[just keep swinging 'till you're over it]

just touching down again. Still kicking and such. still computerless, getting rid of my fancy internet phone because Lord, it is too much money. I have no money. But it's fall/winter in seattle and everything is so soggy and the leaves are all bright and they fall like snow when the wind bustles in. James picks out the best leaves for me and puts them in my hair and then touches my face with his hands, frames it almost, and kisses me. Daily. We eat a lot of warm home made food and sleep restfully, taking turns, in each others beds. We do not get sick. I barely get sad. my nose is always runny after being outside and when I am sad, it is okay and safe and I am never stupid. Everything is real and careful and good.
And I can't think of a more succinct way to tell you that I am simply happy.

(hopefully I will be back to reading/writing soon... and laptop is in my future)

[discoveries]

I've been meaning to write but my life is still in Transition and sometimes simple things become very complicated. Like real computers, with keyboards...

I want to first tell you something very important:
I Love my body. (!)
It is a good body, it has persevered, and I want to care for it. It only took me twenty three years to be able to say this with genuine feeling and honesty, knowing every extent of the phrase. I want to Love it more too and I will. Being away from Tyler, this fresh air surrounding me, it's a little dizzying but beautiful and I am finally allowed to feel however I want without someone important to me passively disagreeing. I feel very about this, very sure. It is a life altering revelation and I've sort of been discovering it over these last three weeks.

My apartment stuff is taking extraordinarily longer than expected. I'd better be in next week or I might cry. I am too excited and impatient for waiting any longer. I already bought new curtains and garbage cans for goodness sake. I'm ready!

Also, before I forget, Gaelyn and Trevor (her man), and Martha, and I all drove up to Anacortes and saw Bowerbirds and MegaFaun and by some wild fluke, only about 15 people came. It was a very intimate, beautiful show. They played together a lot and had everyone sing along. Afterward we all hung out and chatted and played some instruments and had a wonderful time. Magical in every single sense. It only could have been better if David Bazan were there.

[addendums]

oh. oh. oh. my fluttering insides. I am telling you, such silliness, such infatuation. Do you Love the world and it's ability to push you in every place in a matter of months? What is the date? July? I have felt nearly everything in eight months. No. I do not pretend to have felt even close to everything but definitely the most my small little life has ever considered feeling in such a short amount of time.

Here is this- blossoming in me. All the softness. all the brightness. all the possibilities. and it does not really matter at all where they are coming or going, simply that they are there and moving rapidly through me. So much that I cannot sleep in this million degree night.
It is a lot that I have been disappointed. It is a lot that I gave up a year ago, completely. I found it written in paper journals constantly "I give up, I give up. He does not love me at all and I am done." I was too whatever to move from that though. Kept believing him when he said he was reinvesting himself. whatever though. My heart was so dried and crisp.


And even though it is the loveliest it seems imperative to be very slow. But I'm not sure why. Can't I be whomever I want and if I want to enjoy this fast pace, this sweet awkward beginning, can't I do it however I want? It feels too wonderful and I think I might not trust that. Which I hate a little. Which is less cynicism and more my heart only still repairing. And that's okay. And this is okay. And it can all be okay and whatever it is and I should not over analyze. I should let it seep into me however it wants and love whatever it gets to be for however long it happens.

Because I am okay. And I can be everything. and I did not honestly think I could be these things or be through these things. But I have. and I still feel shiny. I still feel worthy and I still want to fill the niches in someone else and let them find all of mine. and I want to take however long I want

[the places i'm at are very warm right now]

Today I felt very sharp, like I could have the best reflexes and perhaps out run something very fast. But now that I am home, at my parents, I feel a little fuzzy and disconnected. I think there is this thing happening where my life inches forward in fluid quick movements but it isn't quite off the ground yet. I am still in Transition. which is fine but my equilibrium is all off whack. And I'd like to just be a grown up in my own place doing my own thing not tethered much to anything. It sounds so airy and free. Soon, I know. All the patience right now. All the patience.

[future excitements]

[I would rather the Sea]

Something of boats and
Love, the unforgiving
fullness of both. My limbs
always flailing and
needy.
I would crave the sand--
want it fresh against
my skin, coarse granules
renewing me. I could
need a ship, sturdy
to and fro-- my legs
strong and ready.

But the Sea,
having it turn and turn, my
body cold and used. The Sea
brings me everywhere, it lets
me hear the swoosh
of the fish and
the smack of the clam.

[messy]

I don't know. My heart hurts or my body hurts. Maybe it's both.
I worked seven 11 hour days. In the hospital. Only standing. Everyone is cranky and in a hurry. Or sick. Or crazy. or everything. No one cares down there. But that's it , Manager was on vacation and is back. Good money though and that's what counts, right? No more waking up at 5am and getting home at 7. Thank God.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad normally. Whenever normally happens. Still sobbing on the bus home. It's just that even though I am busy at work, my chest tightens and I suddenly remember us on new years and her passed out on the same couch as us. Or him over there mornings after work. And maybe if I hadn't been trying to be understanding, maybe if I hadn't wanted to let him have his space. Maybe it wouldn't have ended up so bad. It just makes me feel so gross. Her there on his birthday. me stupid, in the same room, not knowing. I try to keep these thoughts out of my head. But they're just there.

I feel so stupid lately. I thought the first few years were just hard. I thought we'd figure it out. That things would be good. I Loved him so much and wanted goodness so much. I thought it would be enough. Waiting for him to like me again... I don't know what I did to make things different. I was sad. I felt stuck in a city with nothing to do. I felt useless not working. But I think I tried. I feel like I have excuses for everything.

It's too much. It's not even that I don't have hope because I do. I believe I'll be in love with someone who will treat me so well, and we'll get married, and have beautiful babies, and kiss in public too much.
But right now I just can't even fathom the idea of ever even feeling okay enough to talk to boy. I feel so worthless. I feel stupid a lot. I hate having all these thoughts and feelings pushing everything around inside me. I hate that they come out all the time. I hate that I feel like if I don't say them my body will just ache until it stops working. I hate that I don't have a therapist. Or a confidant. I hate feeling so untethered. I just want to curl up all the time and be done. I can't believe in any feeling worse than this. It is so constant and it doesn't lessen at all. I thought it would. I thought maybe a month past everything would help. It does not.

and being angry. It hurts too. Randomly, walking to the grocery store or waiting for a bus or reading a book. I'll get so angry, so disgusted. It makes me want to find her and punch her in the face. It makes me want to say the worst things to him, to hit him too. I become so enraged. I'll quietly wish so hard that they'd just die in some horrible way. I've never felt like this before. It makes my limbs ache as well.

There's too much of everything right now. I want to thin it out. I want to wander to the ocean and roll in the sea. I want to swallow up sand and be done with air and breathing. Done with Love and hurt. All this betrayal, all this never being good enough, never having something good. The sea might remedy that. and if not, it couldn't be worse than this. all these wishes for horrible things on them, on me.
i am so sorry.

[abbreviated details]

Trying to post off my phone does not allow me more than a few hundred characters. So now a computer, now a full post with depressing details. But bullet points because letting myself rest on any one of these for more than a moment or two is entirely too much:

+I only dream about them. Sometimes it his him leaving me again and again. sometimes it is him explaining my numerable faults. sometimes it is her being herself and me helpless. It tarnishes my days. I cannot get away from it. They are so vivid. I want a no-dream potion.

+He is with her now or still or what have you. And they are 'in love' and he is 'the happiest he's ever been' now that he's with her.

+I still have not seen him even for a second since he left me. He refuses and I am tired.

+He cleared out our bank account and despite making close to $3,000 a month, claims he can't help me at all financially because he just doesn't have any money.

+ The few times we have spoken on the phone it has become clear that he could care less about anything having to do with me. He has been hurtful each time, not the tiniest bit empathetic or apologetic. It has been as if I did something horrible and wrong.

+I am moved back in to my parents house. In my sisters old room. with my bunny and all my stuff.

+I am bussing between downtown for work and their house on weekdays.

+I love my work

+I am so emotionally exhausted that I've sort of turned into a terrible friend. I simply cannot muster up any real empathy for anyone right now.

+I spend most of my time at work colouring in my harry potter colouring book. I have only been reading the lightest, most whimsical books, and as soon as i get home to the time I go to sleep I have been watching LOST in bed. I simply cannot handle letting myself delve any deeper into me.

+All the momentum I had, all the hope, and faith, has become very convoluted and watery. It's there but I just can't feel it enough to do anything.

+I'll be in my own apartment by the beginning of August and I'll be okay. I know that. I just want these things to not be so terrible and constant.

[static]

I lost my momentum. I don't know what happened. My head is fuzzy a lot. All the information from him is exhausting. He's so happy with her...

[upswing]

out of limbo. finally. I interviewed yesterday and I start tomorrow. I felt very good vibes from these people. I plan on working a million years for them. Can we pray to every god that it is a wonderful job that I'll adore to death? I deserve that. I am believing in it and taking it. In fact, I am taking every little drop of goodness that anyone can provide. My chest is wide open for Love or anything close to it. People are good, I know that and it's important not to forget. A Cafe' called Insomniax. I get to make coffee in a casual setting, I get to be friendly and personable. I love these things. I hope that I will somehow make enough money to move out by the end of July. That's reasonable I think.
My bunny is the softest.
I should not forget to take my seroquel when I am supposed to. It spirals me out. Last night I felt like death.
I should remember everything good and nice.

[tuesday]

I am bright and soft. I am trying so hard to persevere. I am bright and soft.
I don't know. These things are so hard. and they keep hurting so much. None of it is lessening. Someone said to just wait for three weeks, that there would be tiny improvements. I don't know. It doesn't feel like it. I am doing everything I can. I am trying very hard. and it is so much. I don't want these things. I don't want any more of anything. I just want things to stop being like this. I've been covering all sorts of surfaces in post-it notes. I am trying to be so positive. but even my post it notes for me are sort of sad. and I don't know why I can't just hop over this. I just want everything to be done and far away. I just don't want to do this anymore, it all hurts to omuch.

[unexplainable]

My head continues attempting to put life's events in some sort of cohesive order. Silly the way we want things to make sense when they never really do. My whole year has been covered in lengthy unexplainable moments.

I am at the tea shop today. Pouring iced red honey peach tea down my throat seems like the only fix for now. What is funny or ironic or sad is that I have finally found the perfect medication combination/amount and am positive were recent happenings not bringing me down I would be genuinely, simply happy. I guess I have that to look forward to once the dust has had time to settle.

I am letting things be. Whatever they turn into is clearly not even remotely within my control. If the last six months have taught me anything, it is that.

[bobbing along on the bottom of the bubbly briny sea]

i miss him a lot. This is week three. Whatever that means. I get embarrassed when I think about how I allowed myself to be treated. But I still miss him. I still want us to change and evolve and be beautiful and happy. I want us to fulfill our potential. I so wanted to work on everything. We could have. But everyone has to be trying. Not just me. Not always just me.
my heart is so broken. this year has been so overwhelming and hurtful. I just want goodness now, that's all.

[Love and some things]

He just stopped liking me. Probably around the time he stopped being so nice. Probably around the time I was depressed and thought it was because I was fat. Oh, he thought it was because I was fat too and then when I got less fat more recently he was attracted to me again but still didn't like me. I guess that's how things go. You can be with someone for seven years and then what, six in you realize you no longer like the other person. Well it's too bad because I never stop loving anyone. It's okay for me but not so good for other people trying to push me away with affairs and meanness. And does that happen often? do people just stop? What happens when I marry again, when I fall so in Love sometime later. What if I'm just the sort of person who has an expiration date for love and likeness? There is no guarantee for things like this. Sometimes it just happens.

It's just, I still believe in Love, and happiness, and marriage, and the goodness of people. I just am so hurt that someone I committed to for so long ultimately couldn't stand me. It's better like this I know, but it still hurts.

[for now]

Somewhere not as positive today. My enthusiasm dissipated through the night- probably due to my dreams. I don't want to take any of it back but it just hurts more today.

I passed out resumes everywhere and hopefully if I am very lucky I will be able to find a job so soon and be out of this house by the end of June. There are many amazing deals on apartments right now. I'm worried they'll disappear before I can get one.

Eating things with garlic tonight. I can do that now you know. Might walk to the store for a bottle of wine, might drink all night with Dinosaur. I'm hoping we'll be able to talk tomorrow. At this point it is him being scared and shutting down and the regular things that happen when he is overwhelmed. Hopefully things will be okay, in whatever way they can.

(I Love my bunnie) click for full cuteness

[over]

well, that's it. Today I am exhausted but okay. I hope this feeling lasts.
Last night I wandered around in a hysterical fashion taking photographs of insignificant important things. (stuff under the couch, slept in bed, two refrigerators, star wars book shelf, etc)
I thought my dreams would be rife with dreadful events. I forget them mostly but the general feeling upon waking was no so bad. Not like before. Perhaps my body already knew, my heart just wasn't ready. It won't ever be though, I know that. In times like this we must be sensible. We must continue to persevere.
Sometimes things just stop working. That's it. and then it's over.

[damp cuffs]

That job interview was a lie, on their part. It was essentially an open barista call, experienced and non. Which could have been almost good even but it was just coming in a filing out an application on top of my resume and giving it to them and that being it. Isn't that the point of craigslist? very confusing.
So still no job. Though very clean house and lots of tasty baked goods. When one has time things happen.

Dinosaur is definitely still my love. and because I love you I will show you pictures of his bedroom. I bet you wish you were a bunnie with your own room. When we actually have money he will be beyond spoiled.

Max wishes he had his own room.

He really likes to rearrange fabric so he gets lots of blankets and rags.

Sneaky!

The cardboard house on the left is his favoruite. The very bottom box has a maze in it. it was very silly to make. He's almost always in there.

My oldest brother is in his last week of performing Gutenberg! and I desperately want to see it but it is so far from me. Perhaps I will rope someone into being transportation; someone who loves musicals, west seattle, me, and bribes of baked goods. In other brother news my second oldest brother and his Lady are visiting from California and will be at my home tonight around 12. I am quite excited and am already planning on making heart shaped pancakes for the morning. And even though we are poor the fridge is stocked with beer, mind you not much else but we know what is important. I can't wait to show off Dinosaur to them.

currently I am drinking, in my pajamas (with sort of damp cuffs), no make up, and watching Tyler play Halo with some British chapps. Not too shabby for a Wednesday.

[spaces and conections]

I feel okay. I mean, I'm drunk but I feel okay. Which has lately not been the case. I get all weepy and anxious and overthink recent events. Perhaps time has finally made a difference. Or God, or circumstances of said drunkeness. Maybe it's not every time.
I feel okay. Tyler is playing Halo and Pete is over and after he told me that he thinks i'm more attractive not really skinny he started playing quitar. Normally I could take him or leave him. Tonight I'll take him. Thanks.
I brought wedding photos to my therapist. She loved them but kept saying "oh, you're so skinny here!" I don't get it. Didn't I say I suffered from an eating disorder for years? because I'm fat now does it not count? Maybe she doesn't understand. I'm almost the same weight I was at the wedding. Or at least I thought I was. Maybe my scale is lying. Who knows.
Drunk writint. that's good stuff.
I forget what I was going to say.
Camping on the ocean this weekend. Jon interview on wednesday, will finally be able to buy new make up and fancy clothes. (yes)

my bunny is still Very cute.

[epiphany shit]

Here's my revelation.

when I'm fucking angry, BE fucking angry.

oh my gawd. it took me twenty three years to figure this out. You have no idea. Literally (clearly not metaphorically), no idea how much this helps. Can we just say that if I just concentrate on the angry I don't even have time to invalidate my feelings. Amazing. I'm telling you.

[The Professor]

My therapist gave me a really good book about managing anxiety without medication. Although we both agree that I should stay medicated, it doesn't make the help inside the book any less helpful. I read most of it yesterday and wrote down important things in my (paper & pen) journal (which is really cute btw... birds and such). A lot of what was inside I'd definitely heard before but there was some new stuff and some old stuff reworked. It also never hurts to remember all the old things. The year before we got married I was so motivated to be top notch by the time of our wedding. I wanted to be emotionally ready for anything. And I was until we got married and moved away from all the things that I had kept as help. I didn't account for a new place. For some reason I thought I would easily be able to adjust and find new happy places and activities. I'd never moved outside of that immidiate area though. And I wasn't prepared. That combined with no dr network left me about a year in a half to regress to almost where I was at before.

I just, I feel like I've done this before. I have to keep telling myself that it's not that it didn't work, I just got distracted and stopped using the tools I knew. And this time around of getting myself back into the real world, I can't even do it the same... Everything is different and there are so many new added stressors. and there always will be. So, I am reading books, keeping seperate lists of things to do when I'm anxious/verging on a panic attack, depressed, lonely, and insecure.
I don't have a therapy appt this week but tyler and I have our first marriage counseling session on Thursday. Here's hoping to it being a good fit.

So, we're going to the ocean in a couple weekends (if the weather holds) and I'd really like to be able to fit into a bathing suit (specifically top). I've been really good about not eating crappy foods (minus when I was waaasted the other day and Tyler bought me Mcdonalds I guess). I've also been doing more difficult yoga (cardio-yoga they call it) in the morning and sticking to my weight/resistance stuff in the later afternoons. I soo want to go for a jog but my breasts are just not going to cooporate, plus it's been like in the high 70's lately and as lovely as it is I'm sort of a huge baby when it comes to moving my body in the heat. waaah.

The bunny is good. I thought he hated me because he snuck into our bedroom and pooped and peed on my clothes but not Tyler's. Then Tyler told me that Dinosaur was just claiming me because he loves me... he loves his cage and poops everywhere in that!Oh and today when I woke up I found The Professor (photo below- I Love Tyler) waiting for me on top of Dinosaur's cage. Amazing! (except eating a giant chocolate bunny is sort of on my 'no' list currently... )
(note the bow tie, but no spectacles!)

[days of bunny love]

So I have a uti 'with flying colours'. I walked out of the Dr's with four prescriptions. Lets kick this thing in ass. Since my appointment was sort of impromptu I was only able to see the nurse (pee in a cup, take my temperature). I had an appt scheduled for Thursday anyway, I will be able to talk to my dr about my more recent moods then. I don't know if I should adjust my medications or change them or do nothing at all. I also have my therapy appointment tomorrow (right before my dr's - they're in the same building; convenience, yeah?). Perhaps I will talk to her about it first. I don't know though... we're still going through all the history stuff. It could be several more sessions until we move onto what's really going on in my life currently. hmm, we'll see. That's the doctors update though. Bright orange pee, achy stomach and lower back, terrible headache. (I even slept like 14 hours. which I pretty much never do. crazy)

Yesterday Tyler was exhausted and I felt sick so we spent the day on the couch with the bunny. He is really starting to become familiar with us. We probably spent 10 hours with him yesterday before we put him back in his cage. This weekend we are turning Martha's former room into a Dinosaur palace/ craft room. I love him and he really likes Tyler. Animals and babies are always drawn to Tyler and it's so cute because he Loves them too. Very exciting stuff. I think I'll take him out in a little for a romp in the living room.
Dinosaur:


I could really go on forever about random things. I am full or words and thoughts these days. Not that I am ever really not. I might create things tonight. New Lost. I think Dinosaur will like lost. So far he really likes Heroes, Soprano's, and Halo. He doesn't like America's Next Top Model. He also likes to poop on the couch. Minus the ANTM thing, Tyler and I think it's a good fit.
:loves

[ before this ]

These feelings aren't going away. I think they are progressing quickly into unmanageable if they aren't there already. I don't know. Today should have been good and it was but I have just felt so completely inadequate and insecure as of late. My head is fuzzy and being with people I love should be simple. I just, and I'm regretfully embarrassed to say this, am having a really difficult time being around people who are underweight. Natural or not. I hate it because I don't see them or base their worth on their bodies; I guess that I am just in this fragile state where I am both grossly jealous of them and so disappointed/Angry at myself for being gross. I hate it. I hate having these obnoxious habitual thoughts. I just want to be done with it. I just want to like myself. I don't know, I'm just exhausted...

[and here I am softer than a shower]

Here's the thing, you should hire me. I would make a spectacular personal assistant (M-F). I am sweet, personable, outgoing but not obnoxious, cute enough (never cuter than you), good at making appointments, doing laundry, making tasty meals, creating delicious espresso (in all its forms), and even pretty great at entertaining children. oh and I'm super organized and clean. I don't even want a lot of pay. $200-$300 a week would set me up nicely.
I'm totally stressed about not having a job and not being able to find one. Money is okayish but I'm overstressed about it. We were going to go to this therapist tomorrow but he requires his patients to pay the full amount of the first visit, no insurance. Which is like, a million dollars that we can't afford. silly rule anyway. I'd rather have a big grocery store trip than be poor from one therapy appointment. Back to the drawing board basically. Did you know it's really hard to find a male marriage counselor through ones insurance website? And they really give you minimal information. I'm basically just going off names in terms of who may be better. Google is also giving me nothing.

So I just got bit by a flea. I am over these cats. They are on there way out but I swear they are going to kill me in this last week. Yoshi will not stop pawing (with claws out because he knows no other way) my eyelids when I'm laying down. And the howling. He just enjoys to howl and eat copious amounts of food a trillion times a day. ugh.

In less annoying news I have really been enjoying my free time. I've been deep cleaning the house every day. Taking lengthy bubble baths with the laptop(amazing). Colouring, creating, writing, baking, and exercising every day.
I've been feeling all around better mostly. Always less anxious when there are less time commitments in my life. I've been having a really hard time at night though. Which can be difficult because Tyler works a lot of nights and other people are sleeping... I've been sticking to chocolate milk and serroquell to calm down. It works alright but I feel so exhausted in the morning. Still Love my therapist. And spring is nearly here. Aside from my newly formed allergies, I cannot wait for life in the mid seventies.

[crafts and camping]

Have I told you that I Love my new therapist? because I do. I know it's only the third session but I can already see the potential in us working on stuff together. I feel like she is smart and even knows her stuff about eating disorders, which unfortunately is not always the case. I haven't felt this positive about a therapist in a long time. She is sort of funny though. Today she mentioned that I was a 'beautiful woman' which is nice you know but is essentially like a compliment from your mother. What, is she going to tell me I'm ugly? no. She recommended a marriage counselor and I'm pretty excited to see him. Apparently he is good stuff but his bed side manner is 'questionable'. I don't exactly know what that means but it sounds productive.

After therapy Tyler and I got coffee (DoubleTallSoyHalfAsSweetCaramelVanillaLatte) and then went to the craft store. The Martha Stewart section is soo pretty and well designed. Everything Martha markets is done exceptionally. I wanted her glue because of course the packaging was aimed exactly at me. Tyler directed me to the Elmer's. I did happen to buy some of her glitter and am VERY excited to play with that.

I'm actually making my sister a secret spring gift involving nesting and pretty colours.
also, camping was fun stuff:
(click on photos for proper sizing)

[improvements]

Tyler and I are both sick, at the same time. Which is sort of the worst because there's no one to take care of us. I keep hoping that I'll discover some sort of sick people's delivery service where you place an order for homemade soups, ginger ale, cough drops, and fresh bread but I have yet to find such a thing. I'm sure they would make millions though.
So far we've spent days in bed sleeping, and watching Wife Swap and other silly tv. I don't know if it's because I'm sick or just because I'm still an emotional wreck but every episode is making me cry. Tyler and I laugh about it but he is good at kissing my cheeks anyway.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about exercise and how much I know I can genuinely enjoy it in informal settings (at home yoga, pilates, etc) but as soon as I'm at a gym or somewhere more serious I have a really hard time feeling okay about it. The last several times I've joined a gym and gone I've always ended up crying and feeling like shit afterwards. I'm pretty sure that my brain refuses to process exercising as anything other than disordered. For ten years I only used exercise in an unhealthy, unenjoyable way. And while I've managed to finally enjoy food again and think of it to a certain degree as something fun and lovely, I haven't really attempted to make any strides like that with exercise. And lately, I don't know. I know that when I was a lot younger, pre-e.d., I loved jogging. And when I started taking ballet when I was 16, I did that because I loved it and not for any other reason and I never allowed it to enter into my anorexic lifestyle. I remember I so didn't want it to be tainted like everything else.

When other people talk about exercising on a regular basis I have a really hard time not responding to it in the same way that I respond to people dieting. In my recovering mind they are the same unhealthy thing. But that's not right. exercise can be healthy, it can be fun and beneficial to ones life. At this point in my life I walk everywhere, I do yoga daily, I use my free weights, and exercise ball 4 or 5 times a week but I'm so careful to not make myself adhere to any sort of schedule. And I never ever do any of those things if people are around. It's almost a shameful thing. Which is weird, right? I don't know, lately I really want to be more in touch with my body. I want to love myself more wholly. And I feel like the next step in my recovery should be this. So, I'm going to start forcing myself to think of this as healthy in moderation. I'm also going to read more about exercise and ed recovery. and when I get some money I think I'll join a gym and figure out a way to really enjoy my body while exercising. It's not bad to be that aware of myself and I really need to learn that. Self improvement is always good.

[across]

Tyler is sleeping next to me on the couch. Everything is soft blankets and dim lighting. The room is always carefully vanilla scented. We have continued to communicate excessively. It is so good. And nearly every chance we get we've been out doing something somewhere. Yesterday a new (delicious) thai place and electronics shopping, tomorrow so many wild st. patrick things. Today is a snuggly sort of day though. It was sunny and then it hailed and then it was sunny and then heavy thick rain drops and before dark a little more sun. Now it's just cold. I was stuck out in it for a while during the hail, I walked to my dr's appointment... which went well. Turns out I have Bacterial Vaginosis (again), she increased my serroquel as well, and was so nice as always. I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. I am excited to get in. I know it's going to take like 3 or 4 sessions to do the brief family/life history. It always lasts so much longer than I think it will. I really just want to get into what's going on right now though. I can probably skim easily over lots of things and re-visit them later.

work is stupid. Have I said that yet? Two weeks there and Tyler agrees with me that I should find somewhere else. The owner is basically ridiculous and has equally ridiculous expectations. illegal expectations. Like we have to clock out right when the café closes but continue to cleanup/ prep stuff for half an hour or so. Same with opening. And he's been kind of an asshole to me in general when I make a cup of coffee. For some reason he thinks I'm completely incompetent.
Whatever. I just hope I can find somewhere.

In exciting news I ordered a hardcore sports bra that will hopefully do it's job. I'll totally fill you in on that. I also ordered some new face primer (http://www.kissandmakeup.tv/2006/11/sue_devitt_micr.html) that after reading lots about seems divine. What else? I swear I got internet-shopping happy... oh! I restarted my fresh local produce delivery. I had canceled it a little bit a go in an effort to cut little costs in our budget but I've just missed it so much that suddenly it seems so sad without it! and really $25 for quite a lot of produce is a very good deal.

I was planning on watching curb your enthusiasm while taking a bubble bath but I have such a bad headache that I sort of feel like that's too much effort. sad, I think... perhaps tomorrow. If our tub was bigger I'd make Tyler join me but we tried that once and it was a joke.

[I will pull up my anchor]

A new job. Regular newness stress. I haven't worked in a month and a half. within that period of time some extremely shitty things happened and now I'm somehow even more socially anxious and discouraged. I'm a barista so mostly I'm 'happy-customer-service-person' which can be easy to be for maybe 22 hours a week. But it only works if you create a thick layer of non-self around you. Nothing penetrates, everything is pretend. It's hard right now for me though. I'm all too emotionally fragile in my real and fake life. My boss said something about something and I had to hide over by the sink and wash some dishes and practice breathing and try not to cry. And then I was this despondent person the rest of my shift. I don't want that at all. My boss keeps telling my not to be so nervous. And it's not even that I'm nervous but i think he's picking up on my extra-anxiousness and i'm sooo shaky lately. I must look ridiculous. Oh well. Time, i think will help.

Tyler and I switched to Verizon and got blackberries (not the fruit). Mine is pink and his is green. I have a pinkberry and he has a greenberry. cutes. They are the touch screen ones and we feel so high-tech. Also old because it took us like forty five minutes to figure out ringtones. It is wild being able to access the Internet everywhere at every time. I can't wait 'till there are computers in our heads and a screen pops up in our eyes when we think something. I can't wait until we are cyborgs.

So I was bathing suit shopping online yesterday and I found some pretty cute ones (sort of like what I already have). I showed them to Tyler and he disagreed with all of them. He thinks I should definitely be buying a bikini. So.... now I'm trying to imagine myself as a bikini girl in the summer. aah. funny stuff.

what's better(?) is apparently I've lost 15lbs since my last dr's visit which I didn't believe because my boobs grew like a cup and a half. How fair is that? not fair at all! my body is a rebel force sometimes. I must learn to work with it. or something.

Do you know what movie I always Love? Joe VS the Volcano. I love that Meg Ryan plays all the girls. I love the suitcase scene. It's just a quality movie for a Saturday or Tuesday night.

[currents]

Currently:

in a funk





Current Book:





Current Album:






Current Film:





Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure:

good porn




Current Links:

www.tinynibbles.com/index.php

http://kateharding.net/

http://www.google.com/reader/shared/user/13747963699435649949/label/EDDigest



Current Drink:
I'm back on the d.p. wagon





Current fetish:





Current wish list:









Current Song:

Lets fall back in Love



Current Triumph:

deleting my myspace (and tyler doing the same)



Current celebrity crush:

none....





Current indulgence:



and lots of it



Current excitement:
new clothes





Current Mood:

[well I guess I should have heard of that from you]

I wish I could punch the wall in the puyallup house. It would be so sad/perfect. Alas.
We kissed first about a month after officially meeting. We had been purely eskimo kissing prior to that. I was sleeping in Crystal's room and He was staying with her brothers. Crystal had already gone to bed and I was standing in the long, christmas-lit hallway in front of her closed door. We carefully rubbed noses like usual and while He brushed his nose sensually across my lips He snuck a soft, puddley kiss in and it was perfect. I went to bed next to Crystal and we whispered about boys all night.
Maybe a week later while sitting on the end of a pulled out hide-a-bed in the same house, He told me He was in Love with me. and I thought. I remember feeling like I couldn't Love him too, that I wasn't allowed to. But I did and I whispered it in his ear and he kissed my cheek.
I guess I was sixteen then. I guess we were drowning in infatuation and knew it and it was okay.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I move forward. We move forward. everything is hard and sad. but I'm letting the little things be nice. and we are talking and figuring it out and that's all we can do. that's all we can do


(I know it's oh so angsty to be quoting Dashboard but when does someone really get such perfect lines oh well)

[Psalm 13]

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

--------
I don't want to explain what has been going on. I don't want to feel what has been going on. I only know right now that when my fingers have finally gripped one piece of hope my other hand loses hold.
I am persevering. I am breathing and I am praying.
I don't know if things will be okay. I don't know if I will be okay. I know that I believe in healing, I believe in love, and I believe in hope and change.
and this is what I have. and I can only do this one day at a time.

[inspired under boots. ]

I am only uninspired when it is important that i write or create. No, that is not true. It is when I over think it. It is when I avoid feeling too much. It is months (years?) of seroquel thickening my blood. You can see it all regressing. Start with November and walk back five years. Everything I am proud of in a large sketch book. Filled with words and pastels. Oh this makes sense. No lines. Lots of sense. How I will eventually write short stories is beyond me. Ah, yes. This will do.

[i don't know, i don't know]

all this sadness softens me so, so much. I can barely lean into a couch without sobbing at it's coziness. and Tyler's toes, his hairy man feet, he brushes them against my calves and all I want is to roll over into him, so many times. He kisses me on my back when I am distracted and my front when I am not.
Martha and I have been smoking so much weed trying to cry less. and it works but we feel hollow when we think of how Ian won't ever smoke anymore. and it is silly but it still hurts.

Today was the funeral and I keep playing all these memories from the last eight years and it seems ridiculous and unreal. I do not even know. It seems worse because everything is shrouded in mystery. This terrible wonder. It does not make sense. We have been retelling the same stories from the last two months as if hearing them will somehow lead us to a tangible explanation.
It will not. This is just it. This feeling and complete loss of everything. We just won't know at all, ever. It doesn't matter how wrong it seems. We just keep huddling in living rooms and eventually I guess not knowing will suffice.

[and you made us just the same]

I just, I don't even know what to say about my faith anymore. I've been adjusting all these experiences and feelings and ideas accordingly over the last five or so years. And in the last two I'd say I was really struggling with everything I'd ever known. And these days, these days I feel like I am just more firmly moving toward agnosticism. And with recent events. and with my head in the places it's been. I don't know how I couldn't feel this way. but it's all sort of weird. big picture wise. I just, I don't understand a thing at all anymore.

[and the nautical, like all things, fades]

I have been bad at writing. I am back to paper and pen mostly. It makes me feel a little more concise and less like i have to over explain things. I just feel unsure about everything lately and it's difficult to have even a small audience I guess.
I went to the Dr yesterday and my pelvic ultrasound results were in. I don't have the no-baby condition that she thought I'd have but my right ovary is a little wonky. I already sort of knew this though since I only get my period every other month, plus my whole painful-dying-cyst -thing in 9th grade. But officially at this point in time, I'm pretty much good in terms of baby making (from the left one) and carrying to term. So good deal. Oh, one more funny thing about that. Tyler's right testicle is non-functioning from (I suddenly can't remember and want to say) a hernia he had in it as a child. Basically we are reproductive puzzle pieces. aaaaawww and eeeewww.

Emotionally things are about the same. Extreme anxiety and to put it simply, agoraphobia... I don't even know anymore. My dr. is putting me back on some other meds that had helped before so hopefully that will do something. We'll see. I'm sort of a mess but really don't want to be. we are trying really hard.

Tyler and i are all kisses and sweetness, despite me being ridiculous and high maintenance these days. also, i still want a dog. we'll see....