[The Sea]

Over the last few weeks I've been turning over the idea of genuine connectivity. I am aware that I've been over using the word 'connected' in reference to James and myself. It fits though and it will probably continue as one of my favourite adjectives for us.

When things were clearly at the point of being very very broken in my marriage, I was sort of seeing a therapist. She was big on taking home books, packets, and various audio recordings.
I listened to audio sessions on mood disorders, eating disorders, and perfectionism. They were all relatively basic and filled with information you know if you've experienced any of those. The one cd that I did like though, was on relationships and the way we connect to one another. Some of it was simple like the previous cd's but listening for two hours about the importance of finding effective, constant ways to connect to your partner really bore into me. It made me more aware of the gaps in my relationship.

I knew things were horrible but I knew with near certainty that they were irretrievably broken when I took the time to address our complete lack of connectedness. For years, we had nearly matched up when things were great but even then never quite. and when things were bad. It was like we were on different planets. of course it was my job to fill the holes and make concessions and be the 'unreasonable' one but that's not what I want to talk about right now.

It has become so apparent to me. I have been racking my brain to find memories where we were ever genuinely connected. I want to find the times when I felt that the relationship was so beautiful. When I wasn't talking myself into it being good or allowing awful things because I thought I had unrealistic expectations.

I can't.
I'm embarrassed and sad for myself.

The other day one of my long time friends referred to Tyler always being sleazy and things always being bad.
There had to have been great moments, right? not just a string of mediocre events... right?

When I was 16. When we rode the ferries, and floated in lakes, and kissed on thrift store couches. Those were sweet memories. They count as much as they can. I was connected to Tyler as much I could be to someone of the opposite sex at that time. But after 18, was there ever anything? I can barely read paper and pen diary entries without feeling so ashamed of my then-self for allowing so much. We wanted to connect (I think). We pretended that what we had was right enough. That's the best you can do? But we got married and everything was very wrong and it was obvious the entire time. It was painful how much it did not work. How much I tried and how much Tyler treated me with no respect. How disgusting it all ended up.

It's been rolling around my insides for weeks because I continue using 'connected' to describe my life with James. It is glaringly obvious now. It would have been without James but it's easier to see with him.

I am constantly amazed at how I allowed myself to believe that I could not be treated as well as I really wanted. That in relationships someone is always abused. That it was okay that he thought I was ugly and too much. And stupid and loud....

I am tangenting, I know.

I feel connected now in a way I did not know (believe) would happen for me. I've accepted that most of what I had with Tyler was not genuine or healthy or mature.

That's all. It is good now though, all of it.