Tuesday, March 31, 2009

[crafts and camping]

Have I told you that I Love my new therapist? because I do. I know it's only the third session but I can already see the potential in us working on stuff together. I feel like she is smart and even knows her stuff about eating disorders, which unfortunately is not always the case. I haven't felt this positive about a therapist in a long time. She is sort of funny though. Today she mentioned that I was a 'beautiful woman' which is nice you know but is essentially like a compliment from your mother. What, is she going to tell me I'm ugly? no. She recommended a marriage counselor and I'm pretty excited to see him. Apparently he is good stuff but his bed side manner is 'questionable'. I don't exactly know what that means but it sounds productive.

After therapy Tyler and I got coffee (DoubleTallSoyHalfAsSweetCaramelVanillaLatte) and then went to the craft store. The Martha Stewart section is soo pretty and well designed. Everything Martha markets is done exceptionally. I wanted her glue because of course the packaging was aimed exactly at me. Tyler directed me to the Elmer's. I did happen to buy some of her glitter and am VERY excited to play with that.

I'm actually making my sister a secret spring gift involving nesting and pretty colours.
also, camping was fun stuff:
(click on photos for proper sizing)

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Tyler and I are both sick, at the same time. Which is sort of the worst because there's no one to take care of us. I keep hoping that I'll discover some sort of sick people's delivery service where you place an order for homemade soups, ginger ale, cough drops, and fresh bread but I have yet to find such a thing. I'm sure they would make millions though.
So far we've spent days in bed sleeping, and watching Wife Swap and other silly tv. I don't know if it's because I'm sick or just because I'm still an emotional wreck but every episode is making me cry. Tyler and I laugh about it but he is good at kissing my cheeks anyway.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about exercise and how much I know I can genuinely enjoy it in informal settings (at home yoga, pilates, etc) but as soon as I'm at a gym or somewhere more serious I have a really hard time feeling okay about it. The last several times I've joined a gym and gone I've always ended up crying and feeling like shit afterwards. I'm pretty sure that my brain refuses to process exercising as anything other than disordered. For ten years I only used exercise in an unhealthy, unenjoyable way. And while I've managed to finally enjoy food again and think of it to a certain degree as something fun and lovely, I haven't really attempted to make any strides like that with exercise. And lately, I don't know. I know that when I was a lot younger, pre-e.d., I loved jogging. And when I started taking ballet when I was 16, I did that because I loved it and not for any other reason and I never allowed it to enter into my anorexic lifestyle. I remember I so didn't want it to be tainted like everything else.

When other people talk about exercising on a regular basis I have a really hard time not responding to it in the same way that I respond to people dieting. In my recovering mind they are the same unhealthy thing. But that's not right. exercise can be healthy, it can be fun and beneficial to ones life. At this point in my life I walk everywhere, I do yoga daily, I use my free weights, and exercise ball 4 or 5 times a week but I'm so careful to not make myself adhere to any sort of schedule. And I never ever do any of those things if people are around. It's almost a shameful thing. Which is weird, right? I don't know, lately I really want to be more in touch with my body. I want to love myself more wholly. And I feel like the next step in my recovery should be this. So, I'm going to start forcing myself to think of this as healthy in moderation. I'm also going to read more about exercise and ed recovery. and when I get some money I think I'll join a gym and figure out a way to really enjoy my body while exercising. It's not bad to be that aware of myself and I really need to learn that. Self improvement is always good.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Tyler is sleeping next to me on the couch. Everything is soft blankets and dim lighting. The room is always carefully vanilla scented. We have continued to communicate excessively. It is so good. And nearly every chance we get we've been out doing something somewhere. Yesterday a new (delicious) thai place and electronics shopping, tomorrow so many wild st. patrick things. Today is a snuggly sort of day though. It was sunny and then it hailed and then it was sunny and then heavy thick rain drops and before dark a little more sun. Now it's just cold. I was stuck out in it for a while during the hail, I walked to my dr's appointment... which went well. Turns out I have Bacterial Vaginosis (again), she increased my serroquel as well, and was so nice as always. I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. I am excited to get in. I know it's going to take like 3 or 4 sessions to do the brief family/life history. It always lasts so much longer than I think it will. I really just want to get into what's going on right now though. I can probably skim easily over lots of things and re-visit them later.

work is stupid. Have I said that yet? Two weeks there and Tyler agrees with me that I should find somewhere else. The owner is basically ridiculous and has equally ridiculous expectations. illegal expectations. Like we have to clock out right when the café closes but continue to cleanup/ prep stuff for half an hour or so. Same with opening. And he's been kind of an asshole to me in general when I make a cup of coffee. For some reason he thinks I'm completely incompetent.
Whatever. I just hope I can find somewhere.

In exciting news I ordered a hardcore sports bra that will hopefully do it's job. I'll totally fill you in on that. I also ordered some new face primer (http://www.kissandmakeup.tv/2006/11/sue_devitt_micr.html) that after reading lots about seems divine. What else? I swear I got internet-shopping happy... oh! I restarted my fresh local produce delivery. I had canceled it a little bit a go in an effort to cut little costs in our budget but I've just missed it so much that suddenly it seems so sad without it! and really $25 for quite a lot of produce is a very good deal.

I was planning on watching curb your enthusiasm while taking a bubble bath but I have such a bad headache that I sort of feel like that's too much effort. sad, I think... perhaps tomorrow. If our tub was bigger I'd make Tyler join me but we tried that once and it was a joke.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

[I will pull up my anchor]

A new job. Regular newness stress. I haven't worked in a month and a half. within that period of time some extremely shitty things happened and now I'm somehow even more socially anxious and discouraged. I'm a barista so mostly I'm 'happy-customer-service-person' which can be easy to be for maybe 22 hours a week. But it only works if you create a thick layer of non-self around you. Nothing penetrates, everything is pretend. It's hard right now for me though. I'm all too emotionally fragile in my real and fake life. My boss said something about something and I had to hide over by the sink and wash some dishes and practice breathing and try not to cry. And then I was this despondent person the rest of my shift. I don't want that at all. My boss keeps telling my not to be so nervous. And it's not even that I'm nervous but i think he's picking up on my extra-anxiousness and i'm sooo shaky lately. I must look ridiculous. Oh well. Time, i think will help.

Tyler and I switched to Verizon and got blackberries (not the fruit). Mine is pink and his is green. I have a pinkberry and he has a greenberry. cutes. They are the touch screen ones and we feel so high-tech. Also old because it took us like forty five minutes to figure out ringtones. It is wild being able to access the Internet everywhere at every time. I can't wait 'till there are computers in our heads and a screen pops up in our eyes when we think something. I can't wait until we are cyborgs.

So I was bathing suit shopping online yesterday and I found some pretty cute ones (sort of like what I already have). I showed them to Tyler and he disagreed with all of them. He thinks I should definitely be buying a bikini. So.... now I'm trying to imagine myself as a bikini girl in the summer. aah. funny stuff.

what's better(?) is apparently I've lost 15lbs since my last dr's visit which I didn't believe because my boobs grew like a cup and a half. How fair is that? not fair at all! my body is a rebel force sometimes. I must learn to work with it. or something.

Do you know what movie I always Love? Joe VS the Volcano. I love that Meg Ryan plays all the girls. I love the suitcase scene. It's just a quality movie for a Saturday or Tuesday night.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009



in a funk

Current Book:

Current Album:

Current Film:

Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure:

good porn

Current Links:




Current Drink:
I'm back on the d.p. wagon

Current fetish:

Current wish list:

Current Song:

Lets fall back in Love

Current Triumph:

deleting my myspace (and tyler doing the same)

Current celebrity crush:


Current indulgence:

and lots of it

Current excitement:
new clothes

Current Mood:

Monday, March 2, 2009

[well I guess I should have heard of that from you]

I wish I could punch the wall in the puyallup house. It would be so sad/perfect. Alas.
We kissed first about a month after officially meeting. We had been purely eskimo kissing prior to that. I was sleeping in Crystal's room and He was staying with her brothers. Crystal had already gone to bed and I was standing in the long, christmas-lit hallway in front of her closed door. We carefully rubbed noses like usual and while He brushed his nose sensually across my lips He snuck a soft, puddley kiss in and it was perfect. I went to bed next to Crystal and we whispered about boys all night.
Maybe a week later while sitting on the end of a pulled out hide-a-bed in the same house, He told me He was in Love with me. and I thought. I remember feeling like I couldn't Love him too, that I wasn't allowed to. But I did and I whispered it in his ear and he kissed my cheek.
I guess I was sixteen then. I guess we were drowning in infatuation and knew it and it was okay.


I move forward. We move forward. everything is hard and sad. but I'm letting the little things be nice. and we are talking and figuring it out and that's all we can do. that's all we can do

(I know it's oh so angsty to be quoting Dashboard but when does someone really get such perfect lines oh well)