[more than it must]

I am so behind. But it doesn't matter; perspective or something:

Portland and birds and foreign friends. We drank, and laughed, and ate, and did all the perfect things one is supposed to do while away. Martha and I could have easily been happily gone for months. We are thinking that hostels are our new best friends and might make a trip to Canada before passports are required. Ideally Iceland would be next but with our complete lack of real money (we have a lot of fake money) we can only get so far.

This weekend was ten times more ridiculous than our Portland week but I'm too embarrassed to tell you why, even here.

I am thinking that I need to somehow learn to embrace crying in public. Shouldn't it be freeing, sharing all that with strangers? Sometimes I suppose.

Everything is all a mess though and I'm not afraid to tell you that most of whatever I've got is pretty shitty. Life and whatever. It's easier to be flippant about it because I'm really trying to not let any of it bother or hurt me any more than it must. Occasionally it feels so complicated but when I break it down (for a friend) it's so simple and infinitely more sad. Whatever- I am strong and the world won't end, even if everything else does.

[all around]

Joy! The weather forecasted for today was 74 (the lowest we've had in forever) but it is currently 3.30 in the afternoon and 59! I could not be happier with the gray, rain threatening sky. If we could get a little rain, oh, heaven. Tomorrow is supposed to be 76 but I'm so hoping it will turn out like today. Hope, hope, hope.

I found a medical assistant/receptionist job on craislist for a local, two physician clinic. They're just opening I guess and noted that they are willing to hire non-experienced for the right person. It sounds nice to me. I've really always loved medical things and just being near them. Plus I'm good at customer service, and organization, and all the other blah, blah, blah required. So, fingers crossed that no one with real experience applies. hah.

Today, I walked to the library. It's a bout 30 minutes each way. I had this Kafka book checked out for months. It's so late. I've received a total of 4 threatening letters and 2 less than charming phone calls. Plus they wanted to send me to collections for $54. I figured it was time to make the little trek and bring the book to its proper home. I'm a bad person; the poor library didn't know this when they sent me my library card. I'm sure there's some sort of warning that will pop up every time I borrow a book now. "THIEF!" or something of the sorts...
The used record store in the cool part of Auburn (see the one block of Main Street with the coffee shop, moped tattoo parlour and Frisbee golf store) closed. The block is infinitely less cool now. And I'm a little sad about it.

Today will consist of dishes, reading, and sewing together a bag for my trip. Maybe I will even talk Tyler into a kiss.

The sky has made me very hopeful.

[tipsy train riding]

I'm taking the train to Portland late on Sunday and staying in a hostel (below) for three nights.


There will be drinking (good beer, coffee, and tea). Book and antique buying. And food.
It's been almost a year since I've taken the train nearly every weekend. I miss it and am pretty excited for this two hour reunion. Do you think they'd notice if I drank my own wine? Train wine is awfully expensive but tipsy train riding is important to me. Also, train solitaire. Oh, I love cards.

[Former Doctors]

Several months ago I saw a commercial for Seattle Children's Hospital and during the commercial they showed my former ED IOP doctor, Cora Breuner. It was really exciting for some reason. I hadn't seen her in quite a while and even though it was just on tv, it made me happy. She was always such an amazing doctor. Definitely the very best ED doctor I have ever experienced. I remember being 13 and wishing so badly that she were also my psychiatrist.

I was just at the grocery store and while waiting in line I was eyeing the various fall magazines near the checkout lane. And right in front was Cora, on the cover of Seattle Metropolitan Magazine , with the headline of '100 top doctors.' Happiness again!
She was just so encouraging, kind, and understanding with me. I'm so happy that she has continually received the recognition that she deserves.

[happy eating]

When Tyler and I moved into our house one of the first things I wanted to do as a grown-up couple was receive my produce from an organic local farm. I'd always wanted to do this but it seemed silly until I was cooking for other people on a regular basis. It helps even more now that Martha is living with us as well. I looked into farm shares but many of them required me to drive to select locations on a regular basis. Me not driving, Auburn's few bus routes, and Tyler's dislike for driving or scheduled plans made me think that I wouldn't be able to have the local veggies I wanted. Then I realized that some farms delivered boxes to you! The selection of delivering farms is less living between king and pierce county but there are luckily a few. Thanks to this website I was able to research which farms would be best for us.

We buy a lot of veggies- the three of us eat essentially vegan (martha and Tyler love their cheese and I always bake with butter) and I have grown so tired of waxy, questionable, grocery store produce. In Edmond's we were able to frequent a produce stand just down the street but the nearest location to me now is far into Kent and has more plants than produce. Lately I have been the worst at procrastination (changing my last name, mailing thank-you notes that have been ready for the mailbox since November, finding a better job, etc) and have just finally now signed up for produce delivery. I know a lot of it had to do with me working somewhere steady and feeling okay about spending a little extra on quality produce. It's been as easy as going to a website and signing up. easy-peasy, lemon-sqeezey.

My box comes next week and contains the following:

3 Pink Lady Apples
1/3 lb. Salad Mix
1 bunch Carrots
1 1/2 lb. French Fingerling Potatoes
1 Head Garlic
4 Clementines
1/2 lb Green Beans
6 Fair Trade Bananas
1 Bunch Spinach
1 lb Broccoli
1 Delicata Squash
2 Roma Tomatoes
1 Red Onion
4 0z Crimini Mushrooms

and even more exciting
"Each box contains farm updates and helpful recipe ideas. Other items that might be included are: Rio Star Grapefruit, Endive, Swiss Chard, Cauliflower, Baby beets, Celery, Lemons, Basil, Bok Choy, Leeks, Garnet Yams, Dried Mangoes, Parsnips, Celery Root, Red Bartlett Pears and much more."
I might get some surprises!

[10.48pm]

All of the things that I used to be are tangled up in all of the things I am now. Some have been strangled out and others have only grown thicker. This has been a very difficult week. I keep telling myself that once fall is official everything will change. If my desire to asign supernatural powers to meaningless events actually worked, I would be an authentically happy person. Instead we pretend and let the rest of our time fall into bed with soggy pillows.

[Dizzy Lizzy]

After nearly a year of being married and quite a bit of contemplation and being so fickle, tomorrow I'm finally going to go get my name changed. I don't know if I'm more excited to have a new last name or a state ID. I don't drive so I've always just used my passport as my main form of ID for everything.

Very, very dizzy today and lately. Perhaps it is season changing which makes my vertigo so much more worse than usual. I always associate not drinking enough water with dizziness. I don't know where I came up with this, is it true? I drink a lot of what though. 1-2 liters a day. It feels like a good amount to me.
My stomach has been so upset lately, again. I don't know what I should be doing different to fix my insides.
With my name change comes a health insurance card that will match my new id. Which means finally dr's appointments. I feel like this is the second longest time in my life that I've gone without visiting the dr's. Nearly a year. Wild. Luckily within the last year I was able to still pay for/obtain perscriptions that I already had. And I've become almost a pro at treating my own YI's. Anyway. I'm excited to visit the doctor. I am not excited however to find a new doctor. I dread having to explain all my medical history and finding someone that I fit with. Sad faces all around.

[1.54pm]

Aside from the alarm/phone call incident my body has been waking me up promptly at 12. If one is needed (and more for just in case) I tend to set an alarm for 12.30, today it was actually 1.30 because I didn't fall asleep until 6. But my head has a pattern. At least a wake-up pattern, everything else feels sporadic.
I dreamt something about horses and riding to Puyallup. I woke and tried to peak my eyes through the slit in the curtain to determine the weather. My strained morning eyes could not see anything but light. Light. So I cried my morning cry. A little thing that happens and can go anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. Today happened to be a bit long. I tried to make myself go back to sleep but my nose was too filled with snot to let me breathe properly. And I had to rub my eyes. I love to rub my eyes. So I lied there and cried and cried and eventually walked around to try and calm myself. This only made things worse (hyperventilating) and I was trying not to wake Tyler. I buried myself back into bed and resigned myself to staying all day. But I have to work in a bit and eventually I got up to pee. Sometime after the pee my head quit buzzing and my mouth and nose dried up and I finally stopped crying. But I can already guess that today is going to be a crying day.
We can hope not but it is unlikely to turn out otherwise.