A new job. Regular newness stress. I haven't worked in a month and a half. within that period of time some extremely shitty things happened and now I'm somehow even more socially anxious and discouraged. I'm a barista so mostly I'm 'happy-customer-service-person' which can be easy to be for maybe 22 hours a week. But it only works if you create a thick layer of non-self around you. Nothing penetrates, everything is pretend. It's hard right now for me though. I'm all too emotionally fragile in my real and fake life. My boss said something about something and I had to hide over by the sink and wash some dishes and practice breathing and try not to cry. And then I was this despondent person the rest of my shift. I don't want that at all. My boss keeps telling my not to be so nervous. And it's not even that I'm nervous but i think he's picking up on my extra-anxiousness and i'm sooo shaky lately. I must look ridiculous. Oh well. Time, i think will help.
Tyler and I switched to Verizon and got blackberries (not the fruit). Mine is pink and his is green. I have a pinkberry and he has a greenberry. cutes. They are the touch screen ones and we feel so high-tech. Also old because it took us like forty five minutes to figure out ringtones. It is wild being able to access the Internet everywhere at every time. I can't wait 'till there are computers in our heads and a screen pops up in our eyes when we think something. I can't wait until we are cyborgs.
So I was bathing suit shopping online yesterday and I found some pretty cute ones (sort of like what I already have). I showed them to Tyler and he disagreed with all of them. He thinks I should definitely be buying a bikini. So.... now I'm trying to imagine myself as a bikini girl in the summer. aah. funny stuff.
what's better(?) is apparently I've lost 15lbs since my last dr's visit which I didn't believe because my boobs grew like a cup and a half. How fair is that? not fair at all! my body is a rebel force sometimes. I must learn to work with it. or something.
Do you know what movie I always Love? Joe VS the Volcano. I love that Meg Ryan plays all the girls. I love the suitcase scene. It's just a quality movie for a Saturday or Tuesday night.
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Welcome to the world of Crackberries. Seriously, I even use mine as a flashlight. ;) Ever since I added the Twitter and Facebook applications, my time-killing possibilities are endless no matter where I am.
It can definitely be hard to put on a cheerful face when you're struggling internally. It's like we feel the need to hold that smiling mask on so tightly that it suffocates us, and just exacerbates the issue. Hang in there, take it one day at a time and remember that each morning is a fresh start.
Take care and treat yourself kindly,
C.
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