I arrived home yesterday. I am only two hours off. Something kept me awake until 4am this morning though. And today it is already 2am. I am careful to sleep well when I'm with James I suppose. In central time it is four am.
I am in awe of my approaching future. Everything has continued to land delicately in to place. A new job, school funds, wedding planning, being able to continue living in Seattle. These things had me a little scared.
I find myself able to believe in God when things are good, when they are bad I cannot fathom an existence. Mostly I believe in Love and that is whatever it is.
I start school next week and I am hoping it will distract me enough from some unsavoury behaviours. eventually I will like myself most of the time, right? Because the idea that it's just supposed to be like this is too depressing. I hate, hate, hate that when expressing my self-image issues the response is that it's just normal and no one feels good about themselves. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to believe that we just have to accept hating ourselves. there have to be ways out of it.
I know it doesn't matter much because things are so good and easing along. I try to set my sadnesses aside in order to not appear ungrateful. I am so grateful that my life is becoming something beautiful and rightly wanting. I wish I could balance these things though. I don't know how to be allowed depression when everything is so, so lovely. It doesn't make sense. I won't dwell on it any more than it needs though. Maybe it will just ease away as well.