Thursday, January 29, 2009

[i don't know, i don't know]

all this sadness softens me so, so much. I can barely lean into a couch without sobbing at it's coziness. and Tyler's toes, his hairy man feet, he brushes them against my calves and all I want is to roll over into him, so many times. He kisses me on my back when I am distracted and my front when I am not.
Martha and I have been smoking so much weed trying to cry less. and it works but we feel hollow when we think of how Ian won't ever smoke anymore. and it is silly but it still hurts.

Today was the funeral and I keep playing all these memories from the last eight years and it seems ridiculous and unreal. I do not even know. It seems worse because everything is shrouded in mystery. This terrible wonder. It does not make sense. We have been retelling the same stories from the last two months as if hearing them will somehow lead us to a tangible explanation.
It will not. This is just it. This feeling and complete loss of everything. We just won't know at all, ever. It doesn't matter how wrong it seems. We just keep huddling in living rooms and eventually I guess not knowing will suffice.

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