[just keep swinging 'till you're over it]

just touching down again. Still kicking and such. still computerless, getting rid of my fancy internet phone because Lord, it is too much money. I have no money. But it's fall/winter in seattle and everything is so soggy and the leaves are all bright and they fall like snow when the wind bustles in. James picks out the best leaves for me and puts them in my hair and then touches my face with his hands, frames it almost, and kisses me. Daily. We eat a lot of warm home made food and sleep restfully, taking turns, in each others beds. We do not get sick. I barely get sad. my nose is always runny after being outside and when I am sad, it is okay and safe and I am never stupid. Everything is real and careful and good.
And I can't think of a more succinct way to tell you that I am simply happy.

(hopefully I will be back to reading/writing soon... and laptop is in my future)

[discoveries]

I've been meaning to write but my life is still in Transition and sometimes simple things become very complicated. Like real computers, with keyboards...

I want to first tell you something very important:
I Love my body. (!)
It is a good body, it has persevered, and I want to care for it. It only took me twenty three years to be able to say this with genuine feeling and honesty, knowing every extent of the phrase. I want to Love it more too and I will. Being away from Tyler, this fresh air surrounding me, it's a little dizzying but beautiful and I am finally allowed to feel however I want without someone important to me passively disagreeing. I feel very about this, very sure. It is a life altering revelation and I've sort of been discovering it over these last three weeks.

My apartment stuff is taking extraordinarily longer than expected. I'd better be in next week or I might cry. I am too excited and impatient for waiting any longer. I already bought new curtains and garbage cans for goodness sake. I'm ready!

Also, before I forget, Gaelyn and Trevor (her man), and Martha, and I all drove up to Anacortes and saw Bowerbirds and MegaFaun and by some wild fluke, only about 15 people came. It was a very intimate, beautiful show. They played together a lot and had everyone sing along. Afterward we all hung out and chatted and played some instruments and had a wonderful time. Magical in every single sense. It only could have been better if David Bazan were there.

[addendums]

oh. oh. oh. my fluttering insides. I am telling you, such silliness, such infatuation. Do you Love the world and it's ability to push you in every place in a matter of months? What is the date? July? I have felt nearly everything in eight months. No. I do not pretend to have felt even close to everything but definitely the most my small little life has ever considered feeling in such a short amount of time.

Here is this- blossoming in me. All the softness. all the brightness. all the possibilities. and it does not really matter at all where they are coming or going, simply that they are there and moving rapidly through me. So much that I cannot sleep in this million degree night.
It is a lot that I have been disappointed. It is a lot that I gave up a year ago, completely. I found it written in paper journals constantly "I give up, I give up. He does not love me at all and I am done." I was too whatever to move from that though. Kept believing him when he said he was reinvesting himself. whatever though. My heart was so dried and crisp.


And even though it is the loveliest it seems imperative to be very slow. But I'm not sure why. Can't I be whomever I want and if I want to enjoy this fast pace, this sweet awkward beginning, can't I do it however I want? It feels too wonderful and I think I might not trust that. Which I hate a little. Which is less cynicism and more my heart only still repairing. And that's okay. And this is okay. And it can all be okay and whatever it is and I should not over analyze. I should let it seep into me however it wants and love whatever it gets to be for however long it happens.

Because I am okay. And I can be everything. and I did not honestly think I could be these things or be through these things. But I have. and I still feel shiny. I still feel worthy and I still want to fill the niches in someone else and let them find all of mine. and I want to take however long I want

[the places i'm at are very warm right now]

Today I felt very sharp, like I could have the best reflexes and perhaps out run something very fast. But now that I am home, at my parents, I feel a little fuzzy and disconnected. I think there is this thing happening where my life inches forward in fluid quick movements but it isn't quite off the ground yet. I am still in Transition. which is fine but my equilibrium is all off whack. And I'd like to just be a grown up in my own place doing my own thing not tethered much to anything. It sounds so airy and free. Soon, I know. All the patience right now. All the patience.

[future excitements]

[I would rather the Sea]

Something of boats and
Love, the unforgiving
fullness of both. My limbs
always flailing and
needy.
I would crave the sand--
want it fresh against
my skin, coarse granules
renewing me. I could
need a ship, sturdy
to and fro-- my legs
strong and ready.

But the Sea,
having it turn and turn, my
body cold and used. The Sea
brings me everywhere, it lets
me hear the swoosh
of the fish and
the smack of the clam.

[messy]

I don't know. My heart hurts or my body hurts. Maybe it's both.
I worked seven 11 hour days. In the hospital. Only standing. Everyone is cranky and in a hurry. Or sick. Or crazy. or everything. No one cares down there. But that's it , Manager was on vacation and is back. Good money though and that's what counts, right? No more waking up at 5am and getting home at 7. Thank God.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad normally. Whenever normally happens. Still sobbing on the bus home. It's just that even though I am busy at work, my chest tightens and I suddenly remember us on new years and her passed out on the same couch as us. Or him over there mornings after work. And maybe if I hadn't been trying to be understanding, maybe if I hadn't wanted to let him have his space. Maybe it wouldn't have ended up so bad. It just makes me feel so gross. Her there on his birthday. me stupid, in the same room, not knowing. I try to keep these thoughts out of my head. But they're just there.

I feel so stupid lately. I thought the first few years were just hard. I thought we'd figure it out. That things would be good. I Loved him so much and wanted goodness so much. I thought it would be enough. Waiting for him to like me again... I don't know what I did to make things different. I was sad. I felt stuck in a city with nothing to do. I felt useless not working. But I think I tried. I feel like I have excuses for everything.

It's too much. It's not even that I don't have hope because I do. I believe I'll be in love with someone who will treat me so well, and we'll get married, and have beautiful babies, and kiss in public too much.
But right now I just can't even fathom the idea of ever even feeling okay enough to talk to boy. I feel so worthless. I feel stupid a lot. I hate having all these thoughts and feelings pushing everything around inside me. I hate that they come out all the time. I hate that I feel like if I don't say them my body will just ache until it stops working. I hate that I don't have a therapist. Or a confidant. I hate feeling so untethered. I just want to curl up all the time and be done. I can't believe in any feeling worse than this. It is so constant and it doesn't lessen at all. I thought it would. I thought maybe a month past everything would help. It does not.

and being angry. It hurts too. Randomly, walking to the grocery store or waiting for a bus or reading a book. I'll get so angry, so disgusted. It makes me want to find her and punch her in the face. It makes me want to say the worst things to him, to hit him too. I become so enraged. I'll quietly wish so hard that they'd just die in some horrible way. I've never felt like this before. It makes my limbs ache as well.

There's too much of everything right now. I want to thin it out. I want to wander to the ocean and roll in the sea. I want to swallow up sand and be done with air and breathing. Done with Love and hurt. All this betrayal, all this never being good enough, never having something good. The sea might remedy that. and if not, it couldn't be worse than this. all these wishes for horrible things on them, on me.
i am so sorry.