Sunday, February 28, 2010

[and now it's hard to be, a decent human being]

There is a consensus that my reoccurring nightmares of Tyler. Of that house. Of almost two years of manipulation- a consensus that it is coming up again now, spreading itself unwelcomed over my pretty pink new life, because I am safe. I am happy, joyful really. The safest ever.
James touches my face every chance he gets. He kisses my hair. I can feel it, with my eyes closed. All warmth and compassion. It is so full and encompassing. I did not know this Love could really come from a man and that it could be directed completely at me. I did not know that without Tyler that all those things that pressed my bones to my flesh would dissipate. I never considered for a second that he lended to my depression. I have not been suicidal once in the last year. Since we separated. Not even when I was scared and embarrassed and living in my sisters old room. Not when money was scary and the summer was hot. And it has only been a year. I am already the best version of me and it has not even taken me a year away from him. It is that I am allowed to breathe now. It is that I am allowed to have breasts, to have a body. I am allowed to want and feel and need.

It is so ordinary, I know. But it did not occur to me that I was allowed basics with him. I existed for specific purposes and when I wasn't filling them I was unsure of my existence. I have so many photographs, pale polaroids of my face, my arm, my back. I doubted that I took up any space at all. I would cry and cry and he would ignore me for weeks. I put those photos in the garbage a couple days ago. I found them and looking at them was confusing because I almost appeared not to exist in them. I was coloured into the walls, the linens. It wasn't me at all. my face was always so flat then. every one's face was so flat. I could never explain it. People have angles now. they are less muted. I am less muted.
But I am safe now. and regardless of anything I will be okay. That's what it means. that's' what all of it means.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

[well, fuck.]

My head is so muddled right now. I feel like I am constantly all over the place. Wait, that's sort of true. Overall the tone of my life and my heart is so much more lifted than it was. It has been almost a year since Tyler and I separated. A little more than a year since I learned of his affair. At the time I wanted so badly to be at least six months from it, a year seemed like heaven. I think that mostly I am processing and handling it all quite well. These things take time though. Seven years doesn't just dissipate the same way his physical presence has.

On Sunday James and I were talking about something that sort of had to do with Tyler and like it generally does it evolved into a small rehashing of this and that. James gets so upset, so hurt for me and all the injustices. The more I meditate on it these days the easier it is to just be tired and apathetic. James is the angry I should still be. We talk about it a lot I think. Not for long periods of time but he's such a good sounding board and he likes to over analyze things too. Best of all his heart is sensitive and forgiving. He believes I should be angry, that it's warranted but he also believes in not being bitter or cynical, that I will hopefully forgive both Gloria and Tyler. It is good to talk to him. But I know and he knows, and says, that I should really be talking to someone professionally. We get to these points in conversation where inevitably we stall a little. I keep circling with buts and he knows he can't say anything or help at all... Neither of us are frustrated about it but it's becoming obvious that it will probably become so tiresome if I can't find new ways to help me through what I'm feeling.

Last night I had these complicated, emotional, Tyler dreams. I haven't really had them in months but my body is feeling it all again in new ways lately. I want it all to be done. My heart is so hurt. I don't want to just begin crying every time it comes up. I am tired of that. I don't want to give it that much weight in my life anymore.

I spent a chunk of time yesterday tyring to find sliding scale therapists in the area. Specifically on the lower end because realistically I can't spend more than $20 a session. I'm not even sure if that's possible around here. I need to be actively working through the tyler shit, the body image/eating disorder shit, the depression/anxiety/bipolar shit. Fuck. I am tired and I just want to swear about it. I feel like I am so much further than I was even two years ago but there's so much left, there's so much hampering me down and I just want to be light and airy. I want to be incredible alone and I want to be incredible in this relationship. I cannot always be traipsing in circles. I cannot.

Friday, February 19, 2010

[How to be very bright:]

How to be very bright:
Open my eyes when kissing your mouth
Kiss your mouth
Sit behind windows when the sun shines and

imagine heat lapping up my
milky flesh. Determine destinations
with the soles of my feet-
Their wear, Their walk. Unseam
sleeves in the shoulder creases and kiss
my own body.