Tuesday, November 30, 2010

[i know]

I know why there is an eating disorder for me. Aside from the culture and the pre-existing neurons that are twisted in whatever vengeful way. Sometimes I feel a pulling, a collapsing inside my chest. ( A therapist once read the words back to me from his notepad and implied me melodramatic).  It aches- My body, I mean. It lasts seconds or minutes or days. I want to inhale and inhale and inhale and cease. Very small, this is how it transfers into the tangible world. I want to be so small, so miniscule that the feeling must lessen or devour me easily. I don’t want anything. It feels like this lately, a lot. The electric shivers that start in my brain and trickle toward my feet- pins and needles under my flesh.  I want to be done feeling these and done feeling disconnected.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Friday, September 24, 2010


I arrived home yesterday. I am only two hours off. Something kept me awake until 4am this morning though. And today it is already 2am. I am careful to sleep well when I'm with James I suppose. In central time it is four am.

The rabbits zoomed through the apartment all yesterday and today. I've never seen such enthusiasm from them. Parsnip crawling up my arms, Beaumont all ear flops. They are finally exhausted and tucked away in their nooks.

I am in awe of my approaching future. Everything has continued to land delicately in to place. A new job, school funds, wedding planning, being able to continue living in Seattle. These things had me a little scared.

I find myself able to believe in God when things are good, when they are bad I cannot fathom an existence. Mostly I believe in Love and that is whatever it is.

I start school next week and I am hoping it will distract me enough from some unsavoury behaviours. eventually I will like myself most of the time, right? Because the idea that it's just supposed to be like this is too depressing. I hate, hate, hate that when expressing my self-image issues  the response is that it's just normal and no one feels good about themselves. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to believe that we just have to accept hating ourselves. there have to be ways out of it.
I know it doesn't matter much because things are so good and easing along. I try to set my sadnesses aside in order to not appear ungrateful. I am so grateful that my life is becoming something beautiful and rightly wanting. I wish I could balance these things though. I don't know how to be allowed depression when everything is so, so lovely. It doesn't make sense. I won't dwell on it any more than it needs though. Maybe it will just ease away as well.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

[New July/Currents]

Ninety degrees today. This is the begining of summer. And being in Love, and eating sweet foods, and sitting around with icey beers. James comes home for keeps tomorrow at midnight. The me time over the last four months has been difficult but good. It is important to know the strength of your own heart; we are always reminded. (we will sometimes make it, and sometimes not)
It feels that each new season is a new begining for me. It all rolls back to before- the person I sometimes dream about but don't recognise. The less bright version of me. That's all.
Anyway. Finding better pieces of myself all the time, stuck in corners and under blankets.


I have a bit of a cold.

Current Album

Current TV Series

Current Shame Inducing Guilty Pleasure
(watch instantly on Netflix)

Current Links

Current Drink

Current Fetish

Current Wish List

Current Song

Current Triumph

Current Indulgence

Current excitment

Current mood

Friday, June 25, 2010

 I have found every way to fill the spaces of time.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

[Just asterisms in the stars' set order]

I don't know what I'm doing with this blog. I think it has been clear that I have never set aside what its use was. I paper and pen journal constantly, streams of thoughts and documenting events. I have an [opendiarydotcom] that I've had for ten years, it is intimate and I bare myself there and I've created deep relationships with people I've never met. Their feedback is important and the way I write there is important.
This was, I think, supposed to be some sort of blending. Somewhere to anonymously share as well as write to myself. It's been confusing and lately it's made it difficult to write. I don't know if I have an audience. I don't know if I am my audience. I like writing, and I like feelings, and I like placing them onto blank screens and tossing them into the abyss that is the internet. I thought that would be enough.

I'm just not sure what to do with this. I feel like I should decide if I'm going to treat this more personally or recreationaly. My instinct is to be too honest and share too much, because I do that. I don't know. Maybe there is no purpose for this blog. Maybe having no purpose isn't even enough in this case.