[improvements]

Tyler and I are both sick, at the same time. Which is sort of the worst because there's no one to take care of us. I keep hoping that I'll discover some sort of sick people's delivery service where you place an order for homemade soups, ginger ale, cough drops, and fresh bread but I have yet to find such a thing. I'm sure they would make millions though.
So far we've spent days in bed sleeping, and watching Wife Swap and other silly tv. I don't know if it's because I'm sick or just because I'm still an emotional wreck but every episode is making me cry. Tyler and I laugh about it but he is good at kissing my cheeks anyway.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about exercise and how much I know I can genuinely enjoy it in informal settings (at home yoga, pilates, etc) but as soon as I'm at a gym or somewhere more serious I have a really hard time feeling okay about it. The last several times I've joined a gym and gone I've always ended up crying and feeling like shit afterwards. I'm pretty sure that my brain refuses to process exercising as anything other than disordered. For ten years I only used exercise in an unhealthy, unenjoyable way. And while I've managed to finally enjoy food again and think of it to a certain degree as something fun and lovely, I haven't really attempted to make any strides like that with exercise. And lately, I don't know. I know that when I was a lot younger, pre-e.d., I loved jogging. And when I started taking ballet when I was 16, I did that because I loved it and not for any other reason and I never allowed it to enter into my anorexic lifestyle. I remember I so didn't want it to be tainted like everything else.

When other people talk about exercising on a regular basis I have a really hard time not responding to it in the same way that I respond to people dieting. In my recovering mind they are the same unhealthy thing. But that's not right. exercise can be healthy, it can be fun and beneficial to ones life. At this point in my life I walk everywhere, I do yoga daily, I use my free weights, and exercise ball 4 or 5 times a week but I'm so careful to not make myself adhere to any sort of schedule. And I never ever do any of those things if people are around. It's almost a shameful thing. Which is weird, right? I don't know, lately I really want to be more in touch with my body. I want to love myself more wholly. And I feel like the next step in my recovery should be this. So, I'm going to start forcing myself to think of this as healthy in moderation. I'm also going to read more about exercise and ed recovery. and when I get some money I think I'll join a gym and figure out a way to really enjoy my body while exercising. It's not bad to be that aware of myself and I really need to learn that. Self improvement is always good.