Thursday, July 10, 2008

[steps forward and all the way back]

What happened? I was hopeful, or some variation of that, maybe with a twinge or two (or three or four) or melancholy. But oh, I was hopeful. And ready and and excited, and the positive adjectives go on and on. I thought 'oh, it will be this easy once I get there.' It was all work and preparation for something better. It was workbooks that made me sad and giggle, it was a summer therapist, and careful calculated moments to keep me above floating level. I was well into walking for goodness sake. I was barely touching the water with my toes, I wasn't even wading.

I should have kept it up. I see that now. All of it being quite pointless if one stops taking anti-psychs/depress' regularly, stops speaking thoughtfully to an objective person once or twice a week, stops planning perfectly nice things that could not fail in making me happy.

Now I am all back at the beginning- the fucking ocean. Stupid, trite hands all flailing and my gargled voice, probably yelling at myself. I thought foolishly that the momentum of change would carry me. I believed with all my little depressed body parts that love and everything nice would be some sort of cure-all. Or at least be enough. How many times have I told myself it is beyond love? that as beautiful as it would be, clearly, historically, it has little to do with enough love. I just... I wanted it to be simpler and I guess I got lazy. I didn't want to be having to work so painfully hard every day. I didn't want to cry hysterically in my sleep every night from exhaustion. It's too silly and everyone says so. But where else do we go? and you know I mean me, where else do I go. Because this is really just me in the ocean alone. And you on the sand, your feet all warm and soft from it. I'm not jealous, just sad- again.

No comments: