[tough]

Did I say that things are eerie? Because they are. I am different anxious lately. Like I am waiting for something bad to happen. It is not normally like this. It tends to be more general or separation related. Not this scary, dreading feeling.

I made a dr's appointment for next Tuesday. The receptionist asked me my reason for making the appointment and I told her that there were many things general-exam related, like I have a yeast infection and I want to address my depression/anxiety. She told me that they don't do pap smears in the same appt. as other things and then asked me which I thought was more important. I didn't know... it's silly. They both are. I asked if I could make two appt.'s for both right now and she said no. I set up the general exam because my yi isn't killing me, it's just annoying. I was flustered and didn't think to ask why I couldn't have both and now I want to know. The receptionist had me find this doctors web page and fill out my patient forms. Some of the questions are silly, one is exactly 'what do you do all day?' Martha told me that I should definitely write something about petting the cats. I didn't but I did list baking and reading. I guess I'm bad at these sorts of things. I like doctors and everything but finding a new one is embarrassing and anxiety inducing. What if she thinks I'm stupid or dramatic or lying? Sometimes they are like that. I am easily discouraged in these settings. I always want authority to like me. I am barely ever like this with my peers. And now I feel so silly for feeling silly. It would be easier to stay home but I won't. I am too sad for that.


work is slow and our economy is shit. My work is cutting hours and Tyler and I are thinking I might have to find a new job until things pick up. They are laying off people at is work as well but he is in no risk of that. It's just frustrating mostly.

Our weekend was nice. Tyler and I stayed up all night (1-9am) watching Heroes on Friday. We slept forever on Saturday and had my family over Sunday. The family was not stressful even a little and my pies came out perfectly. We played apples to apples and Tyler and I drank a lot of wine with my parents. We all sat in the middle of the living room on the brown shag throw rug and laughed. It was lovely but a little exhausting. Thanksgiving is soon and that, I can guarantee, will be stressful. Until then.

right now I am all melty from work and smelling like stale coffee. It must be bed time