Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Friday, September 24, 2010


I arrived home yesterday. I am only two hours off. Something kept me awake until 4am this morning though. And today it is already 2am. I am careful to sleep well when I'm with James I suppose. In central time it is four am.

The rabbits zoomed through the apartment all yesterday and today. I've never seen such enthusiasm from them. Parsnip crawling up my arms, Beaumont all ear flops. They are finally exhausted and tucked away in their nooks.

I am in awe of my approaching future. Everything has continued to land delicately in to place. A new job, school funds, wedding planning, being able to continue living in Seattle. These things had me a little scared.

I find myself able to believe in God when things are good, when they are bad I cannot fathom an existence. Mostly I believe in Love and that is whatever it is.

I start school next week and I am hoping it will distract me enough from some unsavoury behaviours. eventually I will like myself most of the time, right? Because the idea that it's just supposed to be like this is too depressing. I hate, hate, hate that when expressing my self-image issues  the response is that it's just normal and no one feels good about themselves. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to believe that we just have to accept hating ourselves. there have to be ways out of it.
I know it doesn't matter much because things are so good and easing along. I try to set my sadnesses aside in order to not appear ungrateful. I am so grateful that my life is becoming something beautiful and rightly wanting. I wish I could balance these things though. I don't know how to be allowed depression when everything is so, so lovely. It doesn't make sense. I won't dwell on it any more than it needs though. Maybe it will just ease away as well.