Monday, April 26, 2010

[on a monday]

Flying off in three days time. I downloaded all 7 Audio Harry Potter's for the plane ride. I haven't flown in six years and I've never even been to the East coast. (Excitemnet!) James has most of our meals already figured out. The important things you know: Italian, french, sea food, pizza, chowder, breakfasts. We will both be well fed by Monday. There's a really good chance we're going to drive up to Maine and spend the night. Maine! I have always (always) wanted to go.
Mostly I can't wait to see James, I don't really care too much about any of the adventures. Four months is entirely too long.

The bunnies have been crazy the last couple days. They are speed hopping from all corners, jumping off of whatever gets in their way. Last night while I was trying to sleep they were pushing everything off the end table next to my bed, chasing the cats from the window sill, somehow finding my paints (!), and eating the last couple couple skittles in a bag. They also peed in my left slipper, again... I am beginning to think that the bathroom should be their home during the night. In the morning they were so excited that I was awake and played their bunnie games by rubbing their chins/noses on my ankles, flying across the room, and then back to my ankles. I would try to pet their bunnie-bottoms but they are so fast! Beaumont's sneezing is nearly gone but I'm worried because he just finished his antibiotics with a sneeze average of one every two days.

I'm in the thick of SSRI withdrawal. Ick x 10 you know. Nothing as bad as NRI's but still... I have two pills left that I've been carving slivers from every day. Every time I go on something new I am so hopeful that they will work it rarely enters my mind the time and torture it takes to come off them later. I would at least be tapering off more carefully if my former dr would give me one more script but since I haven't seen her in a year she won't unless I make an appointment. Between no health insurance and her office being too far away for me now, it can't happen.
I am doomed to brain-shakes, nausea, dizziness, and extra stomach problems for who knows how long. In happier news I'm applying for health insurance. My employer is willing to pay half and James volunteered to help me out when I need it for prescriptions and such... it would be nice to be steady again.

three days! and soft crazy bunnies when I get home.

Friday, April 23, 2010

[The Sea]

Over the last few weeks I've been turning over the idea of genuine connectivity. I am aware that I've been over using the word 'connected' in reference to James and myself. It fits though and it will probably continue as one of my favourite adjectives for us.

When things were clearly at the point of being very very broken in my marriage, I was sort of seeing a therapist. She was big on taking home books, packets, and various audio recordings.
I listened to audio sessions on mood disorders, eating disorders, and perfectionism. They were all relatively basic and filled with information you know if you've experienced any of those. The one cd that I did like though, was on relationships and the way we connect to one another. Some of it was simple like the previous cd's but listening for two hours about the importance of finding effective, constant ways to connect to your partner really bore into me. It made me more aware of the gaps in my relationship.

I knew things were horrible but I knew with near certainty that they were irretrievably broken when I took the time to address our complete lack of connectedness. For years, we had nearly matched up when things were great but even then never quite. and when things were bad. It was like we were on different planets. of course it was my job to fill the holes and make concessions and be the 'unreasonable' one but that's not what I want to talk about right now.

It has become so apparent to me. I have been racking my brain to find memories where we were ever genuinely connected. I want to find the times when I felt that the relationship was so beautiful. When I wasn't talking myself into it being good or allowing awful things because I thought I had unrealistic expectations.

I can't.
I'm embarrassed and sad for myself.

The other day one of my long time friends referred to Tyler always being sleazy and things always being bad.
There had to have been great moments, right? not just a string of mediocre events... right?

When I was 16. When we rode the ferries, and floated in lakes, and kissed on thrift store couches. Those were sweet memories. They count as much as they can. I was connected to Tyler as much I could be to someone of the opposite sex at that time. But after 18, was there ever anything? I can barely read paper and pen diary entries without feeling so ashamed of my then-self for allowing so much. We wanted to connect (I think). We pretended that what we had was right enough. That's the best you can do? But we got married and everything was very wrong and it was obvious the entire time. It was painful how much it did not work. How much I tried and how much Tyler treated me with no respect. How disgusting it all ended up.

It's been rolling around my insides for weeks because I continue using 'connected' to describe my life with James. It is glaringly obvious now. It would have been without James but it's easier to see with him.

I am constantly amazed at how I allowed myself to believe that I could not be treated as well as I really wanted. That in relationships someone is always abused. That it was okay that he thought I was ugly and too much. And stupid and loud....

I am tangenting, I know.

I feel connected now in a way I did not know (believe) would happen for me. I've accepted that most of what I had with Tyler was not genuine or healthy or mature.

That's all. It is good now though, all of it.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

[to do]

I have not been on top of things. Or, I have only been on top of some things. My 'to do' list grows every time I get a chance to cross something off.
I am having the most difficult time mustering any energy. It is all talking myself into action.
The bunnies have been really good the last week and even though they keep escaping their cage at night or while I'm at work, they aren't destroying anything. They help. When I get home from work I lay on the ground and wiggle my nose and let them hop on me and sometimes Beaumont gives my ankle a little nibble. I don't know why. It makes me feel better. If they keep up their good behavior I may let them be free range bunnies. Well, as free range as my studio allows. This morning when Parsnip saw that I was awake she binkied just a little (<3)

The dishes desperately need to be done. There are maybe seven in the sink and no matter how much I tell myself now that I'll do them tonight, I do not. And taking a shower. I need to do that. I get so anxious just thinking about it. I don't understand my anxiety toward showers. Once I am in I am fine but getting there feels impossible.

Eight days until I fly to Rhode Island. I know that a lot of my anxiety and mood swings of late are due to the sudden absence of James. It isn't just that I miss him and grew so accustomed to his company. It's also that he and I move through our lives in unbelievable harmony. For the last nine months my life has been safe, stable, and beautiful. It is still safe and beautiful but for whatever reason, by myself, I tend toward erratic behaviors and seem unable to stick to even bare habits/orders in my day. With James it is easy to have a loose schedule for the week, flexible within parameters that keep both of us sane. The last three weeks have been me eating/not eating at weird hours, sleeping badly, hiding at home more than usual, and feeling in a general funk. He balances me out. I know it. I just need to find a better way to manage for the next four months.

I might just do a lot of venting and re-ordering of thoughts here for a while. Is that normally what this is anyway?
I have a headache and I am very glad it is nearly friday.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

[four months]

I am feeling a little down today. I wish I was an airy floaty thing but my body is heavily refusing.
James called me this morning to let me know that he'll be in Rhode Island for roughly four months. He is good at his job and everything is flooded and it's important.
I want us to pour through summer together, touching everything. Sometime in August breaks my heart a little. It's because we are so good together. Because he is beautiful and kind and giving and more than I could have imagined on my greediest day. I Love him too much, of course he has to be all the way across the country. And September is hurricane season, he'll have to be somewhere for that too I am sure.
Our phone calls are good and whole. Better than I would have thought. Everything is easy with him.

Apparently Tyler married Gloria last weekend. That's uh, whatever it is. weird and sad or something.

I feel weird and sad about everything lately. Why can I suddenly not quite pull myself together?

Thursday, April 8, 2010


what I expected and spent and small amount of time worrying and crying over, was the past. Silly how our flesh remembers the indents and stress of everything before. When Tyler would leave,even just for work (12+hours), I would become frantic, desperate even. My head would spin and sometimes my stomach would knot itself in so much that I would vomit. Everything would be flashing and loud and sharp and I could not remedy myself no matter what.
I felt intensely lonely all the time.

James has been gone for two days and things are fine, or okay, or boring. But I am good. I do not feel on the verge of breaking each piece of me. I do not feel alone or scared at all. I miss him and I wish we could be doing everything and saying more but.
Yesterday we spoke on the phone 4 or 5 times. We are actually good on the phone. He is excited about what he is doing and misses me and I am excited for him and am so glad to be able to squash his worries or insecurities about anything stressful in his job. He is so good at finding all the silly small things I talk about interesting, even across the country.

I imagine a healthy relationship allows me to feel safe all the time, no matter what. I know what is going on, I know where I stand and how we feel. It is good to feel secure. I believe these feelings will carry me and us through the month or so of his trip.