Monday, April 27, 2009

[spaces and conections]

I feel okay. I mean, I'm drunk but I feel okay. Which has lately not been the case. I get all weepy and anxious and overthink recent events. Perhaps time has finally made a difference. Or God, or circumstances of said drunkeness. Maybe it's not every time.
I feel okay. Tyler is playing Halo and Pete is over and after he told me that he thinks i'm more attractive not really skinny he started playing quitar. Normally I could take him or leave him. Tonight I'll take him. Thanks.
I brought wedding photos to my therapist. She loved them but kept saying "oh, you're so skinny here!" I don't get it. Didn't I say I suffered from an eating disorder for years? because I'm fat now does it not count? Maybe she doesn't understand. I'm almost the same weight I was at the wedding. Or at least I thought I was. Maybe my scale is lying. Who knows.
Drunk writint. that's good stuff.
I forget what I was going to say.
Camping on the ocean this weekend. Jon interview on wednesday, will finally be able to buy new make up and fancy clothes. (yes)

my bunny is still Very cute.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

[epiphany shit]

Here's my revelation.

when I'm fucking angry, BE fucking angry.

oh my gawd. it took me twenty three years to figure this out. You have no idea. Literally (clearly not metaphorically), no idea how much this helps. Can we just say that if I just concentrate on the angry I don't even have time to invalidate my feelings. Amazing. I'm telling you.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

[The Professor]

My therapist gave me a really good book about managing anxiety without medication. Although we both agree that I should stay medicated, it doesn't make the help inside the book any less helpful. I read most of it yesterday and wrote down important things in my (paper & pen) journal (which is really cute btw... birds and such). A lot of what was inside I'd definitely heard before but there was some new stuff and some old stuff reworked. It also never hurts to remember all the old things. The year before we got married I was so motivated to be top notch by the time of our wedding. I wanted to be emotionally ready for anything. And I was until we got married and moved away from all the things that I had kept as help. I didn't account for a new place. For some reason I thought I would easily be able to adjust and find new happy places and activities. I'd never moved outside of that immidiate area though. And I wasn't prepared. That combined with no dr network left me about a year in a half to regress to almost where I was at before.

I just, I feel like I've done this before. I have to keep telling myself that it's not that it didn't work, I just got distracted and stopped using the tools I knew. And this time around of getting myself back into the real world, I can't even do it the same... Everything is different and there are so many new added stressors. and there always will be. So, I am reading books, keeping seperate lists of things to do when I'm anxious/verging on a panic attack, depressed, lonely, and insecure.
I don't have a therapy appt this week but tyler and I have our first marriage counseling session on Thursday. Here's hoping to it being a good fit.

So, we're going to the ocean in a couple weekends (if the weather holds) and I'd really like to be able to fit into a bathing suit (specifically top). I've been really good about not eating crappy foods (minus when I was waaasted the other day and Tyler bought me Mcdonalds I guess). I've also been doing more difficult yoga (cardio-yoga they call it) in the morning and sticking to my weight/resistance stuff in the later afternoons. I soo want to go for a jog but my breasts are just not going to cooporate, plus it's been like in the high 70's lately and as lovely as it is I'm sort of a huge baby when it comes to moving my body in the heat. waaah.

The bunny is good. I thought he hated me because he snuck into our bedroom and pooped and peed on my clothes but not Tyler's. Then Tyler told me that Dinosaur was just claiming me because he loves me... he loves his cage and poops everywhere in that!Oh and today when I woke up I found The Professor (photo below- I Love Tyler) waiting for me on top of Dinosaur's cage. Amazing! (except eating a giant chocolate bunny is sort of on my 'no' list currently... )
(note the bow tie, but no spectacles!)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

[days of bunny love]

So I have a uti 'with flying colours'. I walked out of the Dr's with four prescriptions. Lets kick this thing in ass. Since my appointment was sort of impromptu I was only able to see the nurse (pee in a cup, take my temperature). I had an appt scheduled for Thursday anyway, I will be able to talk to my dr about my more recent moods then. I don't know if I should adjust my medications or change them or do nothing at all. I also have my therapy appointment tomorrow (right before my dr's - they're in the same building; convenience, yeah?). Perhaps I will talk to her about it first. I don't know though... we're still going through all the history stuff. It could be several more sessions until we move onto what's really going on in my life currently. hmm, we'll see. That's the doctors update though. Bright orange pee, achy stomach and lower back, terrible headache. (I even slept like 14 hours. which I pretty much never do. crazy)

Yesterday Tyler was exhausted and I felt sick so we spent the day on the couch with the bunny. He is really starting to become familiar with us. We probably spent 10 hours with him yesterday before we put him back in his cage. This weekend we are turning Martha's former room into a Dinosaur palace/ craft room. I love him and he really likes Tyler. Animals and babies are always drawn to Tyler and it's so cute because he Loves them too. Very exciting stuff. I think I'll take him out in a little for a romp in the living room.

I could really go on forever about random things. I am full or words and thoughts these days. Not that I am ever really not. I might create things tonight. New Lost. I think Dinosaur will like lost. So far he really likes Heroes, Soprano's, and Halo. He doesn't like America's Next Top Model. He also likes to poop on the couch. Minus the ANTM thing, Tyler and I think it's a good fit.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

[ before this ]

These feelings aren't going away. I think they are progressing quickly into unmanageable if they aren't there already. I don't know. Today should have been good and it was but I have just felt so completely inadequate and insecure as of late. My head is fuzzy and being with people I love should be simple. I just, and I'm regretfully embarrassed to say this, am having a really difficult time being around people who are underweight. Natural or not. I hate it because I don't see them or base their worth on their bodies; I guess that I am just in this fragile state where I am both grossly jealous of them and so disappointed/Angry at myself for being gross. I hate it. I hate having these obnoxious habitual thoughts. I just want to be done with it. I just want to like myself. I don't know, I'm just exhausted...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

[and here I am softer than a shower]

Here's the thing, you should hire me. I would make a spectacular personal assistant (M-F). I am sweet, personable, outgoing but not obnoxious, cute enough (never cuter than you), good at making appointments, doing laundry, making tasty meals, creating delicious espresso (in all its forms), and even pretty great at entertaining children. oh and I'm super organized and clean. I don't even want a lot of pay. $200-$300 a week would set me up nicely.
I'm totally stressed about not having a job and not being able to find one. Money is okayish but I'm overstressed about it. We were going to go to this therapist tomorrow but he requires his patients to pay the full amount of the first visit, no insurance. Which is like, a million dollars that we can't afford. silly rule anyway. I'd rather have a big grocery store trip than be poor from one therapy appointment. Back to the drawing board basically. Did you know it's really hard to find a male marriage counselor through ones insurance website? And they really give you minimal information. I'm basically just going off names in terms of who may be better. Google is also giving me nothing.

So I just got bit by a flea. I am over these cats. They are on there way out but I swear they are going to kill me in this last week. Yoshi will not stop pawing (with claws out because he knows no other way) my eyelids when I'm laying down. And the howling. He just enjoys to howl and eat copious amounts of food a trillion times a day. ugh.

In less annoying news I have really been enjoying my free time. I've been deep cleaning the house every day. Taking lengthy bubble baths with the laptop(amazing). Colouring, creating, writing, baking, and exercising every day.
I've been feeling all around better mostly. Always less anxious when there are less time commitments in my life. I've been having a really hard time at night though. Which can be difficult because Tyler works a lot of nights and other people are sleeping... I've been sticking to chocolate milk and serroquell to calm down. It works alright but I feel so exhausted in the morning. Still Love my therapist. And spring is nearly here. Aside from my newly formed allergies, I cannot wait for life in the mid seventies.