[i don't know, i don't know]

all this sadness softens me so, so much. I can barely lean into a couch without sobbing at it's coziness. and Tyler's toes, his hairy man feet, he brushes them against my calves and all I want is to roll over into him, so many times. He kisses me on my back when I am distracted and my front when I am not.
Martha and I have been smoking so much weed trying to cry less. and it works but we feel hollow when we think of how Ian won't ever smoke anymore. and it is silly but it still hurts.

Today was the funeral and I keep playing all these memories from the last eight years and it seems ridiculous and unreal. I do not even know. It seems worse because everything is shrouded in mystery. This terrible wonder. It does not make sense. We have been retelling the same stories from the last two months as if hearing them will somehow lead us to a tangible explanation.
It will not. This is just it. This feeling and complete loss of everything. We just won't know at all, ever. It doesn't matter how wrong it seems. We just keep huddling in living rooms and eventually I guess not knowing will suffice.

[and you made us just the same]

I just, I don't even know what to say about my faith anymore. I've been adjusting all these experiences and feelings and ideas accordingly over the last five or so years. And in the last two I'd say I was really struggling with everything I'd ever known. And these days, these days I feel like I am just more firmly moving toward agnosticism. And with recent events. and with my head in the places it's been. I don't know how I couldn't feel this way. but it's all sort of weird. big picture wise. I just, I don't understand a thing at all anymore.

[and the nautical, like all things, fades]

I have been bad at writing. I am back to paper and pen mostly. It makes me feel a little more concise and less like i have to over explain things. I just feel unsure about everything lately and it's difficult to have even a small audience I guess.
I went to the Dr yesterday and my pelvic ultrasound results were in. I don't have the no-baby condition that she thought I'd have but my right ovary is a little wonky. I already sort of knew this though since I only get my period every other month, plus my whole painful-dying-cyst -thing in 9th grade. But officially at this point in time, I'm pretty much good in terms of baby making (from the left one) and carrying to term. So good deal. Oh, one more funny thing about that. Tyler's right testicle is non-functioning from (I suddenly can't remember and want to say) a hernia he had in it as a child. Basically we are reproductive puzzle pieces. aaaaawww and eeeewww.

Emotionally things are about the same. Extreme anxiety and to put it simply, agoraphobia... I don't even know anymore. My dr. is putting me back on some other meds that had helped before so hopefully that will do something. We'll see. I'm sort of a mess but really don't want to be. we are trying really hard.

Tyler and i are all kisses and sweetness, despite me being ridiculous and high maintenance these days. also, i still want a dog. we'll see....