[currents: March]

Currently:



feeling it all



Current Album:





Current Film:





Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure:



the internet, so much.



Current Links:

http://fatshionable.tumblr.com/

http://blog.musingsofafatshionista.com/

http://www.youngfatandfabulous.com/

http://www.leblogdebigbeauty.com/

http://dollface-is-candysweet.blogspot.com/

http://adipositivity.my-expressions.com/index.html



Current Drink:







&



fresh juices and wheatgrass!



Current fetish:





Current wish list:

http://seattle.craigslist.org/est/grd/1625344893.html

and





Current Song:



Always Bowerbirds, all day every day.



Current Triumph:



Genuinely being genuinely full of Joy



Current celebrity crush:



Did I say that the show in the living room was perfect (as always) and changed my life again. and I love talking to him.



Current indulgence:





Current excitement:



all things james



Current Mood:



all over the place.

[tummies bunnies and roots]

I am freezing and sore (Lots of toning and weights these last several weeks) today. But I look super-lovely-cutes, good sweater you know. . burr though. buuurrrrr.

Update on my tummy/digestion: Soy free has been relatively successful. When I go 4 or 5 days without I feel somewhat lot better but I'm also noticing my stomach feeling very wonky regardless . I don't know. It's a but frustrating. I think I'll be able to continue consuming soy products but in much lower irregular amounts. Drinking hemp/almond/rice latte's now. It's okay. (insert sad face- I love my soy!) I drink 16-24oz of fresh fruit/veggie juices every day and 2oz wheat grass shots (all free- yea work). I've also just started taking 'Essential Daily Enzymes' before every meal. It's only been a week with those so hopefully that'll help. I'm not really sure. Maybe IBS, maybe I just have sensitive insides. Maybe nothing. It's not like I can really investigate too much with no health insurance. meh

After work today I'm going to Seattle Central CC to begin the registration process, or at least as much as I can do, to prepare for fall quarter. Exciting! I want so badly to be in school.

Also, oh, oh, oh! I have such a yearning for new bunnies! All the freaking time! Do you think it would really be that awful to have a James, two ginger cats, and two bunnies in my 385sqf studio? I feel like holding out until August when my lease is up is suddenly AWFUL and why would I have ever thought I could go that long rabbitless?
http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/grd/1624430363.html
http://www.rabbitrodentferret.org/rabbitrodentferret.org/Adoptedcurrent.asp

Cooking lots of rutabaga's, golden beets, parsnips, and brussel sprouts. i love winter!

[and now it's hard to be, a decent human being]

There is a consensus that my reoccurring nightmares of Tyler. Of that house. Of almost two years of manipulation- a consensus that it is coming up again now, spreading itself unwelcomed over my pretty pink new life, because I am safe. I am happy, joyful really. The safest ever.
James touches my face every chance he gets. He kisses my hair. I can feel it, with my eyes closed. All warmth and compassion. It is so full and encompassing. I did not know this Love could really come from a man and that it could be directed completely at me. I did not know that without Tyler that all those things that pressed my bones to my flesh would dissipate. I never considered for a second that he lended to my depression. I have not been suicidal once in the last year. Since we separated. Not even when I was scared and embarrassed and living in my sisters old room. Not when money was scary and the summer was hot. And it has only been a year. I am already the best version of me and it has not even taken me a year away from him. It is that I am allowed to breathe now. It is that I am allowed to have breasts, to have a body. I am allowed to want and feel and need.

It is so ordinary, I know. But it did not occur to me that I was allowed basics with him. I existed for specific purposes and when I wasn't filling them I was unsure of my existence. I have so many photographs, pale polaroids of my face, my arm, my back. I doubted that I took up any space at all. I would cry and cry and he would ignore me for weeks. I put those photos in the garbage a couple days ago. I found them and looking at them was confusing because I almost appeared not to exist in them. I was coloured into the walls, the linens. It wasn't me at all. my face was always so flat then. every one's face was so flat. I could never explain it. People have angles now. they are less muted. I am less muted.
But I am safe now. and regardless of anything I will be okay. That's what it means. that's' what all of it means.

[well, fuck.]

My head is so muddled right now. I feel like I am constantly all over the place. Wait, that's sort of true. Overall the tone of my life and my heart is so much more lifted than it was. It has been almost a year since Tyler and I separated. A little more than a year since I learned of his affair. At the time I wanted so badly to be at least six months from it, a year seemed like heaven. I think that mostly I am processing and handling it all quite well. These things take time though. Seven years doesn't just dissipate the same way his physical presence has.

On Sunday James and I were talking about something that sort of had to do with Tyler and like it generally does it evolved into a small rehashing of this and that. James gets so upset, so hurt for me and all the injustices. The more I meditate on it these days the easier it is to just be tired and apathetic. James is the angry I should still be. We talk about it a lot I think. Not for long periods of time but he's such a good sounding board and he likes to over analyze things too. Best of all his heart is sensitive and forgiving. He believes I should be angry, that it's warranted but he also believes in not being bitter or cynical, that I will hopefully forgive both Gloria and Tyler. It is good to talk to him. But I know and he knows, and says, that I should really be talking to someone professionally. We get to these points in conversation where inevitably we stall a little. I keep circling with buts and he knows he can't say anything or help at all... Neither of us are frustrated about it but it's becoming obvious that it will probably become so tiresome if I can't find new ways to help me through what I'm feeling.

Last night I had these complicated, emotional, Tyler dreams. I haven't really had them in months but my body is feeling it all again in new ways lately. I want it all to be done. My heart is so hurt. I don't want to just begin crying every time it comes up. I am tired of that. I don't want to give it that much weight in my life anymore.

I spent a chunk of time yesterday tyring to find sliding scale therapists in the area. Specifically on the lower end because realistically I can't spend more than $20 a session. I'm not even sure if that's possible around here. I need to be actively working through the tyler shit, the body image/eating disorder shit, the depression/anxiety/bipolar shit. Fuck. I am tired and I just want to swear about it. I feel like I am so much further than I was even two years ago but there's so much left, there's so much hampering me down and I just want to be light and airy. I want to be incredible alone and I want to be incredible in this relationship. I cannot always be traipsing in circles. I cannot.

[How to be very bright:]

How to be very bright:
Open my eyes when kissing your mouth
Kiss your mouth
Sit behind windows when the sun shines and

imagine heat lapping up my
milky flesh. Determine destinations
with the soles of my feet-
Their wear, Their walk. Unseam
sleeves in the shoulder creases and kiss
my own body.
"

[I've been gone so long, seems like home to me]

Everything I read. Everything I see. It personifies every important feeling. I have this eagerness in me now. I don't know when or where I got it. The importance of Love and Happiness. That nothing can get in the way now. I didn't think I could make it before- maybe that's it. This fresh air thrills me. I cannot take it for granted at all now. I don't want to waste anything not feeling everything to its absolute. I Love. Nothing else matters. I want babies and breakfasts and late nights and ordinary adventures. Everything is so beautiful, I can hardly stand it. I never want to be so sad, so desperate, so trapped, ever again. It does not dull. This new life. I want to explain it over and over. Seven years, formidable years. It is startling every morning. Every breath free. I can be exactly what I want, however I want.

[just keep swinging 'till you're over it]

just touching down again. Still kicking and such. still computerless, getting rid of my fancy internet phone because Lord, it is too much money. I have no money. But it's fall/winter in seattle and everything is so soggy and the leaves are all bright and they fall like snow when the wind bustles in. James picks out the best leaves for me and puts them in my hair and then touches my face with his hands, frames it almost, and kisses me. Daily. We eat a lot of warm home made food and sleep restfully, taking turns, in each others beds. We do not get sick. I barely get sad. my nose is always runny after being outside and when I am sad, it is okay and safe and I am never stupid. Everything is real and careful and good.
And I can't think of a more succinct way to tell you that I am simply happy.

(hopefully I will be back to reading/writing soon... and laptop is in my future)