silly. They both are. I asked if I could make two appt.'s for both right now and she said no. I set up the general exam because my yi isn't killing me, it's just annoying. I was flustered and didn't think to ask why I couldn't have both and now I want to know. The receptionist had me find this doctors web page and fill out my patient forms. Some of the questions are silly, one is exactly 'what do you do all day?' Martha told me that I should definitely write something about petting the cats. I didn't but I did list baking and reading. I guess I'm bad at these sorts of things. I like doctors and everything but finding a new one is embarrassing and anxiety inducing. What if she thinks I'm stupid or dramatic or lying? Sometimes they are like that. I am easily discouraged in these settings. I always want authority to like me. I am barely ever like this with my peers. And now I feel so silly for feeling silly. It would be easier to stay home but I won't. I am too sad for that.


work is slow and our economy is shit. My work is cutting hours and Tyler and I are thinking I might have to find a new job until things pick up. They are laying off people at is work as well but he is in no risk of that. It's just frustrating mostly.

Our weekend was nice. Tyler and I stayed up all night (1-9am) watching Heroes on Friday. We slept forever on Saturday and had my family over Sunday. The family was not stressful even a little and my pies came out perfectly. We played apples to apples and Tyler and I drank a lot of wine with my parents. We all sat in the middle of the living room on the brown shag throw rug and laughed. It was lovely but a little exhausting. Thanksgiving is soon and that, I can guarantee, will be stressful. Until then.

right now I am all melty from work and smelling like stale coffee. It must be bed time

[messaging]

I just got home from an extra long night at work.
Tyler texted me earlier before I left for work to let me know that he was at the bar and I texted him back telling him he was 'wiiiiiiiild', for being at the bar for so long. And without missing a beat he texted me back 'yeah, I carried the watermelons.'
Such is my love!

[because I do and I don't]

I'm not here but I promise I am other places. and I think for now at least, that is good,

[yes!]

for all sorts of everything. I think almost everything I voted on went the way I wanted.

I'm so excited. I need to find a beer and celebrate with these cats!

[Guess I'll just keep on, until I reach the sea]

Our one year anniversary was today. I wore my veil for more than a few hours; I may be still be wearing it now... it's pretty. We celebrated over the weekend with piles of blankets and kisses, drank so much tea, and watched five movies. We have nearly the entire week to ourselves and I'm excited about it.

The last month has been stressful. Too many people and babies in the house. Winter is supposed to save me and its complete lack of help has only made me more depressed and despondent. Today makes me feel like I need to do all sorts of things but I'm not sure any of this will carry. for now I am counting on caramel, the many forms of apples, and love. Probably pajamas too, if I really think about it. And for now maybe this veil.

A couple photos. You know, we're the only ones around so it's always the one arm out sort of thing. Fancy, basically.

(spring)

(summer)

[autumn]

I am counting on October for everything. Crunchy, orange leaves ought to do it, no?
I collected handfuls of leaves to bring back to Tyler

"these are the ones I like the best, the ones that remind me of you"

He keeps them in public places, and lately I blush.

[more than it must]

I am so behind. But it doesn't matter; perspective or something:

Portland and birds and foreign friends. We drank, and laughed, and ate, and did all the perfect things one is supposed to do while away. Martha and I could have easily been happily gone for months. We are thinking that hostels are our new best friends and might make a trip to Canada before passports are required. Ideally Iceland would be next but with our complete lack of real money (we have a lot of fake money) we can only get so far.

This weekend was ten times more ridiculous than our Portland week but I'm too embarrassed to tell you why, even here.

I am thinking that I need to somehow learn to embrace crying in public. Shouldn't it be freeing, sharing all that with strangers? Sometimes I suppose.

Everything is all a mess though and I'm not afraid to tell you that most of whatever I've got is pretty shitty. Life and whatever. It's easier to be flippant about it because I'm really trying to not let any of it bother or hurt me any more than it must. Occasionally it feels so complicated but when I break it down (for a friend) it's so simple and infinitely more sad. Whatever- I am strong and the world won't end, even if everything else does.

[all around]

Joy! The weather forecasted for today was 74 (the lowest we've had in forever) but it is currently 3.30 in the afternoon and 59! I could not be happier with the gray, rain threatening sky. If we could get a little rain, oh, heaven. Tomorrow is supposed to be 76 but I'm so hoping it will turn out like today. Hope, hope, hope.

I found a medical assistant/receptionist job on craislist for a local, two physician clinic. They're just opening I guess and noted that they are willing to hire non-experienced for the right person. It sounds nice to me. I've really always loved medical things and just being near them. Plus I'm good at customer service, and organization, and all the other blah, blah, blah required. So, fingers crossed that no one with real experience applies. hah.

Today, I walked to the library. It's a bout 30 minutes each way. I had this Kafka book checked out for months. It's so late. I've received a total of 4 threatening letters and 2 less than charming phone calls. Plus they wanted to send me to collections for $54. I figured it was time to make the little trek and bring the book to its proper home. I'm a bad person; the poor library didn't know this when they sent me my library card. I'm sure there's some sort of warning that will pop up every time I borrow a book now. "THIEF!" or something of the sorts...
The used record store in the cool part of Auburn (see the one block of Main Street with the coffee shop, moped tattoo parlour and Frisbee golf store) closed. The block is infinitely less cool now. And I'm a little sad about it.

Today will consist of dishes, reading, and sewing together a bag for my trip. Maybe I will even talk Tyler into a kiss.

The sky has made me very hopeful.

[tipsy train riding]

I'm taking the train to Portland late on Sunday and staying in a hostel (below) for three nights.


There will be drinking (good beer, coffee, and tea). Book and antique buying. And food.
It's been almost a year since I've taken the train nearly every weekend. I miss it and am pretty excited for this two hour reunion. Do you think they'd notice if I drank my own wine? Train wine is awfully expensive but tipsy train riding is important to me. Also, train solitaire. Oh, I love cards.

[Former Doctors]

Several months ago I saw a commercial for Seattle Children's Hospital and during the commercial they showed my former ED IOP doctor, Cora Breuner. It was really exciting for some reason. I hadn't seen her in quite a while and even though it was just on tv, it made me happy. She was always such an amazing doctor. Definitely the very best ED doctor I have ever experienced. I remember being 13 and wishing so badly that she were also my psychiatrist.

I was just at the grocery store and while waiting in line I was eyeing the various fall magazines near the checkout lane. And right in front was Cora, on the cover of Seattle Metropolitan Magazine , with the headline of '100 top doctors.' Happiness again!
She was just so encouraging, kind, and understanding with me. I'm so happy that she has continually received the recognition that she deserves.

[happy eating]

When Tyler and I moved into our house one of the first things I wanted to do as a grown-up couple was receive my produce from an organic local farm. I'd always wanted to do this but it seemed silly until I was cooking for other people on a regular basis. It helps even more now that Martha is living with us as well. I looked into farm shares but many of them required me to drive to select locations on a regular basis. Me not driving, Auburn's few bus routes, and Tyler's dislike for driving or scheduled plans made me think that I wouldn't be able to have the local veggies I wanted. Then I realized that some farms delivered boxes to you! The selection of delivering farms is less living between king and pierce county but there are luckily a few. Thanks to this website I was able to research which farms would be best for us.

We buy a lot of veggies- the three of us eat essentially vegan (martha and Tyler love their cheese and I always bake with butter) and I have grown so tired of waxy, questionable, grocery store produce. In Edmond's we were able to frequent a produce stand just down the street but the nearest location to me now is far into Kent and has more plants than produce. Lately I have been the worst at procrastination (changing my last name, mailing thank-you notes that have been ready for the mailbox since November, finding a better job, etc) and have just finally now signed up for produce delivery. I know a lot of it had to do with me working somewhere steady and feeling okay about spending a little extra on quality produce. It's been as easy as going to a website and signing up. easy-peasy, lemon-sqeezey.

My box comes next week and contains the following:

3 Pink Lady Apples
1/3 lb. Salad Mix
1 bunch Carrots
1 1/2 lb. French Fingerling Potatoes
1 Head Garlic
4 Clementines
1/2 lb Green Beans
6 Fair Trade Bananas
1 Bunch Spinach
1 lb Broccoli
1 Delicata Squash
2 Roma Tomatoes
1 Red Onion
4 0z Crimini Mushrooms

and even more exciting
"Each box contains farm updates and helpful recipe ideas. Other items that might be included are: Rio Star Grapefruit, Endive, Swiss Chard, Cauliflower, Baby beets, Celery, Lemons, Basil, Bok Choy, Leeks, Garnet Yams, Dried Mangoes, Parsnips, Celery Root, Red Bartlett Pears and much more."
I might get some surprises!

[10.48pm]

All of the things that I used to be are tangled up in all of the things I am now. Some have been strangled out and others have only grown thicker. This has been a very difficult week. I keep telling myself that once fall is official everything will change. If my desire to asign supernatural powers to meaningless events actually worked, I would be an authentically happy person. Instead we pretend and let the rest of our time fall into bed with soggy pillows.

[Dizzy Lizzy]

After nearly a year of being married and quite a bit of contemplation and being so fickle, tomorrow I'm finally going to go get my name changed. I don't know if I'm more excited to have a new last name or a state ID. I don't drive so I've always just used my passport as my main form of ID for everything.

Very, very dizzy today and lately. Perhaps it is season changing which makes my vertigo so much more worse than usual. I always associate not drinking enough water with dizziness. I don't know where I came up with this, is it true? I drink a lot of what though. 1-2 liters a day. It feels like a good amount to me.
My stomach has been so upset lately, again. I don't know what I should be doing different to fix my insides.
With my name change comes a health insurance card that will match my new id. Which means finally dr's appointments. I feel like this is the second longest time in my life that I've gone without visiting the dr's. Nearly a year. Wild. Luckily within the last year I was able to still pay for/obtain perscriptions that I already had. And I've become almost a pro at treating my own YI's. Anyway. I'm excited to visit the doctor. I am not excited however to find a new doctor. I dread having to explain all my medical history and finding someone that I fit with. Sad faces all around.

[1.54pm]

Aside from the alarm/phone call incident my body has been waking me up promptly at 12. If one is needed (and more for just in case) I tend to set an alarm for 12.30, today it was actually 1.30 because I didn't fall asleep until 6. But my head has a pattern. At least a wake-up pattern, everything else feels sporadic.
I dreamt something about horses and riding to Puyallup. I woke and tried to peak my eyes through the slit in the curtain to determine the weather. My strained morning eyes could not see anything but light. Light. So I cried my morning cry. A little thing that happens and can go anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. Today happened to be a bit long. I tried to make myself go back to sleep but my nose was too filled with snot to let me breathe properly. And I had to rub my eyes. I love to rub my eyes. So I lied there and cried and cried and eventually walked around to try and calm myself. This only made things worse (hyperventilating) and I was trying not to wake Tyler. I buried myself back into bed and resigned myself to staying all day. But I have to work in a bit and eventually I got up to pee. Sometime after the pee my head quit buzzing and my mouth and nose dried up and I finally stopped crying. But I can already guess that today is going to be a crying day.
We can hope not but it is unlikely to turn out otherwise.

[11.07pm]

Today I woke up to what I thought was an accidentally set alarm. It was a phone call, this is the problem with having one of my ring tones as an alarm. I didn't answer it, just pushed that little ignore button on the side. What a beautiful button.
I thought about making tea but I remembered that I still needed to put my pants in the dryer and that distracted me from my body.
Later, after waking Martha and kissing Tyler (who had fallen asleep on the couch) I did my make-up in bed. This has always been my favourite place to put on make-up. It's like taking a pretend nap. Here is what I do: I grab my little double zippered Dior bag of necessities, pull the curtain slightly back from the window (for natural light), find a good movie, and tuck in. It really makes my morning routine less tedious and somehow just from this simple multi-task I feel like I'm getting a more relaxed morning. If I could get ready for the day entirely in bed, I would. I love when I have to dress myself under blankets because the bedroom air is still too cold from night.
I took the bus downtown and thought more about how with each year my resolve to never drive strengthens. I ate and shopped alone. I took the long way to every store because I could. And in the evening found a coffee shop to drink cold tea at. I love cold tea almost as much as hot tea.
And now, I'm telling you.

[I don't mind]

I have been considering telling you everything. But where would the mystique be?
maybe I should stick with what doesn't give you a thing because this doesn't, none of this does. I could go on all day about how this rash on my foot, my left foot, is finally gone- after 6 years it just left for no reason and it fills me with this hollow happiness.
Although there isn't much mystique. I can recognize that. You get the sadness and the every day in between. It isn't much.
Maybe I am already saying everything. But I don't mean to. I'm just, I'm stuck in this place and I couldn't tell you for the life of me what it is.

[But Abraham Lincoln was the great emancipator]

On Friday night we bought a new throw-rug for the living room. We'd been eyeing this one specific brown shag for a while and it went on sale so we snatched it up. Here's the thing with fresh shag though, apparently it sheds, a lot, even after you give it a few vacuums. Party on Saturday night = brown fuzzies everywhere.

The party was a success, I think. I baked two apple pies, fluffy white cupcakes with pink cream cheese frosting, samosas, savory chicken crescents, and pinwheel sandwiches. We have all (martha, tyler, me) done very little drinking in the last several months. Especially me. I don't know why but there you go: I was trashed by 9pm and in bed by 11.30, because you see- I am WILD. Three beers and two cocktails. Apparently I also forgot how to pace myself. And how to eat. I was stressed about everything coming together and the house being ready and people were showing up all day earlier and I didn't know why. I took two crying breaks while cooking. And each time Tyler would see and follow me into the bedroom and lie next to me and kiss my cheek and tell me things were okay. I'd breathe carefully a lot and then go back to getting everything ready. I forgot to eat or drink anything. while drunk I was extra in love with everyone and everything. I probably would have made out with everyone just so they would have understood how much I loved them. Thank goodness everyone else seemed to be less drunk, except tyler, who did put his tongue down my throat but that's good stuff.

I was so sick all yesterday, and have called in sick to work today. I am not as sick today but happen to feel a million times too depressed to do anything. So I'm not going to. And I may call in all week. Maybe I should just quit and be melancholy in bed for a few months. I can think of very little better right now. Or at least indulgent. I am too depressed to do a thing and at this point I'd rather give in than blindly fight. We'll see. It is all heaviness and I am sick of writing about it. or thinking about it. Or feeling it, for that matter.

I bought a gym membership a month ago and have only gone once. Clearly I think wasting money is a lot of fun. Also, that everything there is too triggering for me. I want to take pointe again. Oh, I'm just going on now....

[you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin]

Today is my half birthday. 22 and one half. Exactly I think. I know I was born between 1 and 2am. So, there you are. And here I am.
Mid-wives and soggy rain in a small house. But it's August and nothing is like that.

Tomorrow is a big birthday party for friends. I am going to bake things and wear a red 50's cocktail dress. I think that's all I know right now. Everything else could go any which way, as things tend to go.

I am wondering lately, when everything is going to stop?

[Saturday]

I'm just saying that on a random Saturday night I sometimes like to go out. Especially when I am too warm and antsy; it has been a while since I've really gotten dolled up. All our friends have babies now though, who goes out on a whim at midnight? me, but I guess that's it. Tyler's at work and I am bored. I am also extra down lately. I thought going out alone today might help but it may have made things worse.

I wish David Bazan would come home soon and play a show. I know it might sound silly but I feel like every time I see him play it changes my life. And he hasn't played a local show in a while. I don't like having to wait more than four months. I am sure he is not everything, clearly but I feel like it is another one of those small very important things/moments that help me remain clear and hopeful. I have been on youtube almost daily pretending to be right there, it is not the same but it definitely helps.

[Friday]

I don't really have anything to say.
I am so ready for fall. I want September and October, over and over.
Work is warm, I would quit if I knew where to go next.
I'd rather not be working.
I'd rather be painting and sewing and colouring and writing poetry;
Can I get paid for that?

A mosquito bit my arm pit. the whole thing is swollen and gross.
Have I told you that I am so done with summer? Were there twice as much
camping with beer, maybe things would hold better
but they do not because there is only once as much.

[what is driving me crazy; in parts:]

Let's stick to basics though. No literal craziness, that is less interesting and more sad.

My back for one. And joints while we're on the subject of insides. I've just starting taking glucosamine though and am desperately looking forward to its benefits. I feel like an old achey woman with these hips and other such joints. I am also 80% sure that I have some sort of glucose intolerance since I pretty much want to die after eating anything. I've never had my food allergies tested but my mom and I are both pretty sure this may be another one. My previous doctor thought it was probably just psychological after effects from said eating disorder. guilt nausea and such. But I know that years of anorexia ruins bodies, and minds are wild things that can force food allergies all on their own. Either way, I just want to feel less physically shitty after eating. I want to feel good about foods other than rice and salad, all the time.

More importantly however, I'm sick to death of being a woman in current-day society. I am sick of catcalls and not being able to go to the grocery store without some man making rude comments to me. And I am even more disgusted that men seem to think I should take all this as a compliment- like they are doing me a fucking favour.

I don't drive which means I do a lot of walking and busing. This unfortunately also means that I am constantly being hollered at from cars, having men pull over and say whatever to me, and having men who are also walking make remarks and/or follow me around. I am not a sex object. I hate having to worry when I go out if I look to provocative. It's 90 degrees lately, I want to wear a tank top with my large breasts and not worry about you staring at them or thinking that my breasts imply that I'm Soooo easy. Most of the time though, it doesn't matter at all what I'm wearing. It is simply that fact that I'm a woman- I'm just inviting this sort of shit, aren't I? I have hips and a vagina so clearly I need you to harass me because I'm just looking for a reason to get in your pants.

Last week one of my co-worker's was letting me know that a former manager has become a new regional manager. Upon this promotion she met with our manager and told her that she thought, with the exception of the manager and the morning girl, that our coffee stand is the 'ugly stand' and that us girls are all ugly, fat, and gross. She also told her that she thought my manager should fire us and hire 'hot girls', like the stand she managed. When my co-worker told me this I was beyond furious. I wanted to cry. I was SO angry. I don't even care that she thinks we're ugly, fuck that, whatever... the 'hot girls' at her stand dress slutty and are all cookie-cutter tan, bleach blond, thinnish girls and I don't find that attractive. So, whatever. What really upsets me is that she's been promoted and clearly feels comfortable telling managers that this is the sort of business that her and upper-management want to run. I was under the impression when I was hired that our company's main emphasis was on quality coffee and good customer service. Not half-naked women who were 'hot.' My co-worker then went on to tell me that when girls apply at Regional Manager's stand, she has her employees write a sad face on the application when the girl is 'ugly' and a happy face when the girl is 'hot' --if the app. has a sad face, the applicant is never called. I want to quit. Even if my manager doesn't enforce this sort of thought, the idea of working for a company that does, makes me feel sick.

I have started getting more and more men at my work who think that because there are so many 'bikini barista stands' etc, that they can be completely disrespectful to me. It's mostly small, subtle things. A lot of the men that are straight up sleazy would probably be like that regardless of anything. Having worked in a different area, without the slutty stands near by, and in the last few months the growth of these stands, it is phenomenal the way we are being treated differently. It's like, they think because we are a drive-thru coffee place, that we are all the same and want to be treated like sex objects.

I want to work and live some where that values me as an individual more often than not. I want to make really great coffee for a company that expects me to be genuine and kind and good at what I do. I don't feel like these are unrealistic hopes for myself. It makes me so crazy and so defeated feeling living and working here. I hate it and I know that I deserve better but I don't feel like anyone is going to change.

[Take your pick from a jelly-roll jamboree]

Last October when I got married, I asked my mom if she would give me cookbooks. I love cooking and a baking and thought that part of our first year married could be about discovering all sorts of tasty things while I learned to hone my kitchen skills. And how silly it has been: powder sugar bags melting on burners and then covering the kitchen in confectionery snow, cookies without flour, splenda in desserts (ahh!), vegan roasts, excessive amounts of cinnamon rolls, pizza dough, and warm breads. The cooking goes on and on. It has been a delicious 9 months.

One of the cook books my mom gave me was a 1960 Better Homes and Gardens Dessert Cook Book. It is filled with over 400 'all time favourites' and 'exciting new desserts' --which is true, very exciting, very favourite. I wish I'd taken photos of every dessert I'd made from this book. Each better than the last. What is possibly better than the recipes themselves are the little illustrations periodically found within:

In nearly every illustration there is this either a dark haired woman or this blond haired woman:

Apparently women only came in two types in the 60's. I believe that. Better than that though, is with the exception of maybe two pictures, there is at least one child helping cook. I find these illustrations sweet. When I first saw the blond wife (I'm assuming she's married, there's never a husband in the pictures but would she dare be a single mother in the 60's? ... perhaps) I thought- that's me! I too wear little cute dresses and flowery aprons when I bake. Okay, so maybe less on the dresses but my aprons are very lovely and I often wear pearls or kitten heals. And I definitely wear pink bows in my hair (it's true, ask Martha).

So, I have been thinking that I sort of want to get this little blond woman, this wife, mother, and presumably queen of the kitchen (and probably house) tattooed on me somewhere. The photo above is my favourite of her. Jelly-rolling in all her glory. Plus, this is me. Last night I made Tyler a casserole at 3am. I've forever made cookies and pies and cakes per request at all hours. I love it. I love the process and result as well as creating something scrumptious for someone I love. The hour of the baking seems to only emphasise my dedication, right? Sometimes I am half asleep. sometimes I am not. It doesn't matter, it is always welcome and fun.

For the upcoming Birthday weekend of Martha, Josh, and Jesse (with a 1950's theme) I am so far planning on baking a cake I found in this months Bon Appetit (subscribed for me as a wedding present from someone anonymous who must love me).

Even if mine doesn't look as good it will taste better.

[warm ramblings}

It is hot and I am dizzy from not eating. I should eat something but I am sticky and lethargic. I'll have to cook something and hot anything seems awful in combination with the sun. I've been trying to create some sort of wind tunnel involving fans and windows but with this humidity it is nearly pointless. I would also like to have sex but for these same reasons I am instead melting on a couch in front of a computer. Maybe wind tunnel sex? That seems complicated considering the 'wind tunnel' only really covers a couple feet.

I cannot wait for fall. Have I told you of my dislike for summer? It's the authentic heat that does it. I am a true lover of artificial heat. Blankets and heaters and cocoa. It's just, one can only get so naked.... even if I could remove my skin, I'm not sure it'd be enough. I've taken to walking around the house in undies and a bra. I'm not sure my weird neighbors mind or even notice. Tyler thinks they peak through their kitchen window into our kitchen window while I'm washing dishes in my bra and cooking in nothing but an apron. But I don't think they care. I think they're busy doing their own cooking in their own nudity.

I promise I will not stop whining about the weather until is the beginning of September. Just you wait and see.

[let it sink in]

I have this tendency to assume that everyone knows the same things as me. I don't know if it's a narcissistic thing or if I just believe that I don't know very much so everyone must already know what I know. Either way, I am constantly surprised in conversation when I make some sort of reference and this other person hasn't a clue what I'm talking about. I make this assumption with experiences too. I haven't done anything interesting so surely you've experienced all my boring things, right? I think it makes me come off as bitchy, or like I think I'm superior. It trips up great conversation. I am aware that I don't know anything generally, that others know. You'd think this would go both ways.
Do you do this too?

Something at work reminded me and now I've gone and forgotten a prime example.
I have to wake up in a few hours to be on a buses for three. I can't wait to be car sick. soon Edmonds though, and that is always nice.

[I would like to be you, just for a few habit-forming years]

The ocean held nothing but sand and fog too thick to see or even touch the water. Pea soup fog... you know. I'm not sure what I expect these days. I guess it's just that I have expectations. Little shiny fingers of hope waving me towards the coast, a friends house, a party, a coffee shop- they crumple up as soon as I arrive. White knuckles from a tauntingly taut grip. Whatever, we'll move to whatever is next and place all our redemption into that. It makes sense... at this point.

Tyler is all fever dreams and clammy skin. No barnacles though, unfortunately. I have been lying next to him trying not to give him little neck rubs, attempting not to encourage all the toxins in his body to release and seep next into me. I am anticipating it nonetheless, encouragement or not, these days my immunity to anything is pathetic. Besides, I welcome the bed ridden inevitability of it all. Sweat soaked sheets with ginger ale and cough syrup- it all sounds soo romantic, doesn't it? Of course it does. of course it does.

[coffee sex]

I'm not sure what coffee is like from where you are but out here it is everything and everywhere. At least every half block there are drive-through espresso stands. Sometimes there are two. In the city everything is sit down but in the suburbs we are %65 drivethroughs and %35 cafes. The best part is that the majority of these places are really delicious. With nearly every drivethrough serving coffee from roasters like stumptown, dillanos, whidbey island c.c., zoka, etc, how could they not be?

What's been frustrating is that over the last couple years there have been so many lingerie stands and cafe chains popping up. I guess it was only a matter of time before cafes and drivethroughs brought in sex, the natural next step. Off the top of my head I can think of Best Friend Espresso, Cowgirls, Hot Chicka Latte, Natte' Latte', Sweet Spot Espresso, there are more with less catchy names. These stands have raised floors so that the customer is at crotch level with the barista. Some of them have theme days but mostly it's lingerie or bikinis. Up until recently girls were allowed to wear g-strings and pasties... The times I've had coffee from any of these places it has been disgusting. Burnt shots to say the least.

As a barista it's been really obnoxious to have men constantly come up to our stand and ask us when we're going to have "Thong Thursday's" or have them harass us constantly about not being a sex stand. I've had several customers go into detail about how girls will bend over for them while wearing skirts with no undies. These cafes bother me because I get harassed the more there are of them. There are a lot of other reasons I don't like them but this is what effects me the most.

Are there sexy coffee houses where you live? Is this just a N.W. thing? Maybe I could move away from it... it groses me out. I am always spilling stuff on myself and using my half apron, nearly naked would be such a pain.

[Currents]

Currently:
A little land sick and cold


Current Book:


Current Album:


Current Film:

(I don't know what that guy in the corner is about but this is one of my favourite stills)

Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure:

In the last couple weeks I've forced myself back into drinking coffee and loving it and now I'm addicted to it again. I was just so bored at work I didn't know what else to do. Soy french vanilla lattes, iced for now though preferably hot.

Current Link:
http://michaelianblack.typepad.com/

Current Drink:

Over ice. The more generic the better.

Current fetish:


Current wish list:

and sleep kisses

and


Current Song:


Current Triumph:

giving slightly less of a fuck about being fat

Current celebrity crush:
(pretty much always)
and


Current indulgence:

wearing pants as little as possible.

Current excitement:
a wild weekend at the ocean

Current Mood:
(puddle lovey)

[Pretty excited]

I have six new mosquito bites and they all itch right now at the same time. I thought you should know. By the way, they are all from the same ambitious mosquito. Apparently we have some sort of close relationship. A love/hate thing probably. As it always goes.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Michael Ian Black at my favourite book store. I'll even see my sister. Maybe I'll eat some cake for good measure. This has got to be a great day and I think cake would probably top it off. From the Honey Bear of course. Yumm.

[and everything]

It is only 12am and I am thinking about going to bed. My hips are sore. Not from sex... in case that's what you were thinking; I wish.... anyway, from the gym. I had my personal session thing that they set you up with when you first join or whatever. The woman I spoke to really wanted me to lay out some sort of concrete goal, essentially x amount of pounds, or if I was really cool xx amount. But I wouldn't do it. I continually told her that my main reason for joining was out of boredom and because I had been a member prior to moving and had enjoyed that.
She went into nutrition. It was hard to hold my tongue. I didn't want to hear it. She emphasized that I needed to be hyper-aware of what was going into my body and the way those calories were used. I was so calm. I don't want to be. I am practicing knowing less. Caring less. She asked me on a scale from one to ten my dedication to my health. This question is too long and involved to be on a scale. I told her '7' but knew I was lying.
I know she was simply doing her job but it still made me sad.
We took my body percentage using very scientific methods and then looked at some one size fits all chart. Almost as cool as looking up your bmi... (whatev). I was in the 'acceptable range. It goes like this 'essential, athlete, acceptable, unacceptable.' She told me that she was also in the acceptable range but if I lost this much weight I could be in the 'athlete' range. Which apparently, she thought was wear I should be heading.

I worked out for a couple hours and then came home and cleaned up the boys' mess from the night before. Which makes sore hips. There's the point. I feel like an old lady today and have already prayed a million prayers that I don't get osteoporosis when I'm 30 and that my joints hold on for a little longer. I also took a million more vitamins than normal. baby prayers with each swallow. My legs are so bruised lately. Iron supplements anyone?
Boring. Sore hips.

tomorrow, I think, squid making. Much more exciting.

[and all the while]

I just wanted to say that my hair looks nice today. So there, that's all.
(shiny and bouncy and perfectly placed, straight out of bed....)

[Real Fun]

Sad Elizabeth is so boring. There is little less boring than hearing about being sad. I don't mean to be so dull: I woke up, I cried, I took a shower, I cried, I got dressed, had a panic attack, I went to work and I was hyper-anxious for 5 hours. Boring, boring, boring. But hey, look at me- I am showering and that's big in all sorts of ways. It being a million degrees out is certainly a large factor in this. Thank goodness.

Work was very, very slow today (again... always) and the only way to really pass time is to talk excessively with whomever one is working with. My co-worker told me a million fascinating stories about things in his life. My stories are not interesting, they mostly involve being sad and knowing other sad people, and generally all these depressed people hate their bodies and are trying to destroy them in some way or another. Not neat, not really what people share. This is what I've got though. Mixed in with even lesser interesting stories about the ebbing and flowing of friendships. Sometimes we get drunk and do something silly, sometimes we make pinatas. This is what I've got.
Mostly though, aside from the depression, I like my life. So it's okay, just poor for work exchanges. Whatever...

Today I came home and played with a baby and a mustache handkerchief- now that is real fun.

what the pharasies don't see

I wish I wrote this. Maybe I did (I didn't). I wish I could sing like dave bazan. when I sing along I unintentionally (now) sing out of the corner of my mouth. On purpose I squint one eye. Sometimes I think this will help my singing ability. My sister tells me it's hindering more than I realize. I'm sticking to it, maybe someday I'll be able to carry a real tune. Until then, I can pretend I'm right there with him:


The Fleecing, David Bazan

Deep green hills whose shoulders fade, into the gray tall wet grass.
Whose flesh makes fools of grazing sheep, whose fleecing makes a fool of me.

And who shall I blame for this sweet and heavy trouble?
For every stupid struggle?
I don't know.
I could buy you a drink.
I could tell you all about it.
I could tell you why I doubt it, and why I still believe.

But I can't say it like I sing it.
And I can't sing it like I think it.
And I can't think it like I feel it.
And I don't feel a thing.
Oh no - I don't feel a thing.

And who shall I blame for this sweet and heavy trouble?
For every stupid struggle?
I don't know.
I could buy you a drink.
I could tell you all about it.
I could tell you why I doubt it, and why I still believe it.
And why I need it.
And what the pharasies don't see.

And we'd have more drinks. We'd speak of so many things.
But I don't know you, and you don't know me.

[steps forward and all the way back]

What happened? I was hopeful, or some variation of that, maybe with a twinge or two (or three or four) or melancholy. But oh, I was hopeful. And ready and and excited, and the positive adjectives go on and on. I thought 'oh, it will be this easy once I get there.' It was all work and preparation for something better. It was workbooks that made me sad and giggle, it was a summer therapist, and careful calculated moments to keep me above floating level. I was well into walking for goodness sake. I was barely touching the water with my toes, I wasn't even wading.

I should have kept it up. I see that now. All of it being quite pointless if one stops taking anti-psychs/depress' regularly, stops speaking thoughtfully to an objective person once or twice a week, stops planning perfectly nice things that could not fail in making me happy.

Now I am all back at the beginning- the fucking ocean. Stupid, trite hands all flailing and my gargled voice, probably yelling at myself. I thought foolishly that the momentum of change would carry me. I believed with all my little depressed body parts that love and everything nice would be some sort of cure-all. Or at least be enough. How many times have I told myself it is beyond love? that as beautiful as it would be, clearly, historically, it has little to do with enough love. I just... I wanted it to be simpler and I guess I got lazy. I didn't want to be having to work so painfully hard every day. I didn't want to cry hysterically in my sleep every night from exhaustion. It's too silly and everyone says so. But where else do we go? and you know I mean me, where else do I go. Because this is really just me in the ocean alone. And you on the sand, your feet all warm and soft from it. I'm not jealous, just sad- again.

[diagonal sleep]

This married life ebbs and flows. You know that though, right? I'm not surprised but when one gets caught in tides it's easy to get nauseous.

Today we lied around in our undies and giggled (still) excessively at Stella (actually, we love the skunk tails...). At some point in the afternoon we napped and woke up with heat headaches. Clearly the only way to remedy this was beer or swimming. The beer was warm on the kitchen floor so we opted for a close second and hopped in the shower. Now, maybe I'm one to be a tiny bit modest and not share my shower escapades but let me tell you, this was straight business. I felt like we should have been wearing ties or shaking hands at the end. All hair washing and soap and cold water. No hanky-panky in the least. The heat must be making us lazier than I realize. It was probably the most formal shower I'd ever taken with another person (and now thinking about it, have I ever taken a shower with someone else? ...maybe not, definitely not another boy, maybe when I was little? At any rate I'm sure they were a great deal sillier). I will try to make next couple shower sillier. Although we probably won't have another unless we get double shower heads- we are both pretty whiney about being the dry one.


Later we went to a friends (newly married!) and bbq'd and watched a dodgy bootleg copy of Iron man, complete with people walking in front of the actual theatre screen. For some reason the dvd stopped working about 3 minutes prior to the end but we made good guesses about what happened next (death and destruction- possibly followed by love making and little robot babies). Oh how I miss everything on vhs.

anyway, I think I'm have asleep typing this. that nap clearly was a joke because my eyes are fuzzy and it's just barely 1am. Tyler's playing halo so i better get some quality center of the bed time in before he hops in and decides to sleep diagonally. such is love.

Things I am excited for

July is packed full or quality events:

This coming weekend Martha, Tyler, and I are going to Marymoor park for some kickass shows:



Then On Sunday Martha and I's bff is having her baby shower: (did I mention I took a ton of baby bump photos of her last month? well, here's one)


Then MIB at third place! only the greatest book store ever.
Time: Tuesday, July 22, 2008 6:00 p.m.
Location: Third Place Books LFP
Soon after that is Harry and the Potters and Nuemos, a show involving crafts and wizards, does it get any better? Tyler and I will definitely be attending. Third summer in a row!


And then, most importantly. My dearest mermaid sister's 20th birthday! I am sooo excited. She has to get all her teen angst out over the next couple weeks.

[July 4th]

Home from work right before midnight. Busses running on a Holiday schedule- once an hour; still late. This house is empty for the weekend. Besides cats. Besides glasses of wine. Besides me. Yesterday was awful. I had felt hopeful but now all practicality in me has been replaced with this crushing feeling. I'm practicing breathing- it helps. My stomach is in knots.
I do not mind. There are probably an amount of I told you so's going around. Tomorrow I'm going dowtown and will pretend I don't exist. It's easier to do with hundreds of people surrounding you.
it's okay though. It's okay.

It's okay.

Nothing Aquatic

Bee's find my body
but here they do not sting.

-------------------------------
I've decided to delete this blog. clearly. We are starting fresh here, whatever that happens to mean. Farewell old posts.