[what is driving me crazy; in parts:]

Let's stick to basics though. No literal craziness, that is less interesting and more sad.

My back for one. And joints while we're on the subject of insides. I've just starting taking glucosamine though and am desperately looking forward to its benefits. I feel like an old achey woman with these hips and other such joints. I am also 80% sure that I have some sort of glucose intolerance since I pretty much want to die after eating anything. I've never had my food allergies tested but my mom and I are both pretty sure this may be another one. My previous doctor thought it was probably just psychological after effects from said eating disorder. guilt nausea and such. But I know that years of anorexia ruins bodies, and minds are wild things that can force food allergies all on their own. Either way, I just want to feel less physically shitty after eating. I want to feel good about foods other than rice and salad, all the time.

More importantly however, I'm sick to death of being a woman in current-day society. I am sick of catcalls and not being able to go to the grocery store without some man making rude comments to me. And I am even more disgusted that men seem to think I should take all this as a compliment- like they are doing me a fucking favour.

I don't drive which means I do a lot of walking and busing. This unfortunately also means that I am constantly being hollered at from cars, having men pull over and say whatever to me, and having men who are also walking make remarks and/or follow me around. I am not a sex object. I hate having to worry when I go out if I look to provocative. It's 90 degrees lately, I want to wear a tank top with my large breasts and not worry about you staring at them or thinking that my breasts imply that I'm Soooo easy. Most of the time though, it doesn't matter at all what I'm wearing. It is simply that fact that I'm a woman- I'm just inviting this sort of shit, aren't I? I have hips and a vagina so clearly I need you to harass me because I'm just looking for a reason to get in your pants.

Last week one of my co-worker's was letting me know that a former manager has become a new regional manager. Upon this promotion she met with our manager and told her that she thought, with the exception of the manager and the morning girl, that our coffee stand is the 'ugly stand' and that us girls are all ugly, fat, and gross. She also told her that she thought my manager should fire us and hire 'hot girls', like the stand she managed. When my co-worker told me this I was beyond furious. I wanted to cry. I was SO angry. I don't even care that she thinks we're ugly, fuck that, whatever... the 'hot girls' at her stand dress slutty and are all cookie-cutter tan, bleach blond, thinnish girls and I don't find that attractive. So, whatever. What really upsets me is that she's been promoted and clearly feels comfortable telling managers that this is the sort of business that her and upper-management want to run. I was under the impression when I was hired that our company's main emphasis was on quality coffee and good customer service. Not half-naked women who were 'hot.' My co-worker then went on to tell me that when girls apply at Regional Manager's stand, she has her employees write a sad face on the application when the girl is 'ugly' and a happy face when the girl is 'hot' --if the app. has a sad face, the applicant is never called. I want to quit. Even if my manager doesn't enforce this sort of thought, the idea of working for a company that does, makes me feel sick.

I have started getting more and more men at my work who think that because there are so many 'bikini barista stands' etc, that they can be completely disrespectful to me. It's mostly small, subtle things. A lot of the men that are straight up sleazy would probably be like that regardless of anything. Having worked in a different area, without the slutty stands near by, and in the last few months the growth of these stands, it is phenomenal the way we are being treated differently. It's like, they think because we are a drive-thru coffee place, that we are all the same and want to be treated like sex objects.

I want to work and live some where that values me as an individual more often than not. I want to make really great coffee for a company that expects me to be genuine and kind and good at what I do. I don't feel like these are unrealistic hopes for myself. It makes me so crazy and so defeated feeling living and working here. I hate it and I know that I deserve better but I don't feel like anyone is going to change.