[and numbers and numbers and numbers]

I have been having the hardest time waking up lately. The house is quiet except for the heater and outside is gray and windless.

I weighed/measured myself today. Which is always stupid, I already know. My weight effects me less than you would think. The numbers always look so unfathomable that I'm just in some sort of disbelief. My measurements are what seem more tangible and cry-over worthy. On some side however, my waist has stayed exactly the same (huge) through the last twentyish pounds. So, that's... something? Everything else grows around it. I don't want to be writing about this but I'd really rather not be thinking about it. Sometimes I am convinced that if I stop writing or talking about it, it will all go away. It does not.

Unrelated, I hope. My period is still absent. What is this, seven months, eight? It feels weird. I mean, generally this sort of think lasts four or five months and then I get it for two and then four or five months nothing again.... I know there have been a few years where I did not get my period at all but I was so unhealthy than. I just, I feel like my body is fighting me on every step. I want to eat a few meals in one day and not feel completely nauseous. This is silly.

[tough]

Did I say that things are eerie? Because they are. I am different anxious lately. Like I am waiting for something bad to happen. It is not normally like this. It tends to be more general or separation related. Not this scary, dreading feeling.

I made a dr's appointment for next Tuesday. The receptionist asked me my reason for making the appointment and I told her that there were many things general-exam related, like I have a yeast infection and I want to address my depression/anxiety. She told me that they don't do pap smears in the same appt. as other things and then asked me which I thought was more important. I didn't know... it's silly. They both are. I asked if I could make two appt.'s for both right now and she said no. I set up the general exam because my yi isn't killing me, it's just annoying. I was flustered and didn't think to ask why I couldn't have both and now I want to know. The receptionist had me find this doctors web page and fill out my patient forms. Some of the questions are silly, one is exactly 'what do you do all day?' Martha told me that I should definitely write something about petting the cats. I didn't but I did list baking and reading. I guess I'm bad at these sorts of things. I like doctors and everything but finding a new one is embarrassing and anxiety inducing. What if she thinks I'm stupid or dramatic or lying? Sometimes they are like that. I am easily discouraged in these settings. I always want authority to like me. I am barely ever like this with my peers. And now I feel so silly for feeling silly. It would be easier to stay home but I won't. I am too sad for that.


work is slow and our economy is shit. My work is cutting hours and Tyler and I are thinking I might have to find a new job until things pick up. They are laying off people at is work as well but he is in no risk of that. It's just frustrating mostly.

Our weekend was nice. Tyler and I stayed up all night (1-9am) watching Heroes on Friday. We slept forever on Saturday and had my family over Sunday. The family was not stressful even a little and my pies came out perfectly. We played apples to apples and Tyler and I drank a lot of wine with my parents. We all sat in the middle of the living room on the brown shag throw rug and laughed. It was lovely but a little exhausting. Thanksgiving is soon and that, I can guarantee, will be stressful. Until then.

right now I am all melty from work and smelling like stale coffee. It must be bed time

[messaging]

I just got home from an extra long night at work.
Tyler texted me earlier before I left for work to let me know that he was at the bar and I texted him back telling him he was 'wiiiiiiiild', for being at the bar for so long. And without missing a beat he texted me back 'yeah, I carried the watermelons.'
Such is my love!

[because I do and I don't]

I'm not here but I promise I am other places. and I think for now at least, that is good,

[yes!]

for all sorts of everything. I think almost everything I voted on went the way I wanted.

I'm so excited. I need to find a beer and celebrate with these cats!