Tuesday, November 30, 2010

[i know]

I know why there is an eating disorder for me. Aside from the culture and the pre-existing neurons that are twisted in whatever vengeful way. Sometimes I feel a pulling, a collapsing inside my chest. ( A therapist once read the words back to me from his notepad and implied me melodramatic).  It aches- My body, I mean. It lasts seconds or minutes or days. I want to inhale and inhale and inhale and cease. Very small, this is how it transfers into the tangible world. I want to be so small, so miniscule that the feeling must lessen or devour me easily. I don’t want anything. It feels like this lately, a lot. The electric shivers that start in my brain and trickle toward my feet- pins and needles under my flesh.  I want to be done feeling these and done feeling disconnected.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

[shoofly]


Friday, September 24, 2010

[hiatus]

I arrived home yesterday. I am only two hours off. Something kept me awake until 4am this morning though. And today it is already 2am. I am careful to sleep well when I'm with James I suppose. In central time it is four am.
anyway.

The rabbits zoomed through the apartment all yesterday and today. I've never seen such enthusiasm from them. Parsnip crawling up my arms, Beaumont all ear flops. They are finally exhausted and tucked away in their nooks.


I am in awe of my approaching future. Everything has continued to land delicately in to place. A new job, school funds, wedding planning, being able to continue living in Seattle. These things had me a little scared.

I find myself able to believe in God when things are good, when they are bad I cannot fathom an existence. Mostly I believe in Love and that is whatever it is.


I start school next week and I am hoping it will distract me enough from some unsavoury behaviours. eventually I will like myself most of the time, right? Because the idea that it's just supposed to be like this is too depressing. I hate, hate, hate that when expressing my self-image issues  the response is that it's just normal and no one feels good about themselves. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to believe that we just have to accept hating ourselves. there have to be ways out of it.
I know it doesn't matter much because things are so good and easing along. I try to set my sadnesses aside in order to not appear ungrateful. I am so grateful that my life is becoming something beautiful and rightly wanting. I wish I could balance these things though. I don't know how to be allowed depression when everything is so, so lovely. It doesn't make sense. I won't dwell on it any more than it needs though. Maybe it will just ease away as well.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

[New July/Currents]

Ninety degrees today. This is the begining of summer. And being in Love, and eating sweet foods, and sitting around with icey beers. James comes home for keeps tomorrow at midnight. The me time over the last four months has been difficult but good. It is important to know the strength of your own heart; we are always reminded. (we will sometimes make it, and sometimes not)
It feels that each new season is a new begining for me. It all rolls back to before- the person I sometimes dream about but don't recognise. The less bright version of me. That's all.
Anyway. Finding better pieces of myself all the time, stuck in corners and under blankets.

Currently 

I have a bit of a cold.

Current Album

Current TV Series

Current Shame Inducing Guilty Pleasure
(watch instantly on Netflix)

Current Links
1
2
3

Current Drink

Current Fetish

Current Wish List




Current Song

Current Triumph

Current Indulgence

Current excitment
(((wedding!!!)))

Current mood

Friday, June 25, 2010

 I have found every way to fill the spaces of time.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

[Just asterisms in the stars' set order]

I don't know what I'm doing with this blog. I think it has been clear that I have never set aside what its use was. I paper and pen journal constantly, streams of thoughts and documenting events. I have an [opendiarydotcom] that I've had for ten years, it is intimate and I bare myself there and I've created deep relationships with people I've never met. Their feedback is important and the way I write there is important.
This was, I think, supposed to be some sort of blending. Somewhere to anonymously share as well as write to myself. It's been confusing and lately it's made it difficult to write. I don't know if I have an audience. I don't know if I am my audience. I like writing, and I like feelings, and I like placing them onto blank screens and tossing them into the abyss that is the internet. I thought that would be enough.

I'm just not sure what to do with this. I feel like I should decide if I'm going to treat this more personally or recreationaly. My instinct is to be too honest and share too much, because I do that. I don't know. Maybe there is no purpose for this blog. Maybe having no purpose isn't even enough in this case.

Friday, June 11, 2010

[I live in your tall trees, amongst your fearless leaves]

I returned home early Tuesday morning from New England. James spoiled me like a princess. I can't recall being spoiled so. We went to The Duck and Bunny one night and adventured to Newport for (my first) high tea another.
(The Duck and Bunny)
(High Tea, and why I'm in Love)

James returns for one week tomorrow night. We already have a couples massage in Walingford planned, along with tasty dinners and regular drinks at the Virginia Inn.
He is thrilled to be home and to love on the animals.


It feels like if we are lucky summer will be just around the corner. I cannot wait for picnics in parks and wading to my ankles in the ocean. And being a little sunburnt while kissing everywhere.

Monday, May 31, 2010

[baker street]

+ Three days until things level out. I have to fly for nine hours first but it is all worth it, even if I do always throw up.
+ I waxed my legs today and gave myself a brazilian. Re-dyed my red hair. painted nails. elizabeth maintenance- check.
+ I've been eating Caesar salad for the last six days. I am not tired of it yet. It is also calming my food anxieties while still being enough food.
+ I'm in love with peach iced tea.
+ I bought a cheap camera for $20 off ebay and with boredom am taking a photo every day.
+ Also boredom.
+  watching old episodes of Sherlock Holmes and colouring pages in James' sketch book.
+ drinking white hungarian wine
+ panic attacks. they are lengthy but don't manage to rise to the level I hate. I have decided to be less embarrassed and have been calling James each time. it helps to have him root me back in reality.
+ trying to find a new perfume. two scents per month. 3rd month. some success.
+ my brain isn't connecting itself to the pieces that make things easy. my words have been muddled and wrong when out of my mouth. it's easier to nibble my nails.
+ no nails left.
+ maybe I'll upload painting photos for you because I can and that will be better than lists of the wrong words,

Friday, May 28, 2010

[blah blah]

My brain feels like it has flattened itself against the sides of my skull. I could scarcely be more uninspired and unsatisfied. Dear job, you suck- I am over you. The past four days have averaged 35 transactions in a ten hour period. I work eight of those hours. I am maybe seeing 20 customers a day and half of those people order drip. I am so bored. I finished my books. I have done everything on the internet. I am so tired from doing nothing all day that by the time I get home I just want to lay in my bed and listen to Harry Potter read to me by Stephen Frye or catch up on radio lab/this american life.

I finally did laundry and dishes yesterday. It was too exhausting. I wanted to go for a quick jog but the idea of leaving the apartment was too daunting, especially by 8pm. Tthe rain has been crazy and constant. I like the soggyness but I'm sort of ready for summer. I hate that eight boring hours take all the energy out of me. I do as many crosswords as possible and play facebook scrabble with friends. It helps me not get drowsy in the middle of the day.

Leaving for Rhode Island on Wednesday night. We're going to spend a day in Newport. Many adventures planned. I hope July comes soon so I can fill my free time with James and all his loveliness and our activities. New York at the end of July, camping, road trip, and many small exciting things. Just a few more months.

Listening to funk and drinking peach iced tea. If I didn't have to work from 7-5 tomorrow it could be a care-free Friday.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

[ovulating and such]

My script for my birth control ran out earlier this month. I've been taking Microgestin FE 1/20 for about a year. Before that Lo-Ovral, Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo, Yasmin, and probably a couple other 'Lo' brands.
I began taking birth control when I was 18. I don't remember the brand but I do know I was terrified of gaining weight. Instead I lost ten pounds and spent the two months I was taking it spotting and feeling more emotional than usual. I was also terrifyingly bloated. Thus began the merry-go-round of birth control pills.

At some point in the last five years I came to terms with never having a BC pill that didn't give me some undesirable side effect. I'd already learned this was the case with psych meds but something about birth control being so essential to every woman's life made these side effects feel completely unfair.

With the expired script I took the opportunity to confer with friends and the internet for a better pill. Sure enough everyone has horror stories with one brand or another. Most of my girlfriends have settled for pills that are mildly inconvenient. Brands that didn't give them cysts or months of bleeding this time around. WebMD shows a similar story. With easily over 30 brands reviewed, you'd be hard pressed to find anything at all rated over 3 stars, most barely garnering 2. I spent hours pouring over these reviews and was left pretty discouraged. If I'm lucky I won't get an ovarian cyst but if I don't, I'll go crazy or gain 50lbs or stop finding men attractive because of their smell.

Because there's no winning I've decided to just take what a friend is taking and hope it's better than the Microgestin I was previously on. But we'll see, I'm not going to hold my breath. Besides, there's always the future of the male pill. Here's to that.

Monday, May 24, 2010

[sometimes I feel like a Cathy comic- ack]


Saturday was mostly good. I woke up at noon and made breakfast to go with a french press of Stumptown. I spent a better part of the day putting together a jigsaw puzzle of a wolf and watching internet-tv. Around five I noticed how blustery it was outside and decided to go for a run through downtown. Everything was light and easy. I love how running without headphones in the rain feels like it could be something very important.

I jogged by bed bath & beyond and remembered I needed to pick a few small things up. As I wandered through cosmetics and every exciting little product I could ever want, I happened to walk right through the scale isle.

I threw my scale away 4 months ago. The scale I bought when I was 13. The only scale I fully trusted through the worst of my eating disorder. Since moving into my own place I'd weighed myself maybe a handful of times. I felt like ditching my scale was huge but finally, also easy. I had not weighed myself since. I have seen scales in others' bathrooms, random stores, I have been so good at knowing a trigger and walking away.

Yesterday out of curiosity or weakness, I pulled down the most expensive scale, breathed in, told myself it was evening and I was fully clothed, then looked down.
I don't know what number it could have been that would have made me feel okay. If my head is in that space, every combination of numbers is wrong.
I meekly bought cotton balls and a shower curtain while trying not to cry. How can everything I've learned be completely forgotten from one action? I walked outside and it was pouring but I couldn't go home because I was fat and fat was the end-all. The berating started the was it always had before, my head knew all the paths to wind through and the solutions to draw. Everything is worthless and doomed because I am fat. I should lose xx pounds and stop allowing myself to do anything until then. and then I should lose 10 more pounds for good measure. I started calculating meal plans and exercises for the following month.

Before I knew it was in the middle of a closed Pike Place Market, crying, and soaked from the rain.
No, no, no I thought. I got a grip. Three years of recovery would not be easily thrown out the window. I am not my old self. I get to enjoy life now. I am in an honest, genuine relationship where I share myself fully.

I got a hot chocolate and walked home in the thunderstorm. I reminded myself that I was just fine and would be the next time I felt a pull in a backwards direction.

Monday, May 17, 2010

[Currents in May]

Currently:
  
considering dinner

Current Album:

Current TV Series:

Current shame inducing guilty pleasure:
hours a day, every day.

Current Links:
www. tvduck.com


Current Drink:


Current Fetish:


Current Wish List:
No more!
so I can have James back

Current Song:

Current Triumph:


Current Scent:
Current Excitement:


Current Mood:

 

Friday, May 14, 2010

[brightness]

did you know that everything is going to be so beautiful and okay? sometimes I get swirlled up in the depression and manic meloncholly and I forget that I am no longer at where I was. That life is already beautiful and perfectly scented. I am so in love and this love is like honey and I'm going to be in school and eventually I'll have a career and enough money to not be stretched too thin. And there are so many wonderful adventures in front of me and I have a lifetime of goodness and interesting things in front of me.

James and I had this great conversation last night when I called pre-panic attack and he reminded me about everything being so in place right now and we could count our real worries on one hand. And most of those worries were long term, far away things.

breathe, breathe, breathe. everything is lovely and good.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

[satiety]

I have been sending one million resumes and personalized cover letters to one million employers. I have also met with the school advisor and planned my fall schedule. It is simple and includes just math, english, and yoga but I am excited, and scared, and a little worried but mostly excited! I am worried about being able to work enough without stressing myself out too much. We will see when we get there. I am wishing for a secret relative who reveal themselves to be rich and really wants to see me get through school and supplement my income! Oh, dreams...
James has already promised to help me with homework and projects and any schooly-problems I might have. Him being a professional school-goer these past 30 years. I am nervous for math even though it is the lowest they offer (!). I haven't taken a real math class since I was in 8th grade, thank you Washington school district (and Integrated Math). hah.

It is nearly the weekend again and this one will be full. My sweet sister has her BFA show tomorrow night and then she graduates on Saturday. Very exciting stuff all around. Also a birthday party and hopefully a picnic.

I have been cooking more these last few weeks. I am hungry all the time. Ravenous. I am not sure about it. It's scary and feels various degrees of wrong. My quieter parts had been toying with the idea of diets and exercises for summer and skimpy clothes. My louder parts were worried, and mostly I hadn't changed any of my food routines yet. But this whole week! I could eat a steak the size of the ocean! I tend to think that my body knew I was meditating on less calories and just the knowledge made is insatiable. But I also tend to think of my body as always trying to spite me and maybe I should break out of that thought pattern.
Last night, I became depressed and then really angry with myself for still starving after a big dinner (again), I went to bed early and hoped I wouldn't be hungry in the morning. Of course I woke up wanting to eat out my fridge. I skipped breakfast thinking I could scold my body. Just coffee and a sandwich once lunch time. You'd think I would learn! you would think!

Okay, okay. No skipping meals. I know it. I do. I don't know why I am craving everything in mass quantities. It might be James' absence and my subsequent loneliness. It might be medication dose changes. It might be just a regular, silly body thing that I fail to understand. I have spent the afternoon brainstorming solutions. Bigger breakfasts, better snacks, more attention to fibers and proteins in every meal. Continue drinking silly amounts of liquids (sooo much peeing!).
Hopefully this plan of action will work. It's hard to be hungry all the time, it makes my head worry for the past eating disordered me and the remnants in the future.

Monday, April 26, 2010

[on a monday]

Flying off in three days time. I downloaded all 7 Audio Harry Potter's for the plane ride. I haven't flown in six years and I've never even been to the East coast. (Excitemnet!) James has most of our meals already figured out. The important things you know: Italian, french, sea food, pizza, chowder, breakfasts. We will both be well fed by Monday. There's a really good chance we're going to drive up to Maine and spend the night. Maine! I have always (always) wanted to go.
Mostly I can't wait to see James, I don't really care too much about any of the adventures. Four months is entirely too long.

The bunnies have been crazy the last couple days. They are speed hopping from all corners, jumping off of whatever gets in their way. Last night while I was trying to sleep they were pushing everything off the end table next to my bed, chasing the cats from the window sill, somehow finding my paints (!), and eating the last couple couple skittles in a bag. They also peed in my left slipper, again... I am beginning to think that the bathroom should be their home during the night. In the morning they were so excited that I was awake and played their bunnie games by rubbing their chins/noses on my ankles, flying across the room, and then back to my ankles. I would try to pet their bunnie-bottoms but they are so fast! Beaumont's sneezing is nearly gone but I'm worried because he just finished his antibiotics with a sneeze average of one every two days.

I'm in the thick of SSRI withdrawal. Ick x 10 you know. Nothing as bad as NRI's but still... I have two pills left that I've been carving slivers from every day. Every time I go on something new I am so hopeful that they will work it rarely enters my mind the time and torture it takes to come off them later. I would at least be tapering off more carefully if my former dr would give me one more script but since I haven't seen her in a year she won't unless I make an appointment. Between no health insurance and her office being too far away for me now, it can't happen.
I am doomed to brain-shakes, nausea, dizziness, and extra stomach problems for who knows how long. In happier news I'm applying for health insurance. My employer is willing to pay half and James volunteered to help me out when I need it for prescriptions and such... it would be nice to be steady again.

three days! and soft crazy bunnies when I get home.

Friday, April 23, 2010

[The Sea]

Over the last few weeks I've been turning over the idea of genuine connectivity. I am aware that I've been over using the word 'connected' in reference to James and myself. It fits though and it will probably continue as one of my favourite adjectives for us.

When things were clearly at the point of being very very broken in my marriage, I was sort of seeing a therapist. She was big on taking home books, packets, and various audio recordings.
I listened to audio sessions on mood disorders, eating disorders, and perfectionism. They were all relatively basic and filled with information you know if you've experienced any of those. The one cd that I did like though, was on relationships and the way we connect to one another. Some of it was simple like the previous cd's but listening for two hours about the importance of finding effective, constant ways to connect to your partner really bore into me. It made me more aware of the gaps in my relationship.

I knew things were horrible but I knew with near certainty that they were irretrievably broken when I took the time to address our complete lack of connectedness. For years, we had nearly matched up when things were great but even then never quite. and when things were bad. It was like we were on different planets. of course it was my job to fill the holes and make concessions and be the 'unreasonable' one but that's not what I want to talk about right now.

It has become so apparent to me. I have been racking my brain to find memories where we were ever genuinely connected. I want to find the times when I felt that the relationship was so beautiful. When I wasn't talking myself into it being good or allowing awful things because I thought I had unrealistic expectations.

I can't.
I'm embarrassed and sad for myself.

The other day one of my long time friends referred to Tyler always being sleazy and things always being bad.
There had to have been great moments, right? not just a string of mediocre events... right?

When I was 16. When we rode the ferries, and floated in lakes, and kissed on thrift store couches. Those were sweet memories. They count as much as they can. I was connected to Tyler as much I could be to someone of the opposite sex at that time. But after 18, was there ever anything? I can barely read paper and pen diary entries without feeling so ashamed of my then-self for allowing so much. We wanted to connect (I think). We pretended that what we had was right enough. That's the best you can do? But we got married and everything was very wrong and it was obvious the entire time. It was painful how much it did not work. How much I tried and how much Tyler treated me with no respect. How disgusting it all ended up.

It's been rolling around my insides for weeks because I continue using 'connected' to describe my life with James. It is glaringly obvious now. It would have been without James but it's easier to see with him.

I am constantly amazed at how I allowed myself to believe that I could not be treated as well as I really wanted. That in relationships someone is always abused. That it was okay that he thought I was ugly and too much. And stupid and loud....

I am tangenting, I know.

I feel connected now in a way I did not know (believe) would happen for me. I've accepted that most of what I had with Tyler was not genuine or healthy or mature.

That's all. It is good now though, all of it.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

[to do]

I have not been on top of things. Or, I have only been on top of some things. My 'to do' list grows every time I get a chance to cross something off.
I am having the most difficult time mustering any energy. It is all talking myself into action.
The bunnies have been really good the last week and even though they keep escaping their cage at night or while I'm at work, they aren't destroying anything. They help. When I get home from work I lay on the ground and wiggle my nose and let them hop on me and sometimes Beaumont gives my ankle a little nibble. I don't know why. It makes me feel better. If they keep up their good behavior I may let them be free range bunnies. Well, as free range as my studio allows. This morning when Parsnip saw that I was awake she binkied just a little (<3)

The dishes desperately need to be done. There are maybe seven in the sink and no matter how much I tell myself now that I'll do them tonight, I do not. And taking a shower. I need to do that. I get so anxious just thinking about it. I don't understand my anxiety toward showers. Once I am in I am fine but getting there feels impossible.

Eight days until I fly to Rhode Island. I know that a lot of my anxiety and mood swings of late are due to the sudden absence of James. It isn't just that I miss him and grew so accustomed to his company. It's also that he and I move through our lives in unbelievable harmony. For the last nine months my life has been safe, stable, and beautiful. It is still safe and beautiful but for whatever reason, by myself, I tend toward erratic behaviors and seem unable to stick to even bare habits/orders in my day. With James it is easy to have a loose schedule for the week, flexible within parameters that keep both of us sane. The last three weeks have been me eating/not eating at weird hours, sleeping badly, hiding at home more than usual, and feeling in a general funk. He balances me out. I know it. I just need to find a better way to manage for the next four months.

I might just do a lot of venting and re-ordering of thoughts here for a while. Is that normally what this is anyway?
I have a headache and I am very glad it is nearly friday.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

[four months]

I am feeling a little down today. I wish I was an airy floaty thing but my body is heavily refusing.
James called me this morning to let me know that he'll be in Rhode Island for roughly four months. He is good at his job and everything is flooded and it's important.
I want us to pour through summer together, touching everything. Sometime in August breaks my heart a little. It's because we are so good together. Because he is beautiful and kind and giving and more than I could have imagined on my greediest day. I Love him too much, of course he has to be all the way across the country. And September is hurricane season, he'll have to be somewhere for that too I am sure.
Our phone calls are good and whole. Better than I would have thought. Everything is easy with him.

Apparently Tyler married Gloria last weekend. That's uh, whatever it is. weird and sad or something.

I feel weird and sad about everything lately. Why can I suddenly not quite pull myself together?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

[invention]

what I expected and spent and small amount of time worrying and crying over, was the past. Silly how our flesh remembers the indents and stress of everything before. When Tyler would leave,even just for work (12+hours), I would become frantic, desperate even. My head would spin and sometimes my stomach would knot itself in so much that I would vomit. Everything would be flashing and loud and sharp and I could not remedy myself no matter what.
I felt intensely lonely all the time.

James has been gone for two days and things are fine, or okay, or boring. But I am good. I do not feel on the verge of breaking each piece of me. I do not feel alone or scared at all. I miss him and I wish we could be doing everything and saying more but.
Yesterday we spoke on the phone 4 or 5 times. We are actually good on the phone. He is excited about what he is doing and misses me and I am excited for him and am so glad to be able to squash his worries or insecurities about anything stressful in his job. He is so good at finding all the silly small things I talk about interesting, even across the country.

I imagine a healthy relationship allows me to feel safe all the time, no matter what. I know what is going on, I know where I stand and how we feel. It is good to feel secure. I believe these feelings will carry me and us through the month or so of his trip.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

[balance]

my insides are becoming a bit more complicated lately. just in the sense that they are not able to find a happy medium. a good balance. oh, that's all I really want.
I am finding it easier to be awake when I am not taking so much of the seroquel but the in between is a bit more difficult. it's too obvious. plus all the samples are running running out and I am not sure what to do. I can't afford this stuff. maybe there's something else that will chill me out and be cheap. Like copious amounts of drugs? joke. probably expensive anyway...

summer time almost and most of me is having a hard time mustering up enthusiasm. for anything. I feel floaty and disconnected. everything is flat lately. even my face is muted. I keep putting on more shimmyer highlighter but it still looks so gray. the face i mean. this body is also muted though. sunshine in a bottle though, working maybe? and my hair is muddy or something. It's hard to see the brights all around when looking at myself evokes feelings of blah. I am trying though, or trying to try. quitting several things lately. maybe that will help. maybe it won't.
bunnies meeting kitties this weekend.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

[bunnies boobs and trips]

The bunnies are doing very well. Soft and playful. They are getting better and better about their litter box too. As long as I continue to be diligent with picking up stray poops and putting them in the box. I have to buy some bigger boxes for the living room because when they can't lounge in them they end up peeing on the floor. ack. Last night I played fetch with Parsnip for half an hour. She really likes my bras (the silky ones) and will run all the way down the hall with one in her mouth, it's like ten times her size- so, cute. James and his cats will be moving in this weekend or next. I am excited to see the animals getting along. I am really really hoping that they will get in the habit of laying in a big soft pile on the end of my bed. and then, then I'll get an italian greyhound and he'll join the soft things pile, and then a chicken and it'll get in there too. oh man. It'll be sort of like my bowerbirds shirt but not. Although them laying on my head would be cute too!
(shirt:
)

Speaking of bras. None of mine fit. again. pft! I measured the important parts and according to the wise internet bra measuring gods I am a J or like a Dx6 or some other too ridiculous size. What is a girl to do? Nordstrom this weekend probably. But just one or two bras will be bought. I'll be a G in a couple months and then something inbetween for a month and then back again after that. Silly breasts don't have a clue what they are doing. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't have to keep spending so much money on such things.

With James moving in and us splitting my rent ($282 each!) we'll be saving bundles. In honour of it and uh, just because, we've decided to take a trip to New York in July (21-27). We found some steals with tickets and because James used to live there he has a bunch of friends that want to put us up! I've never been to New York or a major US city for that matter and am way excited. James is going to urban planner/ history it up for me probably and I'll know everything by the time I leave. Fun. Also, Sara and anyone else living around should catch a drink with us.

This weekend is going to be beautiful again (upper 60's, sunny) and we're going to the Seattle Cask Festival. Silly drunkenness i'm sure. Breakfast on Sunday with my oldest brother. And wedding fabric shopping with my sister and mom... loveliness

If I figure out some sort of camera thing I'll show you one million photos of my sweet bunns.

Friday, March 12, 2010

[dull]



This month has been a little strange. My head and body are confused, or something. Life continues to progress beautifully but I've started feeling anxious and depressed on a regular basis again. Not terrible but it feels like the beginnings of so many other times. When I'm alone my panic attacks are so unmanageable. My evenings are getting harder too. By the time I get home from work I'm sobbing and trying to put myself together before James and I enjoy our night. It doesn't always happen and he's perfect but I'm frustrated at dampening things. Falling asleep is probably the worst. Why is it always the worst? And for about a week now I've been crying right after I wake up. Fuck. I do not want to start this again. As soon as I get to the point where I can't make it out the door in a timely fashion...


It feels like my meds are suddenly failing. I wish I had health insurance. Going to a free clinic is so frustrating and often useless... I'm not sure.


My life, objectively, is completely beautiful. I wish my head wouldn't muddle things so much.
I just hate feeling this insecure and this depressed. It's so hard to do all the things I Love to do. I don't know. I'm going to have to figure this out because I refuse to let it suffocate me.




see beautiful life:














Beaumont Wilshire and Parsnip

Sunday, March 7, 2010

[bunnies bunnies bunnies]


James and I are now the proud parents of two sweet-soft mini rex's!

Meet Beaumont Wilshire and Parsnip! oooh the photos that will be forced upon you in volumes...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

[currents: March]

Currently:



feeling it all



Current Album:





Current Film:





Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure:



the internet, so much.



Current Links:

http://fatshionable.tumblr.com/

http://blog.musingsofafatshionista.com/

http://www.youngfatandfabulous.com/

http://www.leblogdebigbeauty.com/

http://dollface-is-candysweet.blogspot.com/

http://adipositivity.my-expressions.com/index.html



Current Drink:







&



fresh juices and wheatgrass!



Current fetish:





Current wish list
:

http://seattle.craigslist.org/est/grd/1625344893.html

and





Current Song:



Always Bowerbirds, all day every day.



Current Triumph:



Genuinely being genuinely full of Joy



Current celebrity crush:



Did I say that the show in the living room was perfect (as always) and changed my life again. and I love talking to him.



Current indulgence:





Current excitement:



all things james



Current Mood:



all over the place.