[addendums]

oh. oh. oh. my fluttering insides. I am telling you, such silliness, such infatuation. Do you Love the world and it's ability to push you in every place in a matter of months? What is the date? July? I have felt nearly everything in eight months. No. I do not pretend to have felt even close to everything but definitely the most my small little life has ever considered feeling in such a short amount of time.

Here is this- blossoming in me. All the softness. all the brightness. all the possibilities. and it does not really matter at all where they are coming or going, simply that they are there and moving rapidly through me. So much that I cannot sleep in this million degree night.
It is a lot that I have been disappointed. It is a lot that I gave up a year ago, completely. I found it written in paper journals constantly "I give up, I give up. He does not love me at all and I am done." I was too whatever to move from that though. Kept believing him when he said he was reinvesting himself. whatever though. My heart was so dried and crisp.


And even though it is the loveliest it seems imperative to be very slow. But I'm not sure why. Can't I be whomever I want and if I want to enjoy this fast pace, this sweet awkward beginning, can't I do it however I want? It feels too wonderful and I think I might not trust that. Which I hate a little. Which is less cynicism and more my heart only still repairing. And that's okay. And this is okay. And it can all be okay and whatever it is and I should not over analyze. I should let it seep into me however it wants and love whatever it gets to be for however long it happens.

Because I am okay. And I can be everything. and I did not honestly think I could be these things or be through these things. But I have. and I still feel shiny. I still feel worthy and I still want to fill the niches in someone else and let them find all of mine. and I want to take however long I want

[the places i'm at are very warm right now]

Today I felt very sharp, like I could have the best reflexes and perhaps out run something very fast. But now that I am home, at my parents, I feel a little fuzzy and disconnected. I think there is this thing happening where my life inches forward in fluid quick movements but it isn't quite off the ground yet. I am still in Transition. which is fine but my equilibrium is all off whack. And I'd like to just be a grown up in my own place doing my own thing not tethered much to anything. It sounds so airy and free. Soon, I know. All the patience right now. All the patience.

[future excitements]

[I would rather the Sea]

Something of boats and
Love, the unforgiving
fullness of both. My limbs
always flailing and
needy.
I would crave the sand--
want it fresh against
my skin, coarse granules
renewing me. I could
need a ship, sturdy
to and fro-- my legs
strong and ready.

But the Sea,
having it turn and turn, my
body cold and used. The Sea
brings me everywhere, it lets
me hear the swoosh
of the fish and
the smack of the clam.

[messy]

I don't know. My heart hurts or my body hurts. Maybe it's both.
I worked seven 11 hour days. In the hospital. Only standing. Everyone is cranky and in a hurry. Or sick. Or crazy. or everything. No one cares down there. But that's it , Manager was on vacation and is back. Good money though and that's what counts, right? No more waking up at 5am and getting home at 7. Thank God.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad normally. Whenever normally happens. Still sobbing on the bus home. It's just that even though I am busy at work, my chest tightens and I suddenly remember us on new years and her passed out on the same couch as us. Or him over there mornings after work. And maybe if I hadn't been trying to be understanding, maybe if I hadn't wanted to let him have his space. Maybe it wouldn't have ended up so bad. It just makes me feel so gross. Her there on his birthday. me stupid, in the same room, not knowing. I try to keep these thoughts out of my head. But they're just there.

I feel so stupid lately. I thought the first few years were just hard. I thought we'd figure it out. That things would be good. I Loved him so much and wanted goodness so much. I thought it would be enough. Waiting for him to like me again... I don't know what I did to make things different. I was sad. I felt stuck in a city with nothing to do. I felt useless not working. But I think I tried. I feel like I have excuses for everything.

It's too much. It's not even that I don't have hope because I do. I believe I'll be in love with someone who will treat me so well, and we'll get married, and have beautiful babies, and kiss in public too much.
But right now I just can't even fathom the idea of ever even feeling okay enough to talk to boy. I feel so worthless. I feel stupid a lot. I hate having all these thoughts and feelings pushing everything around inside me. I hate that they come out all the time. I hate that I feel like if I don't say them my body will just ache until it stops working. I hate that I don't have a therapist. Or a confidant. I hate feeling so untethered. I just want to curl up all the time and be done. I can't believe in any feeling worse than this. It is so constant and it doesn't lessen at all. I thought it would. I thought maybe a month past everything would help. It does not.

and being angry. It hurts too. Randomly, walking to the grocery store or waiting for a bus or reading a book. I'll get so angry, so disgusted. It makes me want to find her and punch her in the face. It makes me want to say the worst things to him, to hit him too. I become so enraged. I'll quietly wish so hard that they'd just die in some horrible way. I've never felt like this before. It makes my limbs ache as well.

There's too much of everything right now. I want to thin it out. I want to wander to the ocean and roll in the sea. I want to swallow up sand and be done with air and breathing. Done with Love and hurt. All this betrayal, all this never being good enough, never having something good. The sea might remedy that. and if not, it couldn't be worse than this. all these wishes for horrible things on them, on me.
i am so sorry.

[abbreviated details]

Trying to post off my phone does not allow me more than a few hundred characters. So now a computer, now a full post with depressing details. But bullet points because letting myself rest on any one of these for more than a moment or two is entirely too much:

+I only dream about them. Sometimes it his him leaving me again and again. sometimes it is him explaining my numerable faults. sometimes it is her being herself and me helpless. It tarnishes my days. I cannot get away from it. They are so vivid. I want a no-dream potion.

+He is with her now or still or what have you. And they are 'in love' and he is 'the happiest he's ever been' now that he's with her.

+I still have not seen him even for a second since he left me. He refuses and I am tired.

+He cleared out our bank account and despite making close to $3,000 a month, claims he can't help me at all financially because he just doesn't have any money.

+ The few times we have spoken on the phone it has become clear that he could care less about anything having to do with me. He has been hurtful each time, not the tiniest bit empathetic or apologetic. It has been as if I did something horrible and wrong.

+I am moved back in to my parents house. In my sisters old room. with my bunny and all my stuff.

+I am bussing between downtown for work and their house on weekdays.

+I love my work

+I am so emotionally exhausted that I've sort of turned into a terrible friend. I simply cannot muster up any real empathy for anyone right now.

+I spend most of my time at work colouring in my harry potter colouring book. I have only been reading the lightest, most whimsical books, and as soon as i get home to the time I go to sleep I have been watching LOST in bed. I simply cannot handle letting myself delve any deeper into me.

+All the momentum I had, all the hope, and faith, has become very convoluted and watery. It's there but I just can't feel it enough to do anything.

+I'll be in my own apartment by the beginning of August and I'll be okay. I know that. I just want these things to not be so terrible and constant.